Legendary Public Enemy hype man, reality-show star, and wearer of oversized timepieces Flavor Flav wants his high school diploma, and he’s willing to move to small-town Iowa to get it. The 51-year-old has experienced phenomenal success since dropping out of 10th grade in Long Island, New York, but the lack of such a basic credential has long weighed on his soul, so he hopes to pick up where he left off at Clinton High School in Clinton, Iowa, a town on the Mississippi River where he recently opened Flav’s Fried Chicken with business partner Nick Cimino.
Naturally, Flav wants a reality show to document his latest embrace of public education, a prospect that has local school officials considering the pros and cons. “Flavor Flav Goes Back to High School” sounds like a potential blockbuster, and could bring some much-needed revenue to the town of 25,000, but schools superintendent Deb Olson is concerned that such an endeavor would be “a substantial disruption to the school day.”
Truer words were never spoken, which is why the man born William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. ought to offer a few concessions to sweeten the offer.
Regular Straight-Talk Sessions with Students on the Risks of Drug Abuse I’m sure Flav would agree that he’s lucky to be alive today, let alone rich and famous. In the early ’90s, a crack-addled Flav assaulted his girlfriend, causing him to lose custody of his children. An attempted murder charge for shooting at his neighbor two years later put him behind bars for 90 days. It took an intervention and two serious stints in rehab before Flav finally figured out what time it was. On the sage advice of Chuck D, Flav moved to LA in 2003, where he soon found work as a charismatic and quirky reality show star. Flav knows that few people are so fortunate, which is exactly what he’ll need to explain to his future classmates in a series of frank, closed-door conversations.
Free Concerts Every Month It’s been a long time since he first performed “911 is a Joke,” but Flav could still still fill a mid-sized venue with hip-hop fans of all ages. Clinton will certainly see its serenity interrupted by the spectacle of Flavor Flav lugging around a calculus textbook, so the least he can do is give a boost to area merchants with a series of free concerts. George O. Morris Park, just steps from the school, would be a perfect spot for outdoor shows in the summer.
Flav’s Fried Chicken in the School Cafeteria I’m sure Clinton High School wants its students to develop healthy eating habits, but a little soul food now and then never hurt anyone. Fortnightly fried-chicken lunches from Flav’s new joint for students and faculty would go a long way toward making him a welcome member of the community.
Le Flav Spirits in Every Bar Flav is joining rappers such as Ludacris and Diddy in launching his own liquor line, Le Flav Spirits, which will include flavored vodkas, cognac, and sparkling wine. Every bar in town should get the full line at a discount, and Flav, if he drinks, should be sure to visit every venue on a regular basis to ensure quality control and add a measure of star power to the clientele.
Regular Appearances at Local Landmarks There’s more to Clinton, Iowa than Flav’s Fried Chicken. Flav should work with local institutions like Bickelhaupt Arboretum, the Clinton Showboat Theater, the Clinton Public Library, and the Clinton LumberKings Minor League baseball team to drum up enthusiasm. Sure, he’s only got one real catchphrase, but “Yeah, boy!” would work with any of these.
Clinton is right to be protective of their way of life, but they’ve got to realize that they’re dealing with a reasonable, sober, middle-aged Flavor Flav, not the loose canon who once required a nation of millions just to hold him back. And it’s about time that someplace besides New York and LA get to benefit from Flavor’s love.
So what do you say, Clinton? Don’t fight Flavor’s power, go with it.