Up & Down hosted the after party for Ms. Gia Coppolas film ‘Palo Alto’.
If you haven’t heard much about The Fault In Our Stars, you probably either don’t know many young adults (or regular adults who read a lot of YA literature) or don’t go on the Internet a whole lot. The John Green novel (which gets its name from a quote from Julius Caesar) about two teenagers who meet in a support group for young people living with cancer, was one of the best-reviewed and most talked-about books of 2012 by readers of all ages, and Green himself is something of a literary icon for the Tumblr set.
So of course there was going to be a movie. And John Green’s international network of diehards probably had plenty of suggestions for who to cast as Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters, Green’s protagonists. Today, after more than 250 auditions, the choice for Hazel was announced as Shailene Woodley, who first broke ground on the treacly ABC Family melodrama The Secret Life of the American Teenager before wowing critics (and earning a Golden Globe nod) for her performance in The Descendants. Woodley was also recently announced as the lead in the upcoming adaptation of Divergent, another buzzy YA novel, though this one is set in a dystopian-future version of Chicago. Anyway, the Internet will probably have lots of opinions about this casting choice, but the creator of the character is on board!
John Green has been supportive of the adapation, which will be co-written by Scott Neustadter (500 Days of Summer) and Michael Weber (The Spectacular Now) and directed by Josh Boone (Stuck In Love). And he was pretty stoked about the decision to cast Woodley as one of the leads, and took to one of his favorite spaces, his Tumblr, to tell his fans just why:
"I am very excited about this.Here’s the thing, tumblr: Shailene Woodley loves The Fault in Our Stars. She really does, and in her audition, she just was Hazel—at least to me. You can read what Josh (the director) had to say about it in the article above, but for me her commitment to the book and deep understanding of Hazel make her the perfect choice."
American Horror Story: Coven. It’s very clear here that the third season of Ryan Murphy’s batshit crazy, hypersexual anthology series will feature some witchy women. As we’ve reported, Jessica Lange, Taissa Farmiga, and Lily Rabe will all be back for the third season, as well as other regulars Evan Peters and Sarah Paulson. (Zachary Quinto assumes he’s not invited back to the party.) First of all, I’m pretty pumped for this upcoming season, because (#RememberThe90s) how great was The Craft, you guys? But also, it makes my theory that Jessica Lange is the head of a coven of Hollywood witches even more solid. Art imitates life, folks.
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Actress Lily Rabe, who was a part of our annual New Regime last month, has certainly received approval from TV honcho Ryan Murphy. After nabbing a featured role on the first season of American Horror Story and getting her name in the credits for American Horror Story: Asylum (and getting possessed by the devil, no big whoop), Rabe will be returning to the show for the series third season. The details are still pretty slight, but Rabe will be reteaming with season two regulars Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, and Evan Peters, as well as season one cast member Taissa Farmiga.
[via EW; Photo by Emilie Elizabeth]
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I gave up on American Horror Story: Asylum around the time that Anne Frank showed up, because when Anne Frank shows up to the party, it’s time for me to leave. I think that’s a pretty fair mantra! But, since I loved the first season of the show, and since the next season will have a completely new cast and story line, I figured there’s still a chance that it’s worth watching. And luckily, Jessica Lange will return to her new BFF Ryan Murphy’s crazy-ass fever nightmare.
Murphy is slated to sit down with the show’s writers to come up with a third season story line next week, but he’s already dropped some hints about what’s up there in that brain of his:
Season three is “really about female power,” Murphy said, adding that the enigmatic figure next year (i.e. Rubber Man and Bloody Face) will also be female. So far, Lange, Sarah Paulson, and Evan Peters have all signed to return. “I got Jessica to do it because I did everything she asked … and I also told her she will have hair, makeup, and the best designer gowns ever made. She’s going to play a real glamour cat sort of lady.” Murphy said he’s currently reaching out to several actors who Lange asked to work with, but wouldn’t say who they are. “She’s sort of become an uncredited producer now,” he said.
A glamour cat? Like Grizabella?! I’m sold! Also, I’m crossing my fingers pretty hard that Lange wants to reunite with her Crimes of the Heart sisters, Diane Keaton and Sissy Spacek. Hell, Ryan Murphy should just hire me to cast this show already. I’ll pretend that I don’t hate The New Normal, I promise!
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I’m not sure if you guys are big fans of Homeland, but if you are, well, you’ll totally understand what I’m saying here about American Horror Story: Even if you are writing about the most implausible, suspend-your-disbelief from a 90-foot crane kind of crazy, you still need to be internally consistent within the dream world you make up. So for instance, no way would Carrie have ever been let back in at the CIA, even if she was right about Brody. That’s just not how it works. She has a mental problem, and it clearly makes her batshit insane, and she hid that information—a matter of national security–and don’t even get me started on this Dana storyline…whatever.
The point is: That is how this season of American Horror Story is shaping up. While it’s certainly more fun to watch than the first three episodes, when things were so staid and boring, right now the show is so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that it doesn’t even make sense within the logic of a program about Nazi zombies, the devil, and Jessica Lange’s accent.
For instance: Sister Mary Eunice. Is she just really bad at being the devil? At this point, she seems more like a bitchy Carrie. Her powers are super limited—she can’t see all/know everything, her murdering abilities are the same as normal psychopath, and when she does use her "gifts" they seem totally arbitrary.
For instance, this week when Sister Jude comes back into Briarcliff to kill her (which, by the way, highlights the inconsistency of the institution’s door policy if every disgruntled ex-employee with a knife can just walk in), Mary Eunice uses her MIND POWERS to throw open the cabinet with all the canes on the floor and scatter them about. But like, that’s it: a telekinetic temper tantrum. Then she "takes care" of Frank, the guard who shot Grace last episode and now wants to go to the police, by freeing a crazy-Santa freak inmate and concocting an elaborate plan to have St. Nick murder him? Crazy Santa can’t even do the job, so Sister Mary Eunice has to do it for him by slitting Frank’s throat herself.
Even for THE DEVIL, that seems like a lot of extra work.
And yikers, can we back up and talk about the insane Santa plotline? Because the most far-fetched aspect of this episode was that the producers somehow managed to get IAN MCSHANE to play a convict who, Jean Valjean-style, goes to jail for stealing a loaf of bread only to get raped by five cops in Santa outfits. So, obvs, when he gets out he takes the jolly red suit of his oppressors and becomes a rape-obsessed psycho murderer. The entire episode I was like, "Man, whoever they got to play Santa looks a LOT like Ian McShane." So good twist, when I got to the credits and saw how the mighty Deadwood has fallen. I wonder if he just went back to his trailer and cried at the indignity of what his 30+ years of thespian training in England has brought upon him.
He delivers lines like, "There is no God, but there is a Santa Claus!" or, after caning Sister Jude, "Are you soft enough yet to receive my light? Except it won’t be light you’re receiving." (It will be his penis.) Luckily, Jude stabs him in the neck with a letter opener, which puts her exactly on par with THE DEVIL in terms of magical murdering tricks. Like, she literally just foiled Mary Eunice’s plan, and why wouldn’t THE DEVIL just go kill Jude herself? Also, why would Jude need to be tricked into coming back to Briarcliff in a double-cross by Arden, after he pretends that he now sees how evil Mary is? It seemed unnecessary. Obviously, it is Jude’s top priority to be locked in a room with Mary Eunice, both making vague threats and maybe pulling each other’s hair, and she’s free to come any time thanks to Briarcliff’s open-door policy.
It was especially weird because of the preceding scene, where Arden gives Mary Eunice giant ruby earrings he’d been saving from the bowel movements of a rich Jewess in his Auschwitz days. Instead of being like "Gross, why have you been caring around shit-crusted rubies for years like you were Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction?" Mary Eunice loves them. And Arden gets upset, because apparently that was a test to see if she was really evil/had a human reflexive gag instinct, and he is obviously torn about his new partner in crime. But I guess he got over it, because the next thing you know he’s helping murder Sister Jude.
Oh, and speaking of that open door policy, someone invited Dr. Thredson to pay a visit to Lana Winterss, despite the fact that his last encounter with Briarcliff was giving it the middle finger. Well, whatever, he finds Lana because "all the newspapers" were talking about the escaped mental patient who came back to Briarcliff after a car accident. Which is off, because Lana tells Kit earlier in the episode that they are stuck at Briarcliff because "no one knows we’re here." Except for all those newspapers.
Anyway, Thredson is about to kill Lana, but Kit, who has been sedated on a morphine drip after he allegedly kills a nun (but it was actually one of those zombie creatures), comes to the rescue and hits Thredson over the head with a trashcan. Then they tie him up and put him in a spare room while they think of a plan. The best minds of their generation, these two.
While disposing of Grace’s body, some aliens appear to Arden in the tuberculosis "death chute" and make Grace disappear. Arden looks mildly shocked, but then again, what’s he going to do? Another day, another dollar full of post-apocalyptic zombies and taking orders from Satan. He doesn’t even have time for this shit.
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Have we turned a corner in this somewhat terrible but mostly boring season of American Horror Story? Perhaps we have! I mean, right off the bat guys, you know who just showed up at Briarcliff? It’s Anne Frank! Yeah, that Anne Frank! I know, we all thought she was dead too! (I mean, maybe she is. There are zombies and aliens and THE DEVIL and immortal serial killers so maybe the ghost of Anne Frank is hanging out like the Black Delilah was last season.)
Anne Frank gets locked up at a Boston mental institution in the ’60s because she stabbed some guys in the neck with a broken bottle for saying someone was trying to "jew" down the price of…I dunno, beer? "That’s how it always starts!" She hisses at Sister Jude. The funny thing about this is that Anne Frank is apparently in hiding, after escaping Auschwitz and getting married to an American soldier who brought her to his home country and then conveniently died. Anne hasn’t told her dad or anyone she’s alive because a) Her dad has a new family (so obviously he doesn’t want to know that his daughter survived the Holocaust), and b) Her book will only work its Holocaust Part II-preventing magic if people think of her as a symbol. (Like Batman? Just like Batman.) Her diary sells because it is about a martyred teen girl, not a bitter 30-something who stabs dudes in the neck. Also, she hates royalties.
And though we have a LOT of ground to cover today, we really need to pause here. Anne Frank has managed to spend twenty years hiding out in America? Sure, she’s good at it. We know that "hiding" is definitely in her unique set of skills. But how inconspicuous can she be when she has this little social quirk of going all Inglourious Basterds on any drunk dude who makes an ethnic slur? How is she not a serial killer at this point? A well-known serial killer, too, because Fraulein here doesn’t seem to have a problem telling Sister Jude who she really is. That’s right: she tries to get OUT of an asylum by insisting that she’s Anne Frank.
But Sister Jude, surprisingly, kind of believes her. After all, Anne Frank does have a tattooed wrist, and even better, she freaks out when she sees Dr. Arden, claiming that she knows him from the Holocaust. Apparently he was like the Auschwitz answer to Joseph Mengele (except the Auschwitz answer to Joseph Mengele was Joseph Mengele, so I guess Arden was only in the resident training program there?).
Anyhow, the idea of Anne Frank showing up at your mental institution is a lot easier to swallow if she fingers the guy you hate the most as a secret Nazi killer, let’s be honest.
The evidence is just mounting up for Arden. Like what is he planning on doing with Chloe Sevigny, whose legs he cut off in the last episode? He is probably going to make her into one his immortal zombie creatures, because the undead were not allowed to testify in court until the late ’60s, with the landmark case of Texas State vs. BRAAAAAINS.
Also, the cops are looking into that prostitute that he tried to rape, who saw all his Nazi stuff. Well, she’s dead or something, but the cops know about what happened that night, somehow. Things are looking pretty bad for Academy Award NOMINEE (not winner, my bad) James Cromwell. Where is THE DEVIL/Sister Mary Eunice when you need a body buried these days?
Speaking of THE DEVIL living inside Blondie, he doesn’t do a lot this episode. Makes you wonder what its/her game plan is. If you were the devil, would you want to spend your days in a depressing mental ward, having to pretend to be a nun and only occasionally killing Hispanic women with scissors? Seems like a waste of time. Besides, the real creep of the week is dark-horse candidate Dr. Thresdon. He has decided to help journalist Lana Winters escape from Briarcliff, since he knows she’s not crazy, just gay. Also, she reminds him of himself? "You headshrinkers are such hypocrites," Lana spits at Thredson when he offers to get her released. "According to your bible, the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders, I’m sick."
Okay, fair, but maybe now is not the time to take out your rainbow pin and make a stand for gay rights, lady. TAKE THE FREE PASS!
Of course, Dr. Thresdon realizes that Lana is right. Being gay IS a mental illness, and he’ll only let her out if he can "cure" her. Lana eventually relents when she hallucinates herself winning a Pulitzer for the book she’s gonna write that exposes Briarcliff as a pretty average mental institution by that era’s standards. Obviously becoming super-saner by the second, Lana takes Thredson up on his offer to "cure" her, Clockwork Orange-style, by making her look at pictures of naked women while hooked up to an I.V. of throw-up medicine, Apomorphine. This type of "aversion" therapy is a disturbingly real thing that psychiatrists used to do, although treatments rarely involved slipping photos of their patient’s dead girlfriends into the slide reel, I don’t think. But what can Dr. Thredson say? He’s a romantic at heart. He stole the picture from Lana’s house (normal), because he thought she might want a memento of her brutally murdered girlfriend (normal) that will make her vomit every time she looks at it (very normal, nothing to see here).
Then comes the fun part! Without removing the I.V., Thredson makes Lana masturbate to and with an especially attractive, asexual-looking mental patient named Daniel. Hi Daniel! Where have you been all season? Thresdon keeps cheering Lana on as she sobbingly tries to make herself orgasm while touching Daniel’s "tumescence." (Fun fact: Danielle Steele was hired by Ryan Murphy to write all the euphemisms this season, which is why we keep hearing ostensibly threatening characters toss around terms like "mossy bank" and "rosebud tits.")
It’s a great scene though…maybe the best of the season. Somehow Thredson’s "compassion" is twenty times more horrifying than Sister Jude’s pious beatings or Arden’s over-the-top scary surgeon routine. It reminds me of when Zachary Quinto was on Heroes. His brain-eating, superpower-consuming character Sylar was so disturbing because he looked and acted like such a nice young man. If they re-re-make Psycho, Quinto should totally be Norman Bates.
The good head doctor is on some sort of charity tour, because he also promises Kit that he’ll lie to the judge and give an official diagnosis that he is too insane to stand trial for the Bloody Face murders. That way, Kit can stay at Briarcliff and not get the electric chair. But that’s only if Kit admits that he is really Bloody Face, even though Thredson now suspects that Kit is not the serial killer.
So, to recap: If Kit can make Thredson believe he murdered three women, Thredson promises to tell the world that he didn’t murder those three women that both he and Kit know he didn’t murder. What? Yes. Anne Frank.
Later in the kitchen, Kit and his BFF Grace sum up American Horror Story’s interpretation of mental health in one of the most amazing dialogue sequences in history:
Kit: What if I did make up all this stuff about alien abductions? What if I did murder those women?
Grace: Why are you bringing this up now?
Kit: Dr. Thredson is starting to say some things that make sense.
Grace: Well, if you were crazy, they wouldn’t make sense to you. Self-doubt is a sure sign of sanity. [Ed. note: Nope.]
Kit: Wait, you are confusing me. So you’re saying that if I were crazy, I wouldn’t believe Dr. Thredson, but if I’m sane, then my crazy stories would be true?
Grace: I have no idea what you just said.
Then they literally just start having sex on the kitchen counter, because thinking hurts their tiny, sane-or-whatever brains. It’s pretty hot, because Kit starts choking her, but then wait… Is that the same counter where the county’s best molasses bread comes from?! Gross!
Oh, I forgot to mention, Grace tells Kit that she’s locked up in Briarcliff because her stepsister got her boyfriend to murder her stepmom and dad and frame her for it. So, that is a backstory.
Luckily, they are caught and Sister Jude sentences them both to forced sterilization. Which I’m pretty sure you couldn’t even defend back in the uptight ’60s as this is consensual man-on-woman intercourse, but apparently the nun can’t let a "murder baby" into the world. (Sister Jude has seen Dexter, and she knows has this shit works.)
Sister Jude is in a particularly bad mood because the police won’t arrest Dr. Arden for murder and possible Nazism, and when she calls her crush, Monsignor Tim Howard, to rat him out, the priest makes an appearance for the first time in a while to yell at her and makes her very 🙁 for being a snoop. But then it turns out Howard is in league with Arden, because he calls the doctor and warns him that "they are onto him." The non-plot thickens!
Feeling vulnerable, Jude is actually openly sympathetic later on when Kit comes to her, confused from his overly-complicated Inception-style therapy session, and tries to confess to sins he doesn’t know if he committed or not. That makes Jude remember that time she ran mowed the shit out of a child with her car (how can we forget?), and she lets him keep his balls.
It turns out Grace did kill her dad and stepmom, but only because he was molesting her. She is sorry she lied to Kit, but he’s like, "It’s okay." Also, she’s still going to lose her uterus so they can still have sex without any fear of murder babies.
Anne Frank confronts Arden is his lab. "I know who you are!" She screams. “You don’t even know who you are!" Arden sneers. "Anne Frank? She died. Or didn’t you bother to read the book?" (Another fun fact: They had zingers in the ’60s, but they called them "zingles" and they cost a nickel at the corner store.) With no good retort, Anne Frank just shoots Arden in the leg with the gun she stole from the cops sent to question him earlier in the episode. But before she kills him, she hears scary scratching noises from behind one of his doors and demands that he give her the key to open it. Unusually bad self-preservation instinct, Anne Frank! When she does get the monster door open, a legless, face-melty Chloe Sevigny drags herself out.
"Kill meeeee," she rasps.
"Hi, I’m Anne Frank," says Anne Frank. Dr. Arden moans in pain, remembering all those Golden Globes he won for Six Feet Under.
And now it’s TO BE CONTINUED.
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Well, last night’s episode hit a little close to home, didn’t it? Look, I’m not saying that Ryan Murphy’s team of psycho-horror fanboys over there writing American Horror Story were necessarily psychic when they devoted this week’s episode to a Nor’Easter (which also happened to be the title) the same week Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast and scared us all shitless. That was probably just a coincidence. After all, if you throw enough creepy pasta at a wall, eventually something is going to stick, and last night we saw spaghetti flying everywhere. Somewhere else in the country, someone was probably like, "How did this show know that I am very scared of having my legs amputated by Nazi war criminals?" while someone else (probably on the West Coast) was like, "How did this show know how very scared I am that Adam Levine is almost impossible to kill, even with one arm?"
I mean, “Nor’Easter” had something for everyone, and that continued this season’s pattern of being terrible by trying to please everyone at once. Did we really need to see a possessed nun deal with mutant zombies? Or watch torture porn scenes of Kit getting stabbed in the neck by Dr. Arden, who has revealed himself to be a brother of the good doctor from Marathon Man? (His accent is even more impeccable than Lawrence Olivier’s!) Did we need to have both a Wes Craven-esque opening sequence where the crazies who (finally) kill Adam Levine and Mrs. Channing Tatum then get stalked themselves by the real Bloody Face, as well as an entire "drunk nun getting creepy phone calls from the girl she accidentally ran over/Satan?" How about we just deal with one problem at a time, American Horror Story? Slow down, you have all season!
The problem of throwing the entire kitchen sink into one episode is that, at a certain point, you pass you fear threshold and things just become comical. I watched this episode in the middle of Hurricane Sandy, and instead of quaking with fear over nature’s ability to call down insanity from the sky, I was cracking up over the site of a legless Chloe Sevigny. I don’t even know how that makes sense, even in the world of Briarcliff. Much like Sister Jude’s problem with Lana Winters staying at the asylum, the idea that Arden could keep the abduction, and amputation of the resident nymphomaniac a secret is ridiculous. What, are his chambers soundproof? Does he plan to turn her into a zombie, like his pack of Frankensteins currently guarding the premises? If so…what?
It also makes no sense that Arden periodically wheels in Kit to torture him and threaten to cut his brain out of his head. Because then what? We never see a resolution to these scenes, but Kit is always returned to the ward, meaning that the mad scientist just kind of waves around a scalpel for awhile and rants about Jews before letting the kid go free. Good thing there’s not a psychiatrist on staff that is about to tell the world that Kit isn’t Bloody Face!
Maybe this would just be easier as a glossary:
– Aliens: Sister Jude sees one when she drunk from the communal wine that the devil inside of Sister Mary Eunice entices her to drink.
– Sluts/Whores: What Dr. Arden calls everyone he tries to rape. Sometimes, he calls inanimate statues sluts. Also, there is something wrong with his penis.
– Monsters: Bloody Face is apparently a composite of a bunch of limbs and flesh and stuff, and those monsters in the woods that Dr. Arden has some connection to seem to be made of the same misfit features.
– Satan: The one living inside Mary Eunice. Unlike Exorcist demons, this one isn’t even trying to play nice, or regress for a bit before popping back up. The nun spends the entire episode stirring up trouble, although in the most weirdly insignificant way ever. Sure, she got under Jude’s skin with all that dead girl stuff, and she finally got Arden all hot and bothered, not to mention she straight up stabbed a bitch to death and fed her to the Bloody Faces. But she also almost let five inmates escape the asylum because she was too involved in a movie? Come on, Beelzebub. Get a grip.
– Sincere Kit: So less attractive than Crying Tate. I’d wager that 99% of those watching at home have just as much interest in seeing Evan Peters’ act earnest all season as they do watching Zachary Quinto continue to be ineffectual.
– Pinhead Pepper: Now, where did she run off to? And did you know that she’s played by a very pretty actress IRL?
– Wet clothes: Tell me how both the staff of Briarcliff, Dr. Thredson, and THE DEVIL managed to miss the part where a totally freaked out Grace, Kit, and Lana re-enter the asylum after escaping into a terrible storm and coming upon the monsters in the woods?
– "I think we found the Mexican!" Best thing to shout when you come upon a dismembered body. Ever.
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I’m not sure how I feel about American Horror Story: Asylum, you guys. Because either we are in a world where Satan can inhabit a boy—and when he dies, transfers itself over to Sister Mary Eunice—OR we are in a world where the horrors are confined to barbaric hospital conditions and Academy Award nominee James Cromwell trying to rape a prostitute after dressing her up like the aforementioned nun. It can’t be both! Because as terrible as rape and electroshock therapy and BLOODY FACE all are, we are now on some next-level paranormal shit, and that will always take precedence over mortal problems. I’m sorry, Chloe Sevigny. You picked the wrong reality to try out your feminist theories about gender relations and sex, and how come men have as much sex as they want but when women do it, they’re called sluts? Take it to Mad Men, lady, because Briarcliff has some real problems.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First off, our cold open takes care of Lana Winters’ only link outside of Briarcliff, as BLOODY FACE murders her lesbian girlfriend. (Who I’m now recognizing as that chick from all those early 21st century classics like The Faculty.) Oh man, and she was planning to go recant the commitment forms she signed after Sister Jude threatened to out her! Does that mean BLOODY FACE is working with Sister Jude, or that the show didn’t want that loose end hanging over our head all season? Maybe both. Either way, I am convinced the screeching has started to get more intense in the opening sequence. Right?
I think next season they should get these girls to do a cover, since they’ve nailed it. (Skip to 1:11 to skip weird Australian accents.)
Now that girlfriend is dead, Lana is really stuck up in Briarcliff. Though, ostensibly, neither Lana nor Sister Jude know about the murder, which really makes you wonder what the nun’s long-term plan was, here. She caught Lana snooping around and locked her up to scare her, fine. But now she’s stuck with her, and Lana is writing a bunch of notes about the terrible conditions of the hospital, which she keeps in her pillow until they are found by the U.S. Marshall from Lost who was always trying to catch Kate. You know he is going to be a really bad guy, because he has one of those faces, like Robert Patrick or the guy who played RoboCop.
"I don’t need those sister, I have an excellent memory!" Lana boasts to Jude’s back, because she is an idiot. "Yeah, we’ll see about that," Sister Jude replies. Lana Winters just earned herself one round of electroshock therapy!
Which again, what is the point here? Sister Jude is obviously reticent to order ECT on a patient, even if it’s only because she has to go beg her mortal enemy, Dr.
Science Arden to perform it. So her plan was to just keep Lana locked up forever with her nosy journalist’s brain that’s now a little less nosy because it has the demons tased out of it? That’s a remarkable lack of foresight, especially when the grounds are swarming with state officials, like the aforementioned psychiatrist, Dr. Oliver Thredson. He’s there to determine whether Kip (Tate) is mentally fit to stand trial for the murder of three women that he allegedly skinned alive as BLOODY FACE. But we know Kip isn’t BLOODY FACE, because BLOODY FACE killed Lana’s girlfriend when Kip was locked up. Still, when he tells his story of the little green men abducted his African-American wife, Dr. Thredson gives his opinion while doing the whole Carrie Bradshaw voiceover-while-smoking-while-typing thing: "Diagnosis: Acute Clinical Insanity. Would I never run into Big, and would there ever be a good time to see him? When it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?" (Not to nitpick, but "acute clinical insanity" has never been a thing. You are a terrible psychiatrist, Thredson!)
Of course, Sister Jude does not like the new doctor, because she is a woman of God and all doctors are something, whatever, you know how nuns be acting crazy. It is interesting how the show is setting up a triangulation between faith, science, and psychology with Sister Jude, Dr. Arden, and now Dr. Thredson respectively. None of them like each other, and it’s probably a metaphor for how uptight the nation still was back in the day when saying "The National Lesbian League" was still a horrible diss and not an awesome kickball team name.
Dr. Arden runs into "his favorite little helper" out in the woods, as Sister Mary Eunice is feeding the invisible monsters he keeps as pets. He wants to thank her for being such a good little double agent, so he’s brought her a candy apple. She demurs, because we all remember what happened when Eve took that caramelized fruit from the serpent. Dr. Arden insists. She demurs again. Then he’s like "Eat. The. Apple." That does the trick, and is also really uncomfortable, as are all Arden’s scenes this episode. It is deeply disturbing that the man who won an Academy Award for Babe (don’t bother, I’ve already Wiki’d it) can be so rapey!
Lana gets a new friend while getting some pampering in hydrotherapy. It’s the same French girl who befriended Kip. Her name is Grace, and she is so intensely loyal to her new blond boyfriend that even when the journalist tells her she knows of a secret way out through the death chutes, she refuses to come along without him. Lana says it’s non-negotiable because she thinks Kip is crazy and also BLOODY FACE. They part ways amicably enough.
Sister Jude gets a visit from two concerned parents. They say their teenage son has been acting out. Jude says she’s had great success curbing the problem of chronic masturbators. That doesn’t relieve the parents much, as their son’s problems are less about diddling himself and more about ripping open a live Guernsey cow and eating/smearing it all over his body. Dr. Thredson decides to poke his nose into this, because he has all the time in the world to piss off nuns. It’s not like a murder trial hinges on his diagnosis or anything, so he offers his medical expertise as they visit lil’ Jed. He’s strapped to a bed and at first seems normal before totally Linda Blairing out, speaking fluent Latin in a deep satanic voice without even a trace of the Baw-ston accent that at least half the characters on this show have.
"This boy needs to be immediately medicated!" says the psychiatrist. "No doctor, that’s not what this boy needs," says the nun. Jed just earned himself an exorcism! Unsurprisingly, it does not go well, especially when SATAN turns off the power in the asylum and Lana tries to make her escape with Grace but inadvertently tips Kip off. You’ll have to excuse me for finding her betrayal captivating. She called the guards and Kip got beat in the face, big whoop. Did you guys know that there is a literal demon upstairs right now?
And in its homage-y way, AHS has Demon Boy follow the exact script from The Exorcist. He throws priests against walls, and taunts the religious with their darkest secrets. InThe Exorcist, the demon pretends to be Father Karras’ mother, knowing that the priest blamed himself for his her death even though it wasn’t his fault. In American Horror Story, Jed knows Sister Jude feels kind of bad about the time when she was a slutty, drunk, nightclub singer and ran over a kid with her car. Totally the same thing.
Look, I’m not saying all Catholics should have a guilt complex, but maybe Sister Jude should feel a little bit more terrible about being a child murderer and also still kind of a slut, since she wants on Monsignor Howard’s scepter so damn bad? Or maybe she should act a little more sorry when she informs Jed’s parents that instead of helping their son, her staff has killed him? Nah, she has bigger problems to deal with. Like making Lana pick which instrument of torture Jude will use to punish Kip and Grace for trying to escape. (Even though it was all Lana’s idea! Bitch-Judas!) Lana’s "gift" for being a good tattletale is watching her friend suffer, except Kip cops to the whole thing and takes all the whippings. Poor Kip.
But even more poor Sister Mary Eunice. Not only is Dr. Arden secretly obsessed with her up to the point where he hires prostitutes to pretend to be her and show him their "mossy pods," but now she is also possessed. We know this because she kicked back her covers in the hospital’s recovery room, and a cross fell off the wall. Well, these kinds of things take time to develop. No one just starts crab-walking up and down staircases after the spirit of Satan enters them. I’m pretty sure it takes a couple weeks of Pig Latin and peeing yourself till you reach that stage. Can’t wait though!
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