If your parents had any intention of not raising a willful, spoiled psychopath, then it’s likely they didn’t buy you everything you ever demanded from them. That’d be madness. Being a good mom or dad means saying “no” sometimes. But that doesn’t make it any less painful. So here are some prayed-for presents I’ve yet to find under the tree—in case anyone out there feels like making some old (yet reasonable) dreams come true.
The original. The best. The only.
THE EVEN BETTER NINTENDO. Come on, it’s got “Super” right in the name? How do you not buy this?
The last Nintendo I will ever ask for, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Swear.
What? You can’t play Sonic the Hedgehog on Nintendo. Jeez.
Red Power Wheels Jeep.
At the time I originally asked for it I was already too tall and lanky to fit in one. Plus I started asking questions about why real cars aren’t electric.
Certificate that entitles bearer to quit Little League.
I think this would have allowed everyone in the father-son relationship to save face.
A cooler, more expensive chemistry set than the one I actually received on Christmas day, 1996.
Which I found before Christmas, while snooping around in the basement. Later I smoothly reminded my mother that maybe she should double-check which chemistry set I had asked for. She told me to stop snooping around in the basement.
FYI, the one my younger siblings got while I was off at college absolutely does not count, except as a knife in my back.
Water gun that, when full, is too heavy to actually use.
Should have an enormous backpack component and cannon-like attachment. Should run out of water after being fired one and a half times.
Doom II on CD-ROM.
Hey, it’s not Nintendo, right? I’m just looking for any alternative to going over to my friend’s house to watch him play this.
Small, obviously. I would take such good care of it, and not give it people food.
I’m not saying kill one of my relatives. But if you could make one of my relatives stinking rich and convince them that I’m their natural heir and then kill them, go for it.
Portable TV set.
You could watch TV anywhere with this! Annoying untold thousands of innocents!
Two weeks at Space Camp.
Realistically, a lifetime appointment to Space Camp. You just know you’ll never want to leave.
Literally anything the contestants won on Double Dare.
It could have been the junkiest skateboard ever, some consolation toy for when your family couldn’t get past stage one of the final obstacle course, and I’d be jealous.
Not that I wouldn’t love to file another police report.
Used car with CD player.
Would do anything for this, up to and including my regular chores.
Permission to be alone in bedroom with girlfriend with the door closed.
Respect my autonomy, you guys.
Ounce of psychedelic mushrooms.
They are next to impossible to find these days, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.
“We’re skipping church this year.”
Instead we’re going to that new Belgian place for waffles and Bloody Marys. Also, we paid off all your student loan debt.
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