Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Her Goop on Clothing

As much as I’d like to, I can’t hate on Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s an A-list actress, is married to that Coldplay dude, used to date Brad Pitt, can sing her ass off, can cook her ass off, is in ridiculous shape, is (sometimes) friends with Madonna, can name her kids Apple and Moses without flinching and, above all, is best friends forever with Jay-Z and Beyonce. She also has a weekly e-newsletter named Goop that, despite its pun-worthy name, is actually pretty popular within the blogosphere—so much so that Paltrow has managed to commission her favorite designers to create limited-edition clothing for it on a weekly basis.

Last week, the actress unveiled the first Goop Collection garment, which was an exclusive tee designed by LA-based luxury basics purveyors, Kain Label. Posed as a modernized version of the essential wardrobe staple, the T-shirt’s $90 price tag is defended by fancy add-ons, like grosgrain piping on the sides and shoulders, which was inspired by tuxedo tailoring. This week’s piece is a $200 wide-leg jean by denim label MiH. Most flattering on super tall girls like Paltrow, The Marrakesh come in an "unwashed pure denim" style and feature a retro faded flair.

While Goop Collection’s designs are classic enough to appeal to a wide range of consumers, the price tag is a little less relatable. Would you wear Goop? Would you buy Goop?

Here’s the Thing About Gwyneth Paltrow’s Cookbook

Gwyneth Paltrow, she of GOOP fame, she of the $90 plain white t-shirt on her website, released a new cookbook recently that focuses on the “elimination diet” she took to when ill recently, meaning no coffee, alcohol, dairy, eggs, sugar, shellfish, deep-water fish, wheat, meat, soy or anything processed. The result is It’s All Good, and like many of Paltrow’s recent ventures, critics have been quick to pan it, calling it “laughable Hollywood neuroticism” or, as with GOOP, calling her out for showing off a lifestyle pretty unattainable by those of us who are far from a Gwyneth Paltrow income. I mean, there’s a $120 tuna salad recipe in it, featuring Manuka honey, which costs $25 a jar.

But here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share recipes that make you feel good or trying to eat cleaner, and it sucks that Paltrow got sick in order to reach this point. And celebrities release vanity projects and cookbooks all the time that are probably just as terrible. But one particularly irksome thing about it isn’t its showcasing of wild privilege (although that has its own set of problems) or the reinforcement of the idea that eating healthy is only for the few or its “chatty faux-populism” or incessant name dropping of people like Jamie Oliver and Gavin Rossdale.

It’s that some of her culinary tips and tricks aren’t novel, revelatory or original (or, thankfully, all involving impossibly expensive ingredients). They’re great, and they’re serviceable, but you could literally find them for free on every clean-eating/vegan/health food-oriented Pinterest board out there. Avocado is nature’s butter, and an avocado toastie with Veganaise and salt is a pretty staple snack for the nut-free, dairy-free set. Y’all don’t need a celebrity cookbook to tell you that. There’s homemade popcorn, which is a recipe from Cameron Díaz, another name-drop, which is actually cheaper and better for you than the store-bought stuff, but you certainly don’t need the star of Shrek’s suggestions for it. There are recipes for olive oil-fried and boiled eggs. And Gwyneth, you are not the first person to point out that when you cut up frozen bananas and blend them, it turns into the consistency and flavor of banana ice cream. Sit down. So it’s not that her suggestions for healthy or clean eating are all impractical or unattainable for those with no food budget, it’s that this isn’t the best place to look for them. 

Gwyneth Paltrow Would Like to Help Ease Your NYE Hangover

New Year’s Eve is the one time of the year everyone comes together in collective optimistic harmony, hoping for better things to come by getting as wasted as possible.  After ingesting gallons of cheap champagne straight from the bottle, New Year’s Day can be rough.  But don’t worry over-imbibers, Gwyneth Paltrow, in all her servicey GOOPness, has your back with some ridiculous and expensive hangover remedies. 

The best:

-First, drink Mercy, a water type drink full of nutrients that comes in a can and promises to prevent feeling like shit the next morning when drank the night before along with your cocktail.  I’ve tried it (really!) and it doesn’t work, but Gwyneth is an investor so there you go.

-In the morning, eat an Umeboshi plum.  Not just a plum, an ‘Umeboshi”  one.  They go for some $20 a package at your local over-priced gourmet store. 

-Find a lux spa that is open for the day (or rent one out, why not?) and get hydrotherapy. 
What is that you ask?  According to Gwyneth you 
”start in a hot, dry room and then move into an even warmer steam room. Then splash yourself with cold water (or even dunk in cold pool or under a cold shower). Follow it with a full body scrubdown, which is typically followed by a massage. At the end you’ll be sent to a cool room to relax and cool down.”

Doctors have discredited most of her tips, but hangover cures are never scientifically proven anyway.  It really comes down to who you choose to believe, a medical professional or a celebrity.  I think you know who Americans are more likely to choose. 

If you do go ahead and give her tips a go and they don’t work, best advice: sleep it off or drink more. 

Gwyneth Paltrow Teaches Us How to Manage Stress

The irony of Gwyneth Paltrow presuming to know anything about stress is obvious enough to hardly merit comment, so let’s dig right in. The newest edition of indispensable lifestyle guide GOOP contains a feature on stress management. Gwyn outsources the advice to her stable of “experts”:

I have never been very good at handling stress (though a bit of meditation helps), and I wanted some very practical ways of reducing it that I could use during the course of my day. I got some good answers that don’t require a 90 minute yoga class, or flying to a hippie style silent retreat (I’ve actually done one—don’t ask), just simple things that we all have access to. Here they are!

Of course she’s done a “hippie style silent retreat.” Of course.

Sample tips for those of you with actual stress in your lives:

* From Dr. Oz: “Adaptogenic herbs such as rhodiola, ashwaganda, and ginseng help to regulate the body and bring it back to its normal function.” * From a homeopathic doctor named Oliver Bros: “Breathing is a beautiful and pure way of bringing yourself back into the moment, to not only push the play button again, but to refocus your energy. Have you been breathing while you’ve been reading this? No? How about giving it a quick try?” * From something called “Body Studio”: “If you have had a very stressful day at work, massage the head with coconut oil or cold pressed sesame oil. Massage the sides of the head, front, and back. Then use the fingertips like you are washing your hair for 2-3 minutes. Then, when you have finished, grab parts of the hair and pull away from the scalp.” No. * From a founder of Raising Malawi, Madonna’s not-totally-solvent charity: “It’s not a coincidence that after a hard or disappointing day, perhaps being stuck in the rain with your car broken down, or after a bad argument or breakup, there’s nothing your body craves more than a hot bath and also, perhaps a glass of wine.” This one I can get behind.

Gwyneth Paltrow Takes Stand Against Homophobia

In the latest edition of Gwyneth Paltrow’s food journal, GOOP, Gwyn puts her foot down where homophobia is concerned. Kind of. Except, it’s really not about homophobia per se, but about Gwyneth’s reaction to homophobia, and how she really just doesn’t get it, and isn’t it kind of neat to have two mommies and why doesn’t everyone understand that, like she does?

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First of all, Gwyneth, if you’re wondering what it says in the Bible about homosexuality, look it up. Instead of putting out an open call on GOOP. It’s called Google, babe. Second, this isn’t about “your line of thinking.” People are not upset by “your line of thinking,” because gay rights is a movement that is much larger than you, actually! Some things are not about Gwyneth Paltrow, and while it’s hard to accept, it’s just the way life goes.

Like with everything she does, the intentions are good but the execution leaves much to be desired. If Gwyneth would only play to her strengths — macrobiotic cooking and…other stuff — she would be only half as irritating as she is.

Here’s How to Be Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kids’ Tutor

GOOP purveyor Gwyneth Paltrow is seeking a tutor for her and Chris Martin’s kids. Sounds like a plum job, right? I’m sure working for Gwyneth Paltrow would never get annoying, ever. If you are multilingual, play multiple instruments, and graduated from Oxford or Cambridge, you could be a candidate to care for little Moses and Apple.

Here are the qualifications for becoming Gwynnie’s tutor, via the Sun:

● Be fluent in Ancient Greek, Latin, French, and Spanish. ● Play at minimum two instruments proficiently. ● Be an “Oxbridge” grad (Oxford or Cambridge). ● Be passionate about sailing and tennis.

Here’s what you’ll get in return, should you meet the above requirements:

● 60,000 pounds salary (that’s nearly $100,000 a year for 2-4 hours of work a day). ● Free use of an apartment in West London. ● Free travel. ● All expenses paid.

Chomping at the bit to apply, assuming you’re not doing anything else with that fancy degree? No? Somehow, this all sounds a little too perfect to be true. If you had to imagine the kind of deeply irritating specifications Gwyneth Paltrow would come up with for her children’s tutor, they would be exactly those listed above. What’s she doing trying to teach a five- and seven-year-old Ancient Greek and Latin, anyway?

Chris Martin Is Not A GOOP Fan

Anyone read The New Yorker “Talk of the Town” piece about Gwyneth Paltrow’s dinner parties? Apparently if you throw every random celebrity you can think of into one room and trap them there for hours, you get one of Gwynnie’s Dinners For Food. Jay-Z, Alex Rodriguez, Cameron Diaz, the Seinfelds, Mario Batali, Ruth Reichl, Michael Stipe, Christy Turlington, Martha Stewart, and Wendi Murdoch were all there. It’s enough to make your head explode. From the write-up, it seems like everyone had a grand old time — except for Coldplay frontman and GOOP husband Chris Martin.

This whole thing is worth reading just for moments like this:

Mario Batali, in pink cargo shorts, was talking to Ruth Reichl. “She eats like a truck driver,” he said of Paltrow. He recalled being in Valencia, Spain, and “watching her eat an entire pan of paella as big as a manhole cover.”

Michael Stipe added, “Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.”

And:

Paltrow greeted people by the door, holding a glass of cucumber water. Her mother, Blythe Danner, arrived.

“Hi, Mommy,” Paltrow said.

Danner unfurled a white monogrammed cloth: “I brought you something. Daddy’s napkin.”

“Oh, boy,” Batali said. “The tears are gonna fly now, baby.”

To me, the most interesting detail is that “Diaz, A-Rod, and Batali sat near Chris Martin, who had arrived looking cranky. (A publicist warned, ‘He doesn’t want to talk’).” Can you imagine how much Chris Martin probably despises these things? Getting home after a long day of composing great masterworks in contemporary sentimentalism only to find that Martha Stewart, Michael Stipe, and Jessica Seinfeld are all just kicking it in your house saying pretentious things? That would get old real quick. Chris Martin should write a tell-all book.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP & Jay-Z’s Life + Times Are Logical Allies

Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow interviewed each other for their respective vanity publications, Life + Times and GOOP. You wouldn’t think it makes sense, but it so does. They’re meant for each other (GOOP and Life + Times, I mean).

Jay-Z’s responses in GOOP aren’t as interesting as Paltrow’s interview in Life + Times, which is bizarrely titled “Straight Outta Compton?“. That one is worth reading if only for this section, in which Spence alum Gwyneth Paltrow explains her long-held love of hip-hop:

I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 (1988) by some boys who went to collegiate. The Beastie Boys were sort of the way in for us preppie kids. We were into Public Enemy, Run-DMC and LL Cool J. But then I went to LA the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I discovered N.W.A which became my obsession. I was fascinated by lyrics as rythym and how Dre had a such different cadence and perspective from say, Eazy-E, who I thought was one of the most ironic and brilliant voices hip-hop has ever had. It was an accident that I learned every word ofStraight Outta Compton and to love something that a.) I had no real understanding of in terms of the culture that it was emanating from and b.) to love something that my parents literally could not grasp. But I was hooked. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last night but I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s “Fuck Tha Police” or [Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock’s] “It Takes Two.” Go figure.

Go figure, indeed. I remain skeptical of the idea that Gwyneth Paltrow could know every word of “Fuck Tha Police.” That said, once you can get over the initial dissonance of this, it’s the most logical thing in the world. GOOP and Life + Times should start a blog network like that of The Awl, but composed solely of celebrity vanity projects. Random celebrities could just constantly interview each other on their blogs. The possibilities are endless!

Gywneth Gets Goopy

When Goop surfaced recently, Gwyneth Paltrow gave a us a taste of how to live our lives. “Make your life good. Invest in what’s real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you’ve never been to. Learn something new. Don’t be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.” Oh Gwynie, you bet I’ll Goop every chance I have. But let’s start with her first installment in which she illustrates just how she achieves that goofy, knock-kneed-yet-effervescent look she’s perfected after years of spending Hollywood loot on shopping sprees.

“The key to it is realizing what works on you personally”, she writes. “At some point I figured out that following trends is not always the way to go, you have to know what works on your body and have confidence (not always easy) that what is flattering is fashionable.” Racked rolled out a post yesterday about Gwyneth’s Goop, and responses were a little cold. She misspelled Margiela! She was shilling for Tods! She’s cloning Chloe Sevigny’s style! Tough crowd.