’90s Nostalgia, Meet SLIMED! The New Nickelodeon Golden Age Book

Ever wonder how Ren & Stimpy got on the air? Why Sam always climbed through Clarissa’s window? Who came up with the song "Killer Tofu" on Doug? Me too. And in the spirit of "ask, and you shall receive" is a new book full of all the golden answers to all your ’90s-nostalgia questions: SLIMED! An Oral History of Nickelodeon’s Golden Age

Written by the same guy who wrote Rag Doll: A Horrotica Novel, and with a foreword by Double Dare host Marc Summers, the book peels back the orange Nickelodeon logo and reveals the slime-filled underbelly of the network’s early ’80s and ’90s history, off-air gossip, slime ingredients, and over 200 stories from such VIPs as Kenan Thompson and Melissa Joan Hart – who basically raised us. It also details how Nickelodeon changed the face of cable TV, but we don’t really care about that.

While every page of this book will probably be covered vigorously on Buzzfeed – the arbiter of all things ’90s nostalgia in very large graphics – it’ll have to wait until October 2013, when it physically makes it way onto the entrance tables of Barnes & Nobles, where it will be scooped up by Rugrats-loving 27-year-olds, and quizzically glared at by 12-year-olds who subsist on iCarly

Check out Nick today, & follow Bonnie on Twitter here

Twenty Christmas Gifts I’m Still Waiting For

If your parents had any intention of not raising a willful, spoiled psychopath, then it’s likely they didn’t buy you everything you ever demanded from them. That’d be madness. Being a good mom or dad means saying “no” sometimes. But that doesn’t make it any less painful. So here are some prayed-for presents I’ve yet to find under the tree—in case anyone out there feels like making some old (yet reasonable) dreams come true.

Nintendo.

The original. The best. The only.

Super Nintendo.

THE EVEN BETTER NINTENDO. Come on, it’s got “Super” right in the name? How do you not buy this?

Nintendo 64.

The last Nintendo I will ever ask for, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Swear.

Sega Genesis.

What? You can’t play Sonic the Hedgehog on Nintendo. Jeez.

Red Power Wheels Jeep.

At the time I originally asked for it I was already too tall and lanky to fit in one. Plus I started asking questions about why real cars aren’t electric.

Certificate that entitles bearer to quit Little League.

I think this would have allowed everyone in the father-son relationship to save face.

A cooler, more expensive chemistry set than the one I actually received on Christmas day, 1996.

Which I found before Christmas, while snooping around in the basement. Later I smoothly reminded my mother that maybe she should double-check which chemistry set I had asked for. She told me to stop snooping around in the basement.

Giant trampoline.

FYI, the one my younger siblings got while I was off at college absolutely does not count, except as a knife in my back.

Water gun that, when full, is too heavy to actually use.

Should have an enormous backpack component and cannon-like attachment. Should run out of water after being fired one and a half times.

Doom II on CD-ROM.

Hey, it’s not Nintendo, right? I’m just looking for any alternative to going over to my friend’s house to watch him play this.

Live dinosaur.

Small, obviously. I would take such good care of it, and not give it people food.

Massive inheritance.

I’m not saying kill one of my relatives. But if you could make one of my relatives stinking rich and convince them that I’m their natural heir and then kill them, go for it.

Portable TV set.

You could watch TV anywhere with this! Annoying untold thousands of innocents!

Two weeks at Space Camp.

Realistically, a lifetime appointment to Space Camp. You just know you’ll never want to leave.

Literally anything the contestants won on Double Dare. 

It could have been the junkiest skateboard ever, some consolation toy for when your family couldn’t get past stage one of the final obstacle course, and I’d be jealous.

Unstealable bike.

Not that I wouldn’t love to file another police report.

Used car with CD player.

Would do anything for this, up to and including my regular chores.

Permission to be alone in bedroom with girlfriend with the door closed.

Respect my autonomy, you guys.

Ounce of psychedelic mushrooms.

They are next to impossible to find these days, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.

“We’re skipping church this year.”

Instead we’re going to that new Belgian place for waffles and Bloody Marys. Also, we paid off all your student loan debt.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter