Today’s Florida Woman News: Butthole Tats

Oh, brother. I might have to close my "Florida Woman" Google Alert because this is the woman is the greatest human to come out of the Sunshine state since, oh, ever, because and there’s nothing that any other person from Florida can do to take the prize away from this Floridian princess who, I’m not even joking, got a tattoo on her asshole. 

What the hell is in the water down there, you guys? I know there’s sharks, but are all of the sharks shitting, like, SO MUCH that it’s making everyone so damn crazy? Like, I don’t even have one tattoo on a normal place like my arm or my chest or, hell, my face, because the space between my eyebrows and my hairline is now, relatively, a normal place on which to get a tattoo.

Anyway, good morning! This video is slightly NSFW, depending on where you work. And also Not Safe For Life if you’d like to keep your eyeballs inside of your head.

“Florida Woman” News: The Floridian Sea Hag of Our Dreams

If there’s one thing that’s keeping me sane this summer, it’s my Google Alert for "Florida woman." I don’t think I need to get into details about how Florida is empirically the worst (well, any further detail, that is). So let’s get down to it: this week’s big news coming out of that southern state involves a woman affectionately known as "the sea hag."

Yes, that’s what the locals of Conch Key, Florida call 64-year-old Carolyn Dukeshire, who was arrested on Sunday night on a murder charge. Apparently, she killed a guy because he wouldn’t give her beer. I mean, can you blame her? Sea hags need beer, y’all. 

In other Floridian female-perpetrated crime news, Miami New Times delivers a story that includes the most clever and honest lede I’ve ever read in my entire life:

Like no good love stories before it, this one started at a West Florida gas station. An unidentified man met Rebecca Rodriguez there, and they exchanged numbers. After a bit of sexting, they agreed to meet at Rodriguez’s home for a bit of a fill-up earlier this week. Rodriguez, however, had conspired with her cousins to beat and rob the man. The cousins also ended up stealing the man’s car.

Was it love at first sight? Well, first sight of a sexy upper chest tattoo:

God bless and keep you, Rebecca Rodriguez. 

Your “Florida Woman” News: Role-Playing Gone Wrong

Ah, the Sunshine State. So sunny! So terrible! Look, I have no qualms about being honest about how much I hate Florida. But my hatred for the state is only parallelled by my love for its insane residents and the interesting ways they find to break the law, which is why, as a reminder, I set up a Google Alert for the phrase "Florida woman," because it’s a fact that women be crazy, especially when in close proximity to coral reefs and swamps, I guess. Or maybe it’s something to do with the moon? I dunno. But here’s the latest news about the sisters who are doin’ it for themselves (by breaking all of the laws). 

First of all, I’d like to congratulate myself (again) for my tremendous restraint on Friday, when I did not write a post about how a woman was arrested in Florida for manslaughter for her DIY plastic surgery practice. You see, the lady went to some other woman’s house, gave her butt injections, and then left her to watch her stories and have a nice ass. But, unfortunately, the injected woman died. See, that’s not funny! I don’t want the women in Florida to die, I just want them to continue making horrible mistakes like that made by Dorys Leidy Quintana. The unfortunately named Naples resident was arrested for assault after taking a brief break from her hair appointment to smack a stranger in the face

Dorys Leidys Quintana, 26, walked up to the woman, who was sitting in a car parked at a service station, and struck her in the face three times, the Naples Daily News reports. Quintana then returned to a Naples beauty parlor to get her hair done on Wednesday evening.

The victim and Quintana don’t know each other, according to the Naples Daily News, but an attendant at the Jiffy Lube service station identified Quintana as his ex-girlfriend.

Police arrested Quintana while she was still at the salon and charged her with battery, according to the Naples Daily News. While in custody, Quintana told police she "was not thinking and that it was the dumbest thing that she has ever done."

Good for Quintana for realizing her own stupidity. Bummer she didn’t get to finish getting her highlights, though. What do you think happened? Was the hair dye seeping through her surely damaged hair folicles right into her brain? One thing is for certain: the chances of being slapped by a stranger at a Florida Jiffy Lube are notoriously high, and the victim should have known better.

Speaking of knowing better, here’s the sad tale of Michael Garay, a Daytona-area police officer and victim of a role-playing exercise gone wrong:

Port Orange officer Michael Garay responded to a domestic dispute between Claudia Ambroziak, 58, and her husband on Wednesday morning.

He asked Ambroziak to demonstrate how she was attacked by her husband, and when she touched the officer’s neck and pressed on it, he arrested her.

‘I asked Claudia to show me how Joe [Ambroziak] choked her,’ Garay wrote in his report cited by the Daytona Beach News Journal. ‘Claudia was able to place approximately two fingers and her thumb around the front of my neck…was able to apply pressure to the front of my neck.’

Garay said he then grabbed Mrs Ambroziak’s hand ‘before she was able to apply any more pressure to my neck,’ and charged her with battery on a law enforcement officer.

Now, you’re probably thinking, "Hey now, wasn’t Garay probably asking for that?" It does seem a little harsh, doesn’t it? But hey, don’t rush to the Florida woman’s side quite yet:

According to the police report cited by Click Orlando, the 58-year-old woman started the fight with her husband after she became mad at him for not saying good morning to her.

And you thought you were having a bad morning? 

Today in “Florida Woman” News

Florida is the worst state in the nation. Sorry, but it’s true! (Second place is Maryland, if you’re wondering). I know it’s hard to get this news on a Monday, but it’s a fact because I have an internet connection and am posting these words online. That is how facts work! Anyway, as most of the nation’s worst news come from Florida (remember that unfortunate face-eating business from a few weeks ago?), I figured it was time to go ahead and set up a Google Alert so that all of the wackiest shit would come to me. And, obviously, the alert I set up was for "Florida woman," because we all know women be crazy, especially in that swampland down south. 

I’ve had this Google Alert for about five days, and already it’s delivered the gold I was hoping for directly to my inbox. Let’s take a look at three recent Floridian news stories, shall we?

1. Florida woman swears she is still alive!

Connie Smith is not dead, and she has a signed-and-sealed state certificate to prove it.

But that’s not always enough. Florida state and Orange County elections officials keep bumping her off voter rolls, because they think she is dead.

The latest "To Whom It May Concern" certified letter arrived last Friday from the Orange County Supervisor of Elections office. "This letter is to inform you that the person named above has been removed from the Orange County vote rolls after we received notification of their death."

"I opened it up, I cried," Smith said.

2. Florida woman leaves daughter in a car while in a bar getting her freak on.

The arresting officer said that Sarah Elizabeth Morrison had a strong odor of alcohol on her breath, and she was also found in possession of four oxycodone pills that she didn`t have a prescription to take.

Clearly this woman has no business driving, or even owning a vehicle. If she is willing to drive while impaired with her daughter as a passenger, then she certainly doesn`t care that she`s endangering other motorists.

Morrison`s vehicle should be impounded and her daughter should be taken away from her. Morrison`s daughter could have been molested or kidnaped while she was getting her freak on in the bar.

3. "Florida Woman Caught Trying To Smuggle Friend Into Jail" (Why bother rewriting that headline in my own words?)

42-year-old Ronnie Ann Richards of Fort Pierce, FL was being booked for cocaine possession at St. Lucie County Jail when a body scanner alerted cops to something between her lips. Yeah, those other lips. After a strip search, they saw something sticking out of her vagina.

After being told to remove to object, Richards pulled a few tissues out and proceeded through the scanner once more. She was to be taken to a medical area, but officers soon noticed and three-and-a-half inch crack pipe on the floor. When Richards went through the machine again with no trouble, they put two and two together.

Keep it classy, Florida! No, really, keep it coming, because this is the sort of thing that reminds me how not-crazy I actually am.