Loopy Doopy Bar Is Not a Goldman Conspiracy

The Loopy Doopy Rooftop Bar at the Conrad New York hotel might fit neatly into the general conglomerate of Manhattan rooftop bars, but for one fun fact: the building is owned by Goldman Sachs. As part of what’s been dubbed “Goldman Alley,” Loopy Doopy—named for the Sol DeWitt piece in the hotel’s lobby—goes along with the Shake Shack, Vintry Wine & Whiskey, and Salvatore Anzalone’s barbershop to form Battery Park City’s new all-inclusive comfort zone for the 8,000 Goldman employees that come and go about the company’s main tower.

“On a Tuesday night, usually, you can’t move it’s so packed,” the bartender tells me, pouring a Maker’s and soda right before closing up—at 8:15 pm—because of high winds.

“And it’s all people from this company?”

“Goldman? Well, they own the building, so they probably encourage them to come here, I don’t know.”

“And they’re cool?”

He shrugs, swapping through facial expressions until he finds one that fits. “Yeah—I mean—yeah.”

This Tuesday, it’s a mellow scene. It’s Goldman people, but even better—Goldman interns. Skinny boys in blue and pink dress shirts huddle around like asparagus, not quite certain how to hold a drink in their hand. Twentysomething girls in pretty dresses sit at the bar, looking slightly disappointed that every other male there is still a child (myself included. Though I did carry the briefcase my mom bought me that I’ve never used). 

My old friend, whom we’ll call Wes, meets me at the bar so I feel like I have some reason to be there. He happens to be an advisor (or something) at JP Morgan, and I happen to be interested in figuring out what the hell Libor means.

I won’t bother to quote, because it’s super convoluted, but the important part is, Barclays took over Lehman Brothers after the financial collapse. And now that this interest rate-fixing scandal has come to light, everyone at Barclays except the chairman, Marcus Agius, is getting in trouble. Why hasn’t Agius gotten in trouble? Because he married a Rothschild. And the Rothschilds somehow have a stake in the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, which they intend to maintain, in order to control the cost of money and the value of everything they hold.

If that sounds weird, or Ron Paul-ish, the answer is yes, you’re welcome. What else is a little weird is that this massive investment bank owns a hotel and a couple restaurants and a gym and a barbershop, and their employees are “encouraged” to patronize them and stay within a one-block radius of the office for anything they’d need. I’m not saying there’s a definite conspiracy theory to be hatched, but for such a massive company that relies on manufactured financial products and manipulated interest rates (even if indirectly), it’s sort of weird that they intend to keep their sheep so close to the shepherd, especially since New York is a fine enough pasture from tip to tip. And what I also know, from watching enough Hitchcock movies, is that if something strange and menacing has to go down, it usually happens on a rooftop. Cheers.

Watch the Muppets Crash a Kyle MacLachlan-Led Goldman Sachs Meeting

In his now-famous exit letter, one of the more amusing things that ex-Goldman Sachs employee Greg Smith revealed about the financial firm (among many not-so amusing things) was what they call their clients: muppets. That isn’t very fair to the actual Muppets, no? In this new video for Funny or Die, the felt-lined friends show up to a Goldman Sachs meeting to chew some beef. “We represent the Anti-Muppet Defamation League,” announces a suit-wearing Muppet, “and we’d like to lodge a formal complaint about Goldman Sachs’s use of the word ‘Muppet’ in an offensive and derogatory way.” They’re met with some resistance by actors Kyle MacLachlan and Neal McDonough, who make for very convincing executives. Watch it after the click, via Flavorwire (slightly NSFW for language and drug use).

"If Americans didn’t want us to get rich," MacLachlan sneers in his WASP-y way, "then why would they give us all their money?" Some surprisingly biting economic analysis follows, if you can believe it. As many will note, it’s the best class-related Muppets video since their response to Fox News’s allegations that their new movie was teaching kids to hate capitalism. To which I respond: Hey, did you know that Obamacare could actually get overturned by the Supreme Court? The world is unequivocally awful.