The 50 Most Embarrassing Songs You’ve Shared On Facebook

Every several weeks, I like to play a little game. I log on Facebook and scroll down the sidebar minifeed, where my best friend’s Spotify song listenings always pop up. She works under the alias of her work’s company name since she’s their main FB promoter, which is both highly protective and also dangerous. Around 11am, I take a gander at the list and, without-fail, there it is: a Twilight soundtrack song or a Gwen Stefani power piece. Sometimes an obscure song from Creed.

This is when I hop on Gchat and start a conversation like, “So weird, but remember that song by the guy with the long hair that goes ‘when you’re not with me, I’m free,’ and in the music video he’s singing on a canoe in a drowning village? It’s been stuck in my head all morning.” And she goes “OMG! ‘My Sacrifice’ by Creed! I was just listening to that. That’s crazy!” And this is when I crack up at my own morning entertainment and vow never to tell her my little trick.

Two authors also find amusement in such twisted things: Rob Tannenbaum and Craig Marks, the co-authors of a book about the creation of MTV that has become such a hit that a movie adaptation is in the works. They’ve pulled together a list of the fifty most embarrassing songs we’ve shared on Facebook. Yes, songs like “We Are The World,” and Susan Boyle’s “Hallelujah” do top the list. And the entire list can be listened to on loop on Slacker Radio’s new “most embarrassing” station. Don’t worry, no one will know.

Is your most embarrassing shared song on here? Take a look.

1) Chris Brown, "Strip""

2) Train, "Hey Soul Sister"

3) Susan Boyle, "Hallelujah"

4) Nickelback, "Rockstar"

5) Pitbull, "Dont Stop The Party"

6) Limp Bizkit, "Nookie"

7) Artists for Haiti, "We Are the World"

8) Jason Mraz, "I’m Yours"

9) Owl City, "Fireflies"

10) Bon Iver, "Holocene"

11) James Blunt, "You’re Beautiful"

12) Hammer, "Pumps and a Bump"

13) Starship, "We Built This City"

14)  U2 "Vertigo"(#14 for obvious catorce reasons)

15) Jessie J, "Price Tag"

16) Barenaked Ladies, "One Week"

17) Sting, "Fields of Gold"

18) Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"

19) Spin Doctors, "Two Princes"

20) Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence"

21) Five For Fighting, "Superman (It’s Not Easy)"

22) Flo-Rida, "Whistle"

23) Deep Blue Something, "Breakfast at Tiffanys

24) Bon Jovi, "It’s My Life"

25) Colbie Caillat, "Bubbly"

26) Enrique Iglesias, "Hero"

27) Counting Crows, "Big Yellow Taxi"

28) Creed, "With Arms Wide Open"

29) Ja Rule, "Always on Time" (f/Ashanti)

30) Toby Keith, "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue"

31) Crash Test Dummies, "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm"

32) Paris Hilton, "Turn You On"

33) Dynamite Hack, "Boyz n the Hood"

34) Ed Sheeran, "Wake Me Up"

35) Madonna, "Give Me All Your Luvin"

36) Eamon, "Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)"

37) Rascal Flatts, "What Hurts the Most"

38) Aaron Carter, "Aaron’s Party"

39) Kreakshawn, "Gucci Gucci"

40) Miley Cyrus, "Party In The USA"

41) 3 Doors Down, "Kryptonite"

42) Frank Sinatra ‘My Way"

43) REM, "Shiny Happy People"

44) Paula Cole, "I Don’t Want to Wait"

45) Justin Timberlake ‘Sexy Back"

46) Hinder, "Lips of an Angel

47) Akon, "Lonely"

48) Genesis, "Illegal Alien"

49) Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl"

50) John Mayer, "Your Body Is a Wonderland"

 

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Let’s Talk About Bang With Friends

Do you harbor lustful feelings for acquaintances that you are too afraid or perpetually drunk to properly articulate? Maybe you’re a “nice guy” who wants another semi-accepted outlet for stalking and creepy libidinous frustration? Are you literally too lazy for goddamn OkCupid? Have we got the app for you.

Bang With Friends’ premise is simple: you’re in your twenties and have no idea how to tell someone you want to see their genitals up close. Along come some, er, coders who filch a program that most colleges come up with at some point—check off whom you’re interested in banging from a master list (in this case, among your Facebook friends) and the objects of your desire will do the same (not really; they’re actually out having sex already). If there’s mutual interest, you’re both notified.

Then you Skype naked, I guess, since you’ve got such a problem with real human contact. Anyway, bam! With feature(s) that useless, Bang With Friends is registering five wholly undesirable users every minute! That’s a lot of secret admirers begging to be secretly admired in turn. Man, so many venture capitalists are gonna get burned on this one.    

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Linkage: Megan Fox’s Face is Unreal, Victor Garber’s BF is Sexy, and Screech’s Younger Wife

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Dustin Diamond, forever known to us all as Screech, gives an interesting interview in which he reveals the other reason older men enjoy the company of younger women: “One of the great things for me is I’ve got a trophy wife. She’s twenty-five and I’m thirty-six. So she’s an entire generation younger, and because of that, there’s stuff I missed that I can go back and appreciate now with her introducing it to me.” (Also, the sex is probably good.) [Splitsider]

Is the music industry too focused on ephemera? That’s what TLC’s T-Boz thinks. “The record business sucks!” she tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Great music, timeless music is hard to come by, but there are some that are like that… Those kind of songs last—your “Waterfalls" or “Unpretty”—but there’s a lot of this "just for the times" music out now, but they don’t last and then everybody’s on the next thing. So I don’t think it will ever be the same, but great music and great musicians still exist.” [THR]

Facebook is gunning to beat Google at the search engine business with the rollout of the new Graph Search, which “offers a massively expanded new way to explore your web social life.” Basically, it means you will never have to ask anyone for anything again, because Facebook will do it for you. It’s good news for those of us who have no intention of leaving our houses. (Heads up, Christine McVie.) [Gizmodo]

Victor Garber is gay, which I admit was NEWS TO ME, and it turns out he looks kinda like a forty-something Williamsburg loft-dweller. But hotter. So good on you, Victor Garber! Keep that shit right up! [Gawker]

There is a group of people now dubbed Male-ennials, they’re sharing “emotional stuff” with each other, they consider Google to be a father figure, and it’s safe to say that I hate all of them. [MTV Insights]

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind the second season of Girls, but I’m 100000% behind Texts From Shoshanna. [Vulture]

Getting the body you’ve always wanted is pretty easy, although there may be some light groundskeeping involved. [The Hairpin]

Lance Armstrong, rug abuser. [Hypervocal]

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Linkage: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are Dunzo, Woody Allen’s New Flick Gets a Title

Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles have broken up. I, for one, haven’t been this devastated since Taylor Swift broke up with that Kennedy kid. Alas, at least this means Swift will have enough material for at least three songs on her next album. (I’m guessing she’s been drafting some lyrics on that boat.) I’m hoping at least one of them is about Styles’s second set of nipples. (It’d be a good dig in a song called “I Could Never Love You (As Much As You Love Yourself)”) [NY Daily News, Gawker]

Woody Allen’s latest project has a name: Blue Jasmine. It also has a million people in it, including Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, Bobby Cannavale, Louis C.K., Andrew Dice Clay, Sally Hawkins, and Peter Sarsgaard. Here’s hoping Andrew Dice Clay plays the regular Woody Allen doppelganger. [Splitsider]

Rapper / weed enthusiast The Game took a break from scarfing down peanut butter-covered Fritos and DiGiorno pizzas to make some comments following Justin Bieber’s alleged marijuana use: “Let’s keep it real. There’s a lot of people in high positions…who smoke a little weed sometimes. I’m not saying it’s okay…but [Bieber] made a mistake.” I’m totally surprised that his statement wasn’t more to the point. [SOHH]

Last year, New York pizza joint L’Asso sent me a calendar featuring pizzas in sexy poses. (One included a pizza wearing assless chaps. I know it’s hard to picture, but just go with it.) It looks like someone else has figured out exactly what I’d like to put on my wall in 2013: a calendar featuring women covered in manure. [The Gloss]

“I chose Ellen as Jesus because of the incredibly positive impact she’s had on the masses. When she came out as gay on television her career took an unjust beating, and she rose form the ashes to become more powerful and well-liked than ever. Portia de Rossi was the easy choice as Mary Magdalene. The only other character I wanted to match up historically was Judas. Despite her status as a fictional character, I absolutely had to choose Shane McCutcheon from ‘The L Word’ as Judas because of her notoriously bad behavior in relationships.” Art, you guys. [HuffPo]

James Franco. Justin Bieber. This link placed here solely for SEO purposes. [Observer]

Bones is returning for a ninth season, which only makes me wonder if anyone can bother to explain to me what the hell Bones is about. [EW]

Brad Pitt has been banned from China, and Paris Hilton has been banned from Japan. Too bad I can’t ban them from my brain HA HA HA AM I RIGHT? [Flavorwire]

Apparently we should all be friends with Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia on Facebook. [Creeper Status]

Here’s a video of a dude falling off a skateboard. You know you need it today. [Hypervocal]

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RIP The Daily, 2011-2012

Farewell, News Corp. media property The Daily, and flights of angel investors sing thee to thy rest. Your iPad-only content was too thrilling for this world. I mean, probably. I don’t have an iPad (or any comparable tablet), so how the hell would I know? I’m just assuming that anything Rupert Murdoch pours $30 million into at the outset is really going to pop.

The future of magazines will be officially shuttered on December 15, ending a nearly two-year run of stellar pop culture aggregation that you definitely couldn’t find for free almost everywhere else on the web, so enjoy these final two weeks before darkness descends and you can no longer enjoy playful listicles of suggested names for Kate Middleton’s baby. Except on Tumblr, Facebook, Reddit, Twitter and the sides of graffiti-prone buildings.

Some of the assets and 120 employees—though how it took that many people to produce something that apparently no one read is a mystery; I’ve often accomplished the same all by myself—will be shifted to other News Corp. companies, The New York Observer reported. In particular, editor-in-chief Jesse Angelo “will serve as the new publisher of the New York Post.” Might that fabled paper be next on the chopping block? Well, they’d have to lose a lot of money each year. Like, even more than they already do.  

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Important Facebook Copyright Notice

If you are reading this, it means that Facebook Inc. has sucked all the private information out of your profile and molded it into a databullet that it used to shoot your hard drive with a stuff-taking virus, which will soon know you better than you know yourself. And that’s just the beginning: they also sold those Instagrams of you in a bikini to Sports Illustrated. Sorry.

Due to your acceptance of GPS-locative terms in the user agreement, Facebook also now technically owns the ground you’re standing on. So move it. Okay, now they owe that spot as well. Move again. AGAIN. By the way, while you’re doing that, Facebook will post your most recent status as its status, without attribution, and get 405,897 likes and comments for it.

Finally, Facebook will retain copyright on the hoax copyright notice that people are putting up on Facebook, as it is both legally baseless and something freely posted on Facebook. Therefore anyone posting that hoax copyright notice owes royalties as described in Facebook copyright language. Which you shouldn’t try to read, unless you want Facebook to own your thoughts as well. 

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I Have 26 Mutual Facebook Friends With A Gay Porn Star

If you’re not a gay man, you may not know who Colby Keller is. To get you up to speed: he has sex with other men on camera. That’s cool! No judgies! He’s also got a popular blog (NSFW, obvs) and is pretty popular among all walks of gay dudes. I mean, he’s hot, so it’s certainly understandable! Usually guys like Colby Keller fall into a category I refer to as “Real World hot.” Not like, the real world, but The Real World. The guys are on that show are insanely buff and only exist, at least in my eyes, on The Real World. (Or, you know, in gay porn.)

So imagine my surprise when he popped up unexpectedly in my Facebook feed today. I mean, again, I’m not really complaining. But the concept that he is a real person is so foreign to me, because I’m not generally in the same social circles as porn stars. Sure, Facebook once suggested that I might know comedian and SNL writer John Mulaney, but that seemed more legit because he’s a comedian, and they’re basically normal people with neuroses and problems just like me! And yeah, once Facebook suggested Wallace Shawn, but I figured that was more of weird look into my personality. (I really like Wallace Shawn.)

Anyway. I clicked over to Colby Keller’s Facebook page (why not?) and saw that we have a lot of mutual friends. Twenty-six of them! And it made me wonder: are people just going around adding their favorite pornographic actors as their friends. I mean, I suppose it’s not so crazy, as they seem to be doing the same thing with bloggers. (Of our 26 mutual friends? I only actually know nine of them.) What a crazy world in which we live, where “friendship” means so little! And possibly so much!

So here I am, wondering, “Should I add Colby Keller as a friend?” How would one go about doing so? Just by clicking “Add Friend” and hoping he says yes? Or should I put a more personal spin on it and send a message, too? “Hey bud, I’ve seen your butthole and I bet we like some of the same movies or something. Poke me sometime! LOL!”

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Is It Okay To Laugh At ‘Facebook Disasters’?

Whether an acquaintance brightens your newsfeed with their gobsmacking idiocy or you actively cruise the message boards and blogs devoted to the worst social networking decisions ever made, no one is impervious to the recreational schadenfreude that Facebook culture encourages—nay, demands. We’d all like to feel better about ourselves, yes? Meaning someone else has to take the fall. It’s simple Darwinism, as long as you misunderstand Darwinism.

But there’s a spectrum in play here. You can’t just go around cackling at misfortune and dogged ignorance willy-nilly. Here are some ground rules for Rubbernecking 2.0.

1. Person writes at length about their doings, tastes and opinions, with the flagrant subtext “life is so hard”: standard fare, move right along.

2. Person boasts of heroic drug/alcohol intake: send link to unemployment registration web page.

3. Person delivers misinformed, typo-ridden screed about their perceived enemies and/or haters: hilarious, forward it around to friends and colleagues.

4. Person posts picture of their new and atrocious tattoo: snicker privately, then ask someone else what they think of it—but almost with a straight face.

5. Person complains that they are pregnant (again) or have been arrested (again): release a quiet chuckle, then immediately feel guilty about it.

6. Person posts picture of themselves with fiancée/spouse, and one or more parties are hideously ugly: smirk and know you will pay for it in the afterlife.

7. Person announces their terminal disease or death: “like” the status and reply “LOL” in case it’s an elaborate joke.

As always, do not engage in political debates on Facebook, no matter the content. You won’t convince your opponents, and even worse, you may remind them that they have to get off their computers to vote. 

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Me! The Musical: Social Media Narcissism For The Gleeky Set

If there’s one thing Intel is really good at with its marketing campaigns, it’s giving Facebook users an opportunity to curate their narcissism in some kind of meaningful order. Last year, the company introduced the “Museum of Me” widget, which allowed users to display their Facebook photos and profile elements in a vast, echo-ey online gallery and was actually sort of cool despite its navel-gazey indulgence.

This year, they’re upping the ante with Facebook and offering the more Broadway-aspirant set the chance to launch what will probably be their only shot at being the subject of a tribute in song. Me! The Musical is exactly what it promises—connect with the app (sigh) and you will receive a custom catchy tune describing what was going on in history when you were born, etc., while the truest markers of your biography, your wall posts and photos, appear in the background. The tour guides are cute, fluorescent-bodied little humanoids that are quite fond of jazz hands, which dance through the psychedelic ‘60s, the Pac-Man fevered ‘80s or the post-millennium world of today. 

You can go to Intel’s website if you wish to make your own musical tribute to you, the decade in which you were born, your college dorm-mates at their most boozy and destructive and all the fish tacos you’ve Instagrammed. Truly a Tony-worthy endeavor.