Linkage: Megan Fox’s Face is Unreal, Victor Garber’s BF is Sexy, and Screech’s Younger Wife

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Dustin Diamond, forever known to us all as Screech, gives an interesting interview in which he reveals the other reason older men enjoy the company of younger women: “One of the great things for me is I’ve got a trophy wife. She’s twenty-five and I’m thirty-six. So she’s an entire generation younger, and because of that, there’s stuff I missed that I can go back and appreciate now with her introducing it to me.” (Also, the sex is probably good.) [Splitsider]

Is the music industry too focused on ephemera? That’s what TLC’s T-Boz thinks. “The record business sucks!” she tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Great music, timeless music is hard to come by, but there are some that are like that… Those kind of songs last—your “Waterfalls" or “Unpretty”—but there’s a lot of this "just for the times" music out now, but they don’t last and then everybody’s on the next thing. So I don’t think it will ever be the same, but great music and great musicians still exist.” [THR]

Facebook is gunning to beat Google at the search engine business with the rollout of the new Graph Search, which “offers a massively expanded new way to explore your web social life.” Basically, it means you will never have to ask anyone for anything again, because Facebook will do it for you. It’s good news for those of us who have no intention of leaving our houses. (Heads up, Christine McVie.) [Gizmodo]

Victor Garber is gay, which I admit was NEWS TO ME, and it turns out he looks kinda like a forty-something Williamsburg loft-dweller. But hotter. So good on you, Victor Garber! Keep that shit right up! [Gawker]

There is a group of people now dubbed Male-ennials, they’re sharing “emotional stuff” with each other, they consider Google to be a father figure, and it’s safe to say that I hate all of them. [MTV Insights]

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind the second season of Girls, but I’m 100000% behind Texts From Shoshanna. [Vulture]

Getting the body you’ve always wanted is pretty easy, although there may be some light groundskeeping involved. [The Hairpin]

Lance Armstrong, rug abuser. [Hypervocal]

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Someone Read the ‘Saved by the Bell’ Tell-All: Screech Is an Unbearable Asshole

If you have fond memories of Zach Morris and friends at The Max, but don’t mind them sullied with lurid tales of sex, three-way sex, gay sex and date rape sex, then keep reading. In the wake of yesterday’s big autobiography news (about Soulja Boy, naturally) and the hypothesis that no one reads them, we’ve found a case in point: the first extensive recap of Screech’s sex tales a.k.a. Dustin Diamond’s Behind the Bell (title pun!) surfaced this week in the form of the 11 Most Scandalous Saved by the Bell Revelations in Screech’s Autobiography. (The book came out last September.) It’s predictably gross — remember Diamond’s sex tape? — but it’s also the work of a honor roll asshole. After the jump, we’ll grade Diamond on his levels of dickishness based on the five standouts from the stellar 11 Points book report.

(‘DiggThis’)1. “I’m not Screech. I’m 100 percent, in every single way, not Screech. I’m cool, I follow no man, and women find me irresistible.”

Diamond numbers his sexual conquests, backing into a boast by asking, “Is it bragging to say I’ve banged over two thousand chicks in my life?” He also cops to the size of his penis — surprise: big! Needy, insecure, and immature.

Asshole Grade: A-

2. Running with a forgotten Variety article about Mario Lopez’s sexual abuse, Screech accuses Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) of raping a woman and having NBC pay the hush money.

On one hand, this is a real revelation that seems to check out, making it a horrible story. On the other, Screech used it not to clear his conscience, but to try and sell books.

Asshole Grade: C+

3. On Elizabeth Berkley, the actress who played Jessie Spano and later stripped in legendarily bad Showgirls: “there was a desperation to [her] ho’ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do.”

His 2,000 women, though, make him a total stud. With a huge dick!

Asshole Grade: A+

4. Diamond confesses to screwing NBC’s VP of children’s programming, Linda Mancuso, who was 18-years his senior.

But she died of cancer in 2003, meaning he has the final word on their relationship.

Asshole Grade: A+++, valedictorian status

5. Peter Engel, the show’s executive producer, used to have sex with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack, duh)… at the same time!

Engel was a born-again Christian and there was coke involved, but as Diamond says, draw your own conclusions!

“[Gosselaar] started getting called to [Engel]’s office for long meetings… and closed the door behind him. Which was weird… because typically Peter kept his office door open.

“[Thiessen] also began to be summoned upstairs for long, cloosed-door meetings… then, both [Gosselaar] and [Thiessen] (!) were called together into [Engel]’s inner sanctuary for another mystery marathon behind closed doors.

Asshole Grade: Class dismissed…

Check out the entire review here.

The Most Infamous Celebrity Sex Tapes of the Last Quarter Century

Sex tapes. They’re like porn films, except dimly lit with less appealing actors. Oh, and the sound is bad. Also, sometimes the bodies are green on account of the infrared, a necessity due to the previously mentioned dim lighting. So unless you have a Kermit fetish or enjoy watching very unattractive people with inept camera sense engage in poorly directed intercourse, the average amateur sex tape probably doesn’t do it for you. That being said, celebrity sex tapes are an entirely different beast with two (or more) backs.

(‘DiggThis’) That’s mostly because half of the celebrities involved have had porn star-worthy plastic surgery. Or, they are actually having sex with porn stars. From Tonya Harding to Kim Kardashian, sex tapes featuring famous folk have become a mini-industry, sometimes pulling in millions of dollars for both celebrities and their respective video distribution company. In honor of the happy and sometimes promiscuous holiday season, the graphic below spotlights some of the most memorable celebrity sex tapes of the past two decades.