Macklemore Performs On ‘Ellen,’ Proves You Can Say All Kinds Of Things On Daytime TV

Among them "skeet blanket," "dookie" and "honky."

The hip hop duo Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performed their marriage equality anthem Same Love on The Ellen DeGeneres Show back in October. This week, they hit up Ellen’s show again accompanied by vocalist Wanz to perform their hit Thrift Shop ... and say all kinds of words on television that I didn’t think would fly with the afternoon crowd. They didn’t sing "fuck" or "shit" at all, but the R. Kelly pissssss part stayed in.

The cutest part is when they gifted her with a jean jacket with DeGeneres’ face painted on the back of it and she goes on and on and on and on about how much she loves Ben Haggerty. Me, too, Ellen. Meeeee, too.

Watch Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Wanz perform Thrift Shop below: 

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Linkage: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are Dunzo, Woody Allen’s New Flick Gets a Title

Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles have broken up. I, for one, haven’t been this devastated since Taylor Swift broke up with that Kennedy kid. Alas, at least this means Swift will have enough material for at least three songs on her next album. (I’m guessing she’s been drafting some lyrics on that boat.) I’m hoping at least one of them is about Styles’s second set of nipples. (It’d be a good dig in a song called “I Could Never Love You (As Much As You Love Yourself)”) [NY Daily News, Gawker]

Woody Allen’s latest project has a name: Blue Jasmine. It also has a million people in it, including Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, Bobby Cannavale, Louis C.K., Andrew Dice Clay, Sally Hawkins, and Peter Sarsgaard. Here’s hoping Andrew Dice Clay plays the regular Woody Allen doppelganger. [Splitsider]

Rapper / weed enthusiast The Game took a break from scarfing down peanut butter-covered Fritos and DiGiorno pizzas to make some comments following Justin Bieber’s alleged marijuana use: “Let’s keep it real. There’s a lot of people in high positions…who smoke a little weed sometimes. I’m not saying it’s okay…but [Bieber] made a mistake.” I’m totally surprised that his statement wasn’t more to the point. [SOHH]

Last year, New York pizza joint L’Asso sent me a calendar featuring pizzas in sexy poses. (One included a pizza wearing assless chaps. I know it’s hard to picture, but just go with it.) It looks like someone else has figured out exactly what I’d like to put on my wall in 2013: a calendar featuring women covered in manure. [The Gloss]

“I chose Ellen as Jesus because of the incredibly positive impact she’s had on the masses. When she came out as gay on television her career took an unjust beating, and she rose form the ashes to become more powerful and well-liked than ever. Portia de Rossi was the easy choice as Mary Magdalene. The only other character I wanted to match up historically was Judas. Despite her status as a fictional character, I absolutely had to choose Shane McCutcheon from ‘The L Word’ as Judas because of her notoriously bad behavior in relationships.” Art, you guys. [HuffPo]

James Franco. Justin Bieber. This link placed here solely for SEO purposes. [Observer]

Bones is returning for a ninth season, which only makes me wonder if anyone can bother to explain to me what the hell Bones is about. [EW]

Brad Pitt has been banned from China, and Paris Hilton has been banned from Japan. Too bad I can’t ban them from my brain HA HA HA AM I RIGHT? [Flavorwire]

Apparently we should all be friends with Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia on Facebook. [Creeper Status]

Here’s a video of a dude falling off a skateboard. You know you need it today. [Hypervocal]

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The Commencement: Advice for Graduates from Pop Culture Guest Speakers

“And make no mistake about it, you are dumb. You’re a group of incredibly well-educated dumb people.”

This isn’t exactly the sort of fluffy, “Reach for the stars!” sort of message one expects to hear at their college graduation. But then again, these aren’t exactly times that call for fluff. And anyway, how totally disappointing and bummer-inducing would it be to hear a totally cliché commencement speech from Aaron Sorkin?  The writer behind The West Wing and The Social Network addressed the 2012 graduating class at Syracuse University over the weekend, delivering some very serious, eloquent, and at times, heartwarming real talk.

Watch Sorkin’s speech below, and check out some other inspiring words of wisdom for the Class of 2012 from other pop culture and literary icons through the years.

John Legend (University of Pennsylvania, Kean University)
This year, the R&B musician, songwriter and actor received an honorary degree from Howard University. But he’s also given two commencement speeches: first in 2009 at the University of Pennsylvania, where he waxed philosophical on leading a soulful life and the “politics of empathy,” and then again in 2011 at Kean University.

Amy Poehler (Harvard University)
Leslie Knope herself spoke at last year’s Class Day at Harvard. Amid all the jokes and one-liners, Poehler left graduates with a message about the importance of collaboration and humility in succeeding in the “real world.”

David Foster Wallace (Kenyon College)
As one might expect from the late, great infinite jester, Foster Wallace’s 2005 speech to Kenyon graduates includes a crazy parable at the beginning, is self-reflexive and self-aware of the liberal arts education, perhaps a bit too long and above all, beautifully written.

Ellen DeGeneres (Tulane University)
The television, film and comedy icon had the unique and extremely stressful task of addressing the Tulane Class of 2009, the class that would have entered the university the semester following Hurricane Katrina. Naturally, she tackles it with humor, grace and important truths. This speech also produced this heavily Facebook-status-quoted soundbite: “When I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay.”

Steve Jobs (Stanford University)
Stay hungry. Stay foolish. Always.

Lil B (New York University)
Not a commencement speech, but The BasedGod still has plenty of inspiring words for the Class of 2012. The Power of Yes is applicable on more days than just grad day.

And, just because…

Chris Rock – "No Sex In The Champagne Room"
Not from this year, but Chris Rock’s wise words for the GED Class of 1999 are still relevant today. Congratulations, graduates!

Afternoon Links: Elisabeth Moss Does Not Think Fred Armisen is Funny, Megan Fox’s Big Surprise

Mad Men‘s Elisabeth Moss doesn’t think her ex-husband Fred Armisen is as funny as you do. "One of the greatest things I heard someone say about him is, ‘He’s so great doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.’ To me, that sums it up," she says. [PageSix Magazine]

● Snooki always wanted a "very nice" engagement ring, and from the sounds of it, that is exactly what she got. [People]

● Megan Fox was surprised by a big, yellow, and slightly phallic figure from her past on Ellen this morning. (SFW!) [JustJared]

● IvyGate has uncovered the totally entertaining or maybe disgusting (probably both) pseudonymous twitter of Scout LaRue Willis, the Brown-educated progeny of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Go forth and read, laugh, and hate at your own risk! [IvyGate]

● Miley Cyrus parked her car in a handicapped spot while going to pilates and did not even get a ticket. Kids these days! [PageSix]

● Kathy Griffin will be on Bravo even more starting this April when she launches Anyway, Kathy, her very own weekly talk show. [Vulture]

The Bright Side: The Real Winners of Oscar Night

The general consensus is that the 84th annual Academy Awards were a giant mushroom cloud of boring, unfunny failure, dropped from the broken-down Enola Gay that is Billy Crystal. You know it’s going to be bad when there’s blackface in the first five minutes. In a Midnight In Paris send-up. With Justin Bieber. The song parodies were painful. (If creepy middle-aged dude is the vibe the Oscars want in a host, let’s make it someone likeable next year: Jeff Goldblum for Oscars host!)

That being said, the evening wasn’t a total loss. Here were the real winners of Oscar Night (sorry, Hugo). 
Chris Rock
As we mentioned in our morning links, he told the only truly funny joke of the entire evening. While talking about his career animation, Rock told the crowd: "If you’re a white man, you can play an Arabian prince. And if you’re a black man, you can play a donkey or a zebra!" If only he had called Billy Crystal out on his B.S. while he was up there, too. 
Asghar Farhadi
"I proudly offer this award to the people of my country, the people who respect all cultures and civilizations and despise hostility and resentment," Farhadi told the crowd. Of all the victories at this sad, sad awards show, Farhadi’s was the most important. A Separation was the first Iranian film to ever take home the golden statuette, and one for which he faced detraction in his home country. A reminder that film can be subversive and teach us things and inspire nations without ham-fistedness or celluloid gloss. 
Poop as a Plot Device
In the Best Supporting Actress category, it was in a pie (The Help) vs. in a sink (Bridesmaids) by Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy, respectively. Pie won. 
Octavia Spencer
Regardless of what you thought of The Help, it’s hard not to root for Octavia Spencer. She looked stunning, for starters. And she was genuinely excited—none of that Taylor Swift "Really? Me?" false modesty nonsense. And her speech was a real, wonderful, genuine Oscar moment – until she got cut off by some jerks. (Losers: Whoever Decided to Cut Off Octavia Spencer)
Bret McKenzie
We’re sad we didn’t get to see "Man Or Muppet?" performed, but one half of Flight of the Conchords took home a statuette for it and gave an adorable speech. It’s enough to make you hope he does another TV show, just so he can get one step closer to an EGOT. 
Team Christopher Guest
Although The Wizard of Oz thing was weird and sort of out of nowhere, you can’t really go wrong with Fred Willard, Christopher Guest, Jennifer Coolidge, and the whole Guffman gang. To come: 
Winner: Javier Bardem
In Alexander Payne’s acceptance speech for The Descendants, he said he dedicated the award to his mother because she insisted he do it after Javier Bardem dedicated an award to his mother. So, way to make Javier Bardem look like the the greatest son ever, Alexander Payne’s mom. 
Christopher Plummer
His speech and Octavia Spencer’s were the only true "Oscar moments" of the night. After he accepted his first Academy Award ever for Beginners (meaning, as the Internet pointed out, he has exactly as many Oscars as Three Six Mafia), he was whisked off into the Alps with his family by a cabal of friendly nuns. 
A.R. Rahman
His cameo in the all-star celebrity orchestra was a nice surprise. 
Ellen DeGeneres
Sorry, weird, bigoted parents group that tried to boycott JC Penney. You lost this round. And we, the viewers at home, got an ad campaign that was actually more entertaining than the awards themselves. 
Meryl Streep
Sure, everyone expected Viola Davis to win, and she probably should have won. But Meryl’s "whatever" was a breath of fresh air in a night full of ego-stroking and false modesty. She was even dressed like an Oscar. Haters gonna hate.
The dog from Hugo didn’t get to go onstage after the Best Picture announcement. The most celebrated Jack Russell Terrier since Eddie on Frasier may also be the most overexposed thespian dog in recent years, but come on. There was a dog in a bowtie on stage at the Oscars. If "funny" and "entertaining" are nowhere in sight, at least give us something cute. 
People Who Love Hearing Celebrities Talk About How Much They Love Movies
So, uh, no one. 

Afternoon Links: Zac Efron & Taylor Swift’s Cute Cover, Vivienne Westwood Thinks You’re Conformist

● Zac Efron and Taylor Swift are probably not an item but their "Pumped Up Kicks" cover on Ellen today was so charming that we wish they were. [Vulture]

● Khloe Kardashian reports that pregnancy has Kourtney Kardashian hyperventilating at first mention of queso dip. [Us]

● People have "never looked so ugly as they do today regarding their dress," laments Vivienne Westwood, who is, at 70-years-old, still cooler than you. "We are so conformist, nobody is thinking. We are all sucking up stuff, we have been trained to be consumers and we are all consuming far too much." [DailyMail]

● Skrillex’s fans come for the drops ("Wom-wombzphz!"), stay for his hot face ("His face [is hot], but I don’t really like his, erm… head."). [Vice]

● You might want to think twice about those skinnies you’ve been wearing because they may be causing you nerve compression, interfering with digestion, or, worst of all, giving you lipoatrophia semicircularis aka "ribbed thighs." Yuck! [WSJ]

● Stephen Colbert is writing a children’s book. "I hope the minutes you and your loved ones spend reading it are as fulfilling as the minutes I spent writing it," he says, setting a high bar for himself. [GalleyCat]

Morning Links: Fox Invites Miss Piggy to a Debate, Alec Baldwin Is Addicted to Scrabble

● Fox Business News has challenged the Muppets to a debate. "Froggy, Miss Piggy, if you wanna debate this any time, I’m all for it," the network’s Eric Bolling offered on his show yesterday. He might want to think twice before engaging so closely with the enemy. [Huff Post]

● Ellen Degeneres, for some reason, has been awarded first dibs on Lindsay Lohan’s $1 million Playboy spread by the young star herself. [NYDN]

● Always the bad boy of the bunch, the Backstreet Boys A.J. McLean’s wedding invitations are bloodied and gothic. [TMZ]

● 2007’s much beloved Once, a romantic jaunt featuring music by the Swell Season, is being staged for a Broadway run. [NYT]

● Alec Baldwin was kicked off his American Airlines flight yesterday by a "reaming" flight attendent when he just couldn’t quit Words With Friends. [NYT]

● Is Kristen Wiig dating Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti? Almost too cool-like, they were caught "literally on top of each other" at the Black Keys record release party in New York this week. [Page Six]

● Guns N’ Roses, The Beastie Boys, Laura Nyro, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, are amongst this year’s class of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees. [Billboard]

Afternoon Links: Rihanna Sounds Lonely, YO! Scientology Raps

● Rihanna is single and not loving it. "My personal life is pretty much non-existent, which is not good, not for the long run. Not for me, not for [my vagina]," she admitted to Ellen Degeneres this morning, adding that, "It’s not really that cool." [Us]

● Former Obama speechwriter Jon Lovett ditched DC for Hollywood earlier this year, and is now working on an NBC comedy about his former place of employment, 1600 Penn. [THR]

● MTV’s Yo! MTV Raps is returning for one night only this December 4th as Yo! MTV Raps Classic Cuts, a look back on some of the groundbreaking show’s finest moments. [Pitchfork]

● Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith’s cover of Frank Ocean’s "Thinking About You" is not good. [Rap-Up]

● Lauren Bush Lauren matched her wedding dress made "of antique tulle hand-embroidered with Swarovski Elements, beads, and pearls" with an old pair of cowboy boots. Vogue has the pictures of her and David Lauren’s western theme ceremony. [Vogue]

● Scientology has finally forayed into hip-hop. [VV]

Morning Links: Justin Bieber Covers Lady Gaga, Courtney Love Finally Paid for Her Flowers

● Kevin Smith told Joy Behar that when he was kicked off his Southwest flight for being too fat, he “felt at that moment ‘I’ll lose the weight, but I’m not putting on thinner clothes,'” a sentiment that obviously didn’t make his infamous Tweet-fit. [PopEater] ● After a year of hits, Grammy nods, and high paying commercial gigs, Eminem is slotted alongside Muse and Foo Fighters to headline this year’s Lollapalooza. [Chicago Tribune] ● On today’s show, Ellen Degeneres will preview what Lady Gaga’s forthcoming single “Born This Way” might sound like if she was born less like Lady Gaga and more like James Blunt and Justin Bieber. [Ellen]

● Courtney Love apparently has settled the $4,000 debt she owed to her florists, who say they’ll “be her florist any day.” [TMZ] ● Will David Ellis, of Snakes on a Plane fame, actually get to call his next movie Untitled 3D Shark Thriller? “I don’t think anything matters anymore, so why not,” he argues. [NYM] ● New Yorker cover-story writer Lawrence Wright told NPR‘s Terry Gross that it took five fact-checkers, 971 queries, and an eight hour sit down between EIC David Remnick and Church of Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis to clear the blockbuster 24,195-word expose on the Church. [NPR]