Michael Lohan Is Writing A Stupid Book

If O.J. Simpson can write If I Did It, I suppose Michael Lohan can write his addiction memoir / parenting guide / tell-all whatever. But really, shouldn’t we be spared? 

TMZ regretfully reports that Michael Lohan’s no-doubt-severely underpaid ghostwriter is penning a book titled, I’m Not Daddy Dearest: If I Can Turn It All Around, You Can Too

What he means by "turns it all around" is apparently open to interpretation, as the Michael Lohan who served jail time, allegedly abused his ex-wife Dina, and neglected his children during Lindsay’s youth seems a lot like the Michael Lohan who serves jail time, allegedly abused his current girlfriend Kate Major, and neglects his children today. 

Dina Lohan is supposedly also at work on her own "scathing memoir," although what these two dummies could have to say about their personal lives that we don’t already know is unclear.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Personal Faves: Lindsay Lohan’s Wild Ride

Instead of ending the year with a slew of Best Of lists, BlackBook asked our contributors to share the most important moments in art, music, film, television, and fashion that took place in 2012. Here, Jennifer Wright details her love for this year’s brightest burning star: Lindsay Lohan.

It’s hard to write about Lindsay Lohan.

Not because she’s not interesting. She’s interesting in the way only a true star can be interesting.

The thing that makes writing anything about Lindsay Lohan nearly impossible is that, by press time, she will have at least three more things no one could possibly have predicted. She seems to live in a wonderland where she can do six impossible things before breakfast. Just a few weeks ago, Lindsay supposedly punched a psychic in the face over a weird dispute involving a member of a boy band. I cannot imagine what she’ll do this week. But I know it will be bizarre, and I know I will turn my attention to her for at least a moment, because Lindsay Lohan was honestly the only truly fascinating star to watch in 2012.

Do you know what happens when you Google “Reese Witherspoon last week?” Or “Kirsten Dunst last week?” Nothing. Just like us! Oh, well, a bit. They were working on some projects. They had relationships. Maybe if it’s a crazy week they were dieting, probably for a project.

Most people’s lives, even if they are famous people, at their apex of oddity, are about as interesting as a very slowly paced sitcom. Not Lindsay Lohan’s. Lindsay Lohan seems to have found her way to make her life mirror a soap opera that would almost certainly be canceled for being too outrageous.

That much decried, comically melodramatic scene in Lohan’s recent Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor Biopic Liz & Dick wherein Lindsay screams “I can’t live without you!” and then runs down the hallway, grabs a bottle of pills, gobbles them down like M&Ms, and then flings herself onto the bed? I do not think that scene seemed like melodrama to Lindsay Lohan. I think that seemed like “Tuesday.”

And that—not because she gave a decent performance in Mean Girls, though I know we cling to that as an explanation—is why Lindsay Lohan is an object of national obsession. She could very well have given that Mean Girls performance, and, if her private life had not been insane, she would likely be just another semi-remembered teen idol. You can turn to anyone in a room and say, “How about Lindsay Lohan?” They will probably have something to say. She will make them sad. She will make them angry. She will make them jealous. Try doing that with Rachel McAdams. People will say she has nice hair and wonder why you’re asking.

Lindsay is fascinating for negative reasons, of course, but the definition of a fascinating person may be one going through experiences most of us can barely imagine. Those experiences—outrageous bar fights! Theft! Fiery brawls with lovers!—might not be ones we’d want to experience. But surely someone is supposed to experience them, the way someone is supposed to walk on the moon, or explore the depths of the ocean.  

While every other star seems to be getting photographers from US to take “candid” shots of them helping out at soup kitchens and loudly proclaiming that they are “just like us,” and, really, generally behaving just like us… Well, Lindsay Lohan has no apparent interest at all in being just like us. Or perhaps circumstances conspire against her being like us. Either way, if you put her picture next to the vast morass of humanity, you could play “one of these things is not like the other.” 

Just look at her 2012.

A brief rundown: in 2012, Lindsay Lohan posed for Playboy. She hit someone with her car. She found out she had a secret half-sister. She punched that psychic. She sold her own clothes for cash. She was given $100,000 by Charlie Sheen. She was on Saturday Night Live. She slept with Terry Richardson. She was on Glee. She got into a fight in a limo with her mother, who she claimed was on a lot of cocaine, and her father told her the limo driver was kidnapping her. She was almost strangled by a congressional aide.

These are the things I remember off the top of my head.

Other things almost certainly happened at the rate of about one a week. And isn’t any one of them more interesting than the stories we read about nearly anyone else?  

Because, if we’re honest, there’s almost nothing less interesting than the endless articles about how stars are keeping their marriages spicy and raising great kids while watching their weight. Honestly, I don’t care I don’t care about how they’re doing that, unless their secret is living on kale and human blood, and even then, I don’t care about the kale.

Meanwhile, I would buy a whole magazine entitled What Lindsay Lohan Did This Week.

Like Addison Dewitt of All About Eve, I have absolutely no interest in stars being just like us, given that, as he points out, “their greatest attraction to the publicis their complete lack ofresemblance to normal human beings.” Stars aren’t stars because they’re just like us. They’re stars because they are vastly removed from us, burning brightly and briefly somewhere out in the ether, not at all subject to the rules that govern mortal man.  

And for most of, well, the history of movie stars, this was understood. Gloria Swanson had her toilet made out gold. Charlie Chaplin ran off with a 16-year-old girl. Loretta Young supposedly had a secret baby that she covered up and then “adopted.” Montgomery Clift was so into drugs and alcohol that in The Judgement At Nuremberg he had to ad lib all his lines. Elizabeth Taylor, who Lindsay Lohan played with around three different kind of accents, had so many personal scandals that it is too difficult to pick just one.

It seems impossible to say whether those scandalous, unusual elements of their lives occur because they’re famous (Marlon Brando claimed that, at the height of his fame, he couldn’t open a door if he wanted to—they were all opened for him, which says something), but they do occur.

All of this madness provides the rest of us out in the dark watching with a sense of envy, but also a sense of pride in our own decisions. We envy Lindsay Lohan, and all the really brightly burning stars with lives unlike our own, because we wish we could get away with things the way they do. I wish I could crash cars and emerge unscathed and suffer no real consequences (time after time after time). A great part of the interest in Lindsay Lohan—at least my interest in her—is that in addition to seeming reckless she seems somehow, well, wreck-less.

A few weeks ago, the Twitter account “God” tweeted that “the human race is so busy reading about Lindsay Lohan it doesn’t realize it IS Lindsay Lohan.” A great sentiment, but entirely untrue. Most of us wouldn’t survive acting like Lindsay Lohan for a month, let alone a lifetime. At the very least, we’d be in jail. But really, we’d probably be dead.

Yet, Lindsay continues to make films, and recently, during an interview detailed in The New Inquiry, she told a reporter that her goal is “to work with Oliver Stone. And I’m gonna do whatever I have to do to get it.”

I read it and thought, “Well, she might.”

Lindsay Lohan was arrested because she ran someone down in her car this year. And yet, the idea of her working with Oliver Stone still doesn’t seem entirely outside the realm of possibility.

That is not what it is to be human. To be human is to be bound by rules. That is what it is to be some kind of Greek God.

While the idea of a life without rules might fascinate us, we also know that none of this is very good for Lindsay Lohan. We know that we will probably live longer and have happier relationships. We know that, because we know that living without rules and repercussions, and burning at such a dazzling rate is synonymous with self-immolation. 

No one actually wants Lindsay Lohan to die.

At best, probably, she will fade into a minor sort of obscurity, periodically popping up for roles in made for TV dramas and otherwise living somewhat quietly. That would be good for Lindsay Lohan, but, God, we’d miss her exploits. Because know that, like Edna Saint Vincent Millay, if she continues burning away at her current pace Lindsay may not last the night. Still, while she burns, she gives a hell of a light.

Follow Jennifer Wright on Twitter

Morning Links: Ryan Gosling Says He Thinks Like a Girl, Steven Tyler Gets His Teeth Replaced

● Ryan Gosling fancies himself more than just a feminist meme. “I think like a girl, I think,” he says. “Because I was home-schooled I didn’t have a lot of friends and I did ballet, which was always just girls. All of that had an effect on my brain.” [NYDN] ● As it turns out, the Lohans aren’t too rich to bicker about child support. While Michael was in jail yesterday for domestic abuse, Dina served him papers demanding $11,000 in unpaid child support. [TMZ] ● In an attempt to do all things American while on tour stateside, Prince William bought Coke, bananas, pizza, and beer at Walmart. [Us]

● Fear not for Steven Tyler’s good looks! Before even leaving Paraguay, the rock star has already had the two teeth he lost replaced. [TMZ] ● Paris Jackson has joined the flag football team, and is the first and only girl ever to do so at her private LA school. Her father is, wherever he is, so proud. [People] ● Beavis and Butt-Head returns to MTV tonight, and for the most part, it’s as it ever was. [NYT]

Morning Links: Amy Winehouse Was Actually Really Drunk When She Died; Halloween or Hipster Tumblr

● Discounting earlier rumors that she died from withdrawal, pathologists are now saying that, actually, Amy Winehouse was drunk when she died — and probably very much so. Blood and urine samples show that the late singer was 4.5 times over the legal drunk-driving limit at the time of her death. Coroners will brief the family on the rest of their findings later today. [Chicago Tribune] ● Jennifer Aniston would like to assure you once more that she is still not engaged and still not pregnant. “I’ve been married once, and I don’t know if I’ll get married again,” she says. As for her new (barely curvier) figure, “It’s just I quit smoking, so I’ve gained a couple of pounds.” [People] ● Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, says that Lindsay’s Playboy shoot “went well.” Encouraging! [People]

● Michael Jackson was far and away the highest-earning dead celebrity this year, bringing in $170 million postmortem, beating out Elvis Presley ($55 million) and Marilyn Monroe ($27 million). [Forbes] ● Rumor has it that Sony wants Aaron Sorkin, the writer behind Social Network and Moneyball, to adapt the new Steve Jobs biography to celluloid. [LAT] ● Because sometimes it’s just too close to call: HalloweenOrWilliamsburg.tumblr.com [Halloween or Williamsburg]

Links: Dina Lohan Nearly Arrested at Carvel, Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber IRL

● Dina Lohan had the cops called on her at Carvel for producing the ice cream equivalent to a “Black Card,” giving her the right to free treats for 75 years, though it actually belonged to Ali Lohan. It’s unclear whether this is made up or not. [Radar] ● A slideshow of slideshows featuring the sexiest World Cup fans is some kind of meta-joke, but as Freud said, sometimes breasts are just breasts. [Awl] ● Real journalist discovers little-known world of urban cat baloncy’s, a.k.a. “catios.” [NYT]

● A 27-year-old woman named Katie was questioned by police investigating eyewitness accounts of young Justin Bieber drinking in a bar. No joke. [TMZ] ● Betty White outed Cary Grant on The Joy Behar Show. Luckily, no one watches The Joy Behar Show. But YouTube! Luckily, he’s dead. [Celebuzz] ● Rules for using the “Reply All” email function should be committed to memory. [Gawker]

Links: Hailey Glassman Gushes, Seth Rogen vs. ‘Entourage’

● Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend Hailey Glassman is enjoying her 15 minutes of fame, gushing that Jon is “so strong” and the couple are “always laughing and joking” together. [People] ● Everyone’s least favorite Baldwin — that would be Stephen — has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, citing he owes the state of New York more than $2.3 million. [Reuters] ● Sony Pictures has won the bidding war over Michael Jackson’s rehearsal footage; the studio paid $60 million and will release the concert film in October. [EW]

● Seth Rogen did not take kindly to being the butt of last Sunday’s Entourage episode, calling show creator Doug Ellin an “asshole” and “moron.” [Movieline] ● Random Couple Alert! All around celeb-whore Bai Ling and Nicole Richie’s daddy Lionel Richie were seen having a romantic dinner at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. [Dlisted] ● The Orange Oprah, a.k.a. Dina Lohan, wants to assure us that Lindsay’s future has never been brighter because as we all know Lindsay is a “genius [with] a good heart.” [OKMagazine]