‘Laguna Beach,’ ‘The Hills’ Return to MTV, Give You Excuse to Be Anti-Social

If this news does not generate all the mixed feelings from fans of a certain string of MTV programs, we don’t know what will. Following in the footsteps of Nickelodeon, who began rerunning episodes of the likes of All That and Kenan & Kel last summer to appeal to ’90s kids-turned-twentysomethings (#Rememberthe90s), The Network Formerly Known For Music Television will bring back three oddly-chosen but well-liked programs for a morning programming bloc they’re calling "Retro Mania": Laguna Beach, The Hills and Daria. Each show, through the course of its run, will feature guest commentaries from participants and comedians: Nikki Glaser and Sarah Schafer have Daria; Stephen Colletti takes on his past at Laguna and a few core characters from The Hills—Stephanie Pratt, Lo Bosworth and Audrina Partridge—relive all the drama for you. 

We can’t really complain about any of these shows coming back, but the assortment is puzzling. Sure, Beavis and Butt-Head was already resurrected, so that eliminates one possibility for a more plausible pairing with Daria than either of the other addictive dramas in the lineup, but perhaps this would have been a good time to bring back Liquid Television. Or maybe, to fulfill the actual "Retro Mania" requirement—as opposed to a show that just ended, you know, like two years ago—include a resurrection or rerun of an old MTV game show, like Remote Control or Singled Out or, heck, even Say What?! Karaoke. Or fill the gaps with actual retro music videos—why let VH1 Classic have all the fun? The morning programming bloc is also strange, as that would best serve those who are stay-at-home parents / unemployed / work from home / own a fancy DVR system, and whatever to do about the people who fall in none of those categories? Still though, The Hills and Laguna and Daria are coming back! 

There are too many gold moments from all of these shows to possibly sign off a post with, so there’s only one thing to do. Play this song and let your greatest TV-watching memories come rushing back, like the rain falling down on Hillary Duff’s dreams, or whatever. Goodnight, everybody! 

Heidi Montag Claims to Work Out 14 Hours a Day

Scary Barbie-mannequin Heidi Montag told US Weekly that she works out for an astonishing 14 hours a day. Except it’s pretty certain she didn’t mean that since, to my knowledge, even professional athletes aren’t that hardcore.

Emphasis mine:

I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.

She totally meant 5 a.m. to 7 a.m., right? 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. is like running four marathons in a day. It’s like going to seven Bikram yoga classes back to back. What is really galling about this is that to Montag, “a lot overweight” apparently meant weighing 130 pounds at 5’2″. Montag took a year off from exercise after the 10 plastic surgeries she underwent in 2009, because “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time. So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

Wow. R.I.P., feminism. How did she fit in partying with Crystal Harris between all the gym-going?

Morning Links: Lindsay Lohan Back on for Gotti, Chuck Klosterman Teaches Writers a Lesson

It was, and then it wasn’t, and now maybe it is again: Lindsay Lohan is back on for Gotti. “She was definitely out as of earlier today, but she really wanted the part,” Gotti producer Marc Fiore told People. [People] ● VH1 has green-lit a new reality show contest wherein “stars” (we use this term loosely: Heidi Montag, Ashley Dupré, Danielle Staub, Three 6 Mafia members — you get the idea) work together to launch a restaurant. The one who contributes the most gets a stake in it at the end. All you have to do is be helpful? [Vulture] ● TV on the Radio’s Gerard Smith passed away yesterday following a courageous battle against lung cancer. [TVoTR]

● Apparently Emma Watson dropped out of Brown because the other Ivy League students couldn’t stop making Harry Potter jokes, yelling “Three points for Gryffindor!” whenever she answered things correctly in class. We don’t blame her. [Gatecrasher/NYDN] ● Why such a wet blanket, Lady Gaga? Apparently she rejected Weird Al Yancovic’s “Born This Way” parody even though he was going to donate the proceeds to charity. Or so he blogged. When word of the cold-hearted denial spread, Lady Gaga was quick to make amends, having her tour manager explain that she just hadn’t had time to listen to the track yet, and that she is actually a big Weird Al fan. “Perform This Way” is now up on his site. [SOTC/Village Voice] ● FYI musicians: Chuck Klosterman will write a press release for your band so long as he doesn’t have to actually listen to your band. Seems like a fair enough deal. And, hey, it worked for this guy! [NPR]

Morning Links: Lady Gaga’s New Single Is Here, Linday Lohan’s Dress Is Sold Out

● Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” is here. Do things look different already? Heads up this morning, babies — you were born this way! [LadyGaga] ● Rihanna has agreed to lower her two-year-old restraining order against Chris Brown, allowing for contact that “doesn’t annoy, molest or harass her.” Rihanna has moved on. [E!] ● Paul Thomas Anderson has finally found funding for his Scientology drama and his adaptation of Thomas Pynchon’s Inherent Vice. [NYM]

● That $575 white dress Lindsay Lohan wore to court yesterday is sold out, according to the designer, Kimberly Ovitz. You, too, can look innocent in the throes of guilt! [ABC] ● Heidi Montag was upset after being banned from the Just Go With It premier by Jennifer Aniston. “I’ve been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it’s just really upsetting that she would do this to me,” said Montag, who makes a brief cameo in the film. We can see the influence. [Us] ● We hear Cam’ron played fashion week with a show at The Bowery Poetry Club. For what it’s worth, we think he’s got great style. [Twitter]

Links: Eva Longoria & Tony Parker Drama Rages On, Dane Cook to Star in Broadway Show

● Though Tony Parker insists there was no physical affair leading to his divorce from Eva Longoria, he did have a “sexting relationship” with a teammate’s wife. The official legal term for that is “Too old for this.” [TMZ] ● Stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe is pregnant, and has worked enough with Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie to know never let her child out of the house. [People] ● Heidi Montag’s mother, Darlene Egelhoff, charges $5,000 for speaking engagements, putting the price tag for her Hills-star daughter at six cajillion. [Radar]

● Dane Cook will appear in the upcoming Broadway run of Neil LaBute’s Fat Pig, because as it turns out, ten million fans can be wrong and comedy is just not working for the guy. [NYT] ● David Arquette needed a drink so badly at the GQ Man of the Year ceremony that he climbed through a window to cut “his distance to the bar by half.” Always was good at math, that David. [Page Six] ● Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway are naked and hugging on a magazine rack near you. [HuffPo]

Links: Jennifer Lopez Rides Green Wave to ‘Idol,’ Spencer & Heidi (Maybe) Back Together (Again)

● Jennifer Lopez and American Idol have agreed on a contract worth $12 million for the entertainer to host an upcoming season. Lopez is looking forward to playing Paula Adbul. [People] ● Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are expecting a baby that may as well come out sexually active and with stubble. [Just Jared] ● Snooki lip-syncing Britney Spears into a webcam is almost Warholian. [Vulture]

● Let this sink in: “Spencer Pratt says his 12-hour detainment at a Costa Rica airport for arms possession has given him a chance at reconciliation with wife Heidi Montag.” Now go about your business. [HuffPo] ● Chris Brown, seemingly bummed about the VMAs, did not tip on two free bottles of vodka. In his defense, 20% of $0.00 is $0.00. [Page Six] ● Don’t you want to hear David Schwimmer talk about his rape movie? [AP]

Links: John Lennon’s Killer Denied Parole, Heidi Montag Massages Breast Implants

● Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon in 1980, has been denied parole for the sixth time. Jared Leto, who played the crazed fan in a film, was hoping for a sequel. [NYDN] ● One of the funny ones, Jenny Slate, will not be on Saturday Night Live this coming season, nor will Will Forte, though four replacements will be coming on, including the first African American since 2003. [WaPo] ● The man who nonviolently stole Kirsten Dunst’s purse from a hotel room was sentenced to four years in jail. For some perspective, that’s like 16.2 Lindsay Lohans. [HuffPo]

● If the perfect tweet could be crystallized, it would look a little something like this: “Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.” [HuffPo] ● Basketball star Ron Artest was stopped in L.A. driving what looked like a big go-cart, except with top speeds over 150 mph. He was wearing a helmet. [TMZ] ● The Joaquin Phoenix meltdown movie, I’m Still Here, is very real. [NYM]

Final Destinations: September’s Key Events

September 2: Jay-Z and Eminem playing Comerica Park is the best thing to happen to Detroit since Jay-Z and Eminem decided to play Comerica Park. September 3: Robert Rodriguez gives new meaning to “director’s cut” with the release of his bloodyblade epic, Machete. September 8: Anna Wintour returns to her native England for Vogue’s Fashion’s Night Out in London.

September 9: That was quick! Anna is back in her real home—the front row at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, which kicks off in New York. September 10: The greatest trees of our generation are destroyed by madness when the Howl! Festival, an outdoor performing arts celebration, takes over New York’s Tompkins Square Park. September 12: The MTV Video Music Awards—always a bastion of unpredictability—move this year from New York to L.A. Way to keep us guessing, MTV! September 13: The new season of Gossip Girl premieres in the City of Fights, when Chuck Bass and co. take Paris. September 15: Heidi Montag celebrates her interior’s 24th birthday. September 17: Emma Stone sleeps her way onto the A-list when her film, Easy A, is released today. September 19: Boardwalk Empire premieres on HBO, featuring a bunch of people who take Monopoly way too seriously. September 21: The irony surely won’t be lost on Pavement when they begin a four-night stand in Central Park for SummerStage. September 24: Ryan Reynolds spends 90 minutes in a coffin in Buried, the first mainstream movie that’s also underground. September 25: Ke$ha, missing the party by a couple of tracks, is forced to sit out National One-Hit Wonder Day. September 28: Drake doesn’t yet run this town, but with shows at Radio City Music Hall tonight and tomorrow, at least Jimmy’s out of the wheelchair.

Links: Bristol Palin to ‘Dance’ the Blues Away, John Mayer ‘Slams’ Huffington Post

● Heartbroken again by that Alaskan lothario Levi, Bristol Palin will appear on the latest season of Dancing With the Stars, because reality television does not have enough Palin. Watch her win, too. [E! Online] ● Chris Brown is doing a “great job” with his probation, a judge told him. He hasn’t even hit another woman. Four more years, big guy! [Celebuzz] ● Heidi Montag wears a piece on tape on her nose so it doesn’t “fall of like Michael Jackson.” [HuffPo]

● When the Huffington Post speculated about whether John Mayer was back with Jennifer Aniston, based shakily on “cobbled together” banter from his concert, he took to his Tumblr in retort: “You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses.” [one forty plus] ● The businesswoman who set Britney Spears on the straight and narrow (still has hair!) has a new project in the form of the recently released Lindsay Lohan. On to the next one. [Page Six] ● Will Forte quit Saturday Night Live, possibly in search of his own The Ladies Man. [NYT]