Linkage: You Will Not See Kim Kardashian Give Birth, Harvey Weinstein Is Not the Antichrist

When the news broke that Kim Kardashian is expecting Kanye West’s baby, I’m sure I’m not the only one who assumed that a birthing special would find its way on E! at some point. That is where we are as a society: it makes perfect sense that we’d have the opportunity to watch a human come out of Kim Kardashian. (Hell, a lot of us have seen a human go into Kim Kardashian.) But, thankfully, the mom-to-be has announced that the birth will be private, and she’s looking forward to not working for a while. Think about that as you click through the internet, desperate to leave your office and not work for a few hours before returning tomorrow morning! [Jezebel]

We also live in a world where Harvey Weinstein can declare that he is not the Antichrist in front of a room full of people and no one bats an eye. [THR]

I’ve shit-talked a lot of famous people on the Internet in my time, but very few of them have contacted me to call me out on it. Note to self: never make fun of Richard Marx on your blog. He has a Google alert and he knows how to use it. [The Morning News]

At a show at Brooklyn’s Bell House, Community creator Dan Harmon recruited Saturday Night Live’s Jason Sudeikis to prank call Chevy Chase in character as Joe Biden. It’s about as funny as it sounds. [Vulture]

The Office’s former workers B.J. Novak, Mindy Kaling, and Zach Woods will all be making appearances in the final episodes of the sitcom, but Steve Carrell won’t be returning to his old workplace. [Paste]

I’m not sure why this is news, or even why I’m repeating it as if it’s interesting, but: the son of the guy who created Barney was charged with murder. Now, I get it if he allegedly stomped someone to death or ate them. You know, like a dinosaur would do. [TMZ]

Vogue’s upcoming issue features a Hurricane Sandy-themed fashion shoot called “Storm Troupers.” Puns! It has made a lot of people angry. [Gawker]

My Headlines? My Headlines Seem So Smart But I’m Also Scared About My Headlines. [The Awl]

Dear Abby will be giving unsolicited advice in Heaven. [E!]

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‘Bachelorette’ Writer/Director Leslye Headland Gets TV Deal

Leslye Headland, who wrote and directed the raucous comedy, Bachelorette, told me a few weeks ago, "Fingers crossed, I’ll get to do more, but most female filmmakers don’t even last three movies." Well, she’s not limiting herself to the film industry, as one of her plays—also in her Seven Deadly Sins cycle—is being developed into a series for NBC.

Assistance, inspired by her time working for Harvey Weinstein at Miramax, premiered at New York’s Playwrights Horizons this past February, is headed to the network. The project is being produced by Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Jessica Elbaum, and Owen Burke. Here’s how Playbill describes the source material:

For these young assistants, life is an endless series of humiliations at the hands of their hellacious boss, a powerful uber-magnate. In rare moments of calm when the phone calls stop rolling, Nick and Nora and their traumatized co-workers question whether all their work will lead to success—or just more work. [It’s] a biting, high-octane satire about our attraction to power and what we’re willing to sacrifice to stay in its orbit.

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Harvey Weinstein Is So Baller He Will Diss You With References To His Own Movies

There’s baller and then there’s baller. And you know you’re baller when you diss someone — say, Mitt Romney perhaps — with a reference to the supposed failure one of your own multi-million dollar films. This is how Harvey Weinstein rolls.

The Weinstein Co. honcho appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show on Friday to discuss the fundraising gap between Romney and President Obama. The tl;dr is that rich folks are giving Romney money hand over fist, while hippies like me have to choose between buying ourselves another latte or donating that $4 to the Obama 2012 campaign. But Weinstein doesn’t give a shit about fundraising numbers. He told Maddow:

"I’ll give you an example of two movies that I distribute, I spent the exact same amount on both movies. One movie was called The King’s Speech. It grossed $140 million, won a few Oscars including best picture, and did sensational based on its budget. The other picture was called Our Idiot Brother. And we spent the same exact amount of money on it and it grossed $25 million. To me, Romney is Our Idiot Brother, and Obama is The King’s Speech. You can spend all the money in the world. If you’ve got a bad product, it doesnt matter."

Oooh. Burn! And point taken.

But you wash your mouth out with soap, Harvey Weinstein. How dare you call Our Idiot Brother "a bad product" and compare Mittens, in any way shape or form, to Paul Rudd!

Of course, Weinstein didn’t just go on Maddow to toot his own Oscar-winning horn. He also accused Republican donors of seeking a little quid pro quo — big donation now for a tax cut later —and pronounced Romney fundamentally "not capable to run the United States."

Spoken like a true Hollywood liberal elite, eh?

Movies Opening This Weekend, In Order of How Much We Like Their Trailers

Some people judge a movie based on reviews, other will go see something just because it features a favorite actor. Here, we’re judging this weekend’s offerings based solely on what we see in the trailers and ranking them accordingly.

Moonrise Kingdom: What can we say, Wes Anderson’s signature look does something for us. And while we might disagree on where this new flicks fits into his oeuvre, we can all sign off on the idea that the trailer is the best of this week’s bunch.

The Chernobyl Diaries: There will be very few redeeming qualities to this movie, but it will scare the shit out of us, we are sure. That alone makes the trailer worthwhile.

The Intouchables: The number-two earning French film might be earning mixed reviews from American outlets—Variety called it offensive and racist—but the trailer and our own Francophile tendencies and possibly misplaced trust in the taste of Harvey Weinstein (who’s distributing the movie in the U.S.) have earned it the number three spot on our list.

Men In Black 3: Stupid? Sure! Done to death? Absolutely. But also full of time travel, action and all sorts of other things that a Memorial Day weekend opening should have.

Mighty Fine: Andie MacDowell and Chazz Palminteri abandon New York for New Orleans in this story about downtrodden people. Feh.

Morning Links: ‘Bully’ Will Be Released Unrated, Bobby Brown Arrested for DUI

After weeks of impasse, the Weinstein company has decided to release Bully unrated, leaving it up to individual theaters to decide who can and who can’t bear the bad words. [Vulture]

● At Diddy’s house, the shoes come off. “There is a no-shoe rule,” explained an attendee of his Miami Ultra after-party. Instead, “Everyone gets slippers as they enter.” [Page Six]

● Jane Fonda has been recruited to play Nancy Reagan in Precious director Lee Daniels’ The Butler. [Variety]

● Madonna’s 15-year-old daughter, Lourdes, was caught having a smoke with her friends over the weekend. [NYDN]

● Bobby Brown was pulled over driving while talking on a cell phone, and then, when the police found him drunk, he was arrested for driving under the influence. [TMZ]

MPAA Gives ‘Bully’ R-Rating, Remains Hopelessly Out of Touch

Bully is a documentary that some might call "important;" it’s an in-depth look at America’s bullying crisis that doesn’t pull any punches about how rude kids can be to each other. In the trailer, which you can watch after the jump, there’s footage of kids getting slapped around on the school bus, even with a camera trained on them. It’s supposed to come out in limited release on March 30, but there may be a hitch in the process: the R-rating that was just handed down by the MPAA on grounds of language. An appeal to contest the ruling fell short by one vote, and The Weinstein Company, which is releasing the movie, says it might abandon the MPAA for a little while. "As of today, The Weinstein Company is considering a leave of absence from the MPAA for the foreseeable future," TWC co-chairman Harvey Weinstein wrote in a statement. "We respect the MPAA and their process but feel this time it has just been a bridge too far."

Doesn’t seem very controversial, no? It’s like any other harsh documentary, except the audience that would get the most use out of it — that under-17 crowd — won’t be able to get in on their own. Yes, they’ll be able to attend a viewing when accompanied by a parent, but an R-rating is a harder sell for a family outing (also, gross, family outing). Some schools won’t play it in class where it might do the most good, for fear of parents who might automatically raise a stink if their kids are exposed to such restricted material. It’s all very, very silly.

I mean, not to turn into a soapbox for the Weinstein Company, but this does seem especially shortsighted on the MPAA’s part. But when has that ever not been the case? Blue Valentine got an NC-17 rating because it dared to show a realistic portrayal of sex (it was later overturned); Shame got the same for similar reasons. They’re not entirely equivalent situations, of course, but the MPAA’s process for deciding such ratings seems to be based on entirely arbitrary moral standards. How could anyone see this documentary about kids and say that kids aren’t supposed to see it? (Okay, soapbox out.) Bully is still supposed to come out in a month, but we’ll see if anything changes.

Morning Links: Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver Separate, Taylor Momsen Off Gossip Girl

● The new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are on their honeymoon right now, on an island somewhere surrounded by coconut groves. Where are you? [DailyMail] ● After 25 years of marriage, Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Shriver’s moving out of their Brentwood mansion while they “work on the future of [their] relationship”. [LA Times] ● Whitney Houston has voluntarily returned to rehab, purportedly as part of a “long-standing” recovery process. [AP/Yahoo]

● Probably much to her relief, Taylor Momsen has been released from her duties as Little J on Gossip Girl. She is now free to do whatever else it is that she does. Jessica Szohr is out after this season, too, although both are welcome back as guests. [TVLine] ● Vin Diesel “wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk” around Fast Five because “sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'” Then he chuckled, “I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought.” [NYM] ● Alicia Silverstone named her newborn son Bear Blu Jarecki, a name that’s pretty cute for, like, a pet. [TooFab] ● Paul Thomas Anderson’s Scientology movie (once called The Master, but currently without a working name) has been picked up for distribution by the Weinstein Company, which means Harvey is probably not a secret Scientologist. [Deadline]

Morning Links: Kanye Goes Back To School, Justin Bieber Grows A Mustache

● Charlie Sheen’s weekend live stream, Sheen’s Korner, was boring and rambling and, frankly, just not “winning.” And so it seems the wayward star is in talks to develop his own show on billionaire Mark Cuban’s cable channel, HDNet. [Yahoo/AP] ● He can talk the talk, but now he wants a diploma too. Kanye West flew to London last week to apply for his Masters in Fashion at Central St. Martins College, a place with which he’s already quite familiar: “Kanye spends a lot of time with fashion students and often hooks up with Central’s arty pupils when he is in London.” Sounds like a shoe-in! [The Sun] ● Miley Cyrus played a mean Justin Bieber and made plenty of bong jokes while hosting SNL. She’s really going to be just fine. [NBC]

● Off with the bangs, in with a mustache! Justin Bieber abstained from shaving for a month in order to show us just how much of a man he is. (“im pumped,” he says.) But if it takes a month to grow a mustache, maybe rethink the approach? [Twitter] ● Nobody will verify anything, but rumor has it that the house of the late Alexander McQueen is set to send Kate Middleton down the aisle. McQueen’s crustaceous shoes could lend a welcome air of youth to what will likely be a fantastically traditional ceremony. [NYDN] ● Kate Moss and Linda Evangelista taught Harvey Weinstein how to smoke in airplane bathrooms, and he liked it so much he told Newsweek it was his favorite mistake (not buying the rights to airport best-seller The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo makes for a close second). [Newsweek] ● And just for fun: Supposedly, Real Housewives of DC White House crasher Tareq Salahi has been crashing at Michael Lohan’s place while his wife (whom Tareq says is addicted only “to love” or maybe “Hershey’s kisses”) and Lohan are off at Celebrity Rehab. Time to head for higher ground. [TMZ]

Afternoon Links: Gaga’s Single Out Early, Fergie Has Doubts About Super Bowl

● Josh Brolin can officially rule out a role in Mission: Impossible 5, after telling The New Yorker that Scientology is “really fucking bizarre.” [The New Yorker] ● Watch B.o.B deliver a meta-performance of his hit “Airplane” on an airplane, giving new meaning to the term “in-flight entertainment.” Get it?! [YouTube] ● Lady Gaga tweeted that her new single, “Born This Way,” will be out this Friday. Then her boyfriend tweeted how proud of her he is. Then I sneezed. [Lady Gaga/Twitter]

● The Super Bowl was watched buy 111 million people, making it the most-watched television event of all time. [Reuters] ● On a similar note, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas has admitted their half time performance wasn’t perfect. We could have told you that. [THR] ● Michael Moore is suing Harvey Weinstein for stiffing him on Farenheit 9/11 profits, proving that you can never have enough money, or in Michael Moore’s case, doughnuts. [TMZ]