The French Are Just Handing Out Awards to Bruce Willis Now

Bruce Willis, who is an expert on guns and politics, was over in France this week, promoting his new film You Know What’s So Die Hard? This Goddamn Franchise. Obviously, the Parisians love Bruce Willis. I was there last year, and I couldn’t go into a cafe or brasserie without hearig one of the hot jams from Willis’s debut album, The Return of Bruno (they love his cover of "Under the Boardwalk"). Because of all of Bruce Willis’s contributions to global, high-brow culture, the esteemed Culture Minister Aurelie Filippetti bestowed upon Sir Bruce the honor of Commander of the Order of Arts and Letters. It’s about time! Did you feel that the world felt more settled and serene this morning? Now you know why. 

[via Hollywood Reporter / Videogum]

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Bruce Willis Naturally Has All the Answers About Gun Violence

Bruce Willis, who is starring in Die Hard 5: Die Even Harder, But Quicker, Because Old People Die Pretty Easily, has some things to say, naturally, about the notion that violence in films promotes violence in real life. I mean, that’s fine, because he is a person who makes movies. But he also has something to say about gun laws, particularly those that restrict gun ownership, because that would allow the government to start taking "all your rights away from you." If you ask me, that’s the kind of knee-jerk political response we should avoid perpetrating, but what do I know? I’m just a blogger, not an actor, so I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

[via Daily Mail]

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Linkage: Lindsay Lohan Might Be an Escort, Jessica Simpson Can’t Stop Bonin’, & a Kris Kross Reunion

If you’re wondering how the hell Lindsay Lohan can get away with jetting across the globe and staying in fancy hotels with nothing but money from Playboy shoots and Lifetime movies, here’s a possible explanation on where she gets her money: she might be working as a high-class escort for the rich and not-so-famous. Some of her alleged clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line of the throne of Brunei (which is a real place, not like Genovia), and painter Domingo Zapata. Of course, these allegations come from her scumbag father, Michael Lohan, so take them with a couple shakers of salt. [Radar]

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter, and she dishes about Scientology—sort of. When pressed, she’ll say only: ‘I’ve chosen not to speak publicly about Scientology. I have two children [adopted with Cruise] who are Scientologists—Connor [the Red Dawn actor is now 17] and Isabella [20]—and I utterly respect their beliefs.’” The cover story also revels that Modern Family’s Sophia Vergara was director Lee Daniels’s first choice for Kidman’s role in The Paperboy, so just imagine that crazy lady doing her own hair and makeup and peeing on Zac Efron. [THR]

Jessica Simpson, as always, is both a good indicator of the failures of sex education in this country and an example of how annoying celebrities can be if their publicists can’t get them to shut the hell up. The occasional singer and sometimes actress told Jay Leno last night that she’d like to get married to fiancé Eric Johnson, with whom she has one child and a second on the way, but, in her words, “he keeps knocking me up.” [Fox News]

Sarah Jessica Parker replaced Demi Moore as Gloria Steinem in the upcoming Lovelace, premiering at Sundance, after Moore’s hospitalization for exhaustion early last year. It turns out it was all for naught: Steinem’s role in the film has been cut. [EW]

Because of money, NBC is going to roll poor Betty White out again and make her watch a bunch of people “pay tribute” to her for Betty White’s 2nd Annual 90th Birthday Special. The party’s guest list includes folks like Blake Shelton, Bill Clinton, and Larry King, because who else could possibly ruminate on all of Betty White’s achievements as an old actress who still makes dirty jokes when forced to read from cue cards in front of a TV camera? [Deadline]

Kris Kross are getting back together because they left a lot of things unsaid, a lot of pants unsagged, and also realized how much of a boner everyone has for the ’90s. [Vulture]

Does keeping a “princess-free” household promote feminist ideals in children or just keep them from having fun? [Jezebel]

Die Hard director John McTiernan is headed to jail for a year and must pay a $100,000 fine. And no, it’s not because he directed that Rollerball remake. [Indiewire]

R.I.P., old guy from old TV show. [TMZ]

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The Movies That The New James Bond Movie Is Like

Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way first: The 39 Steps, because trains and chasing a MacGuffin piece of information and the moody moors of Scotland. Then there’s that straight-up Blade Runner sequence in the Shanghai skyscrapers and mirrors and oh man, the neon. Then a guy falls from the hundredth floor or whatever, so the new James Bond movie is also like Die Hard.

The new James Bond movie is mostly like a mix of Batman Begins andThe Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises, actually, with one part where a subway train crashes like toward the end of Speed. Remember, when Speed had the train part at the end? Additionally, the end is like Apocalypse Now, pretty much.

You know what else this movie is like? Other James Bond movies. The similarities are endless: guy named Bond, komodo dragon pit, etc. There was the rogue former MI6 agent, just like in GoldenEye—and that was only six Bond movies ago! Man, if there’s one thing you can count on in a Bond movie, it’s that Bond you Bond Bond Bondily Bond, that’s for Bond. “The name’s Bond: Bond Bond.”

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‘Die Hard’ 5: Die Even Harderer And Also In Russia

It’s hard to choose the best part about all the just-released promo materials for the fifth (FIFTH!) installment of the Best Christmas Movie of All Time. It could be Bruce Willis’ bald top and icy stare, still looking every bit the proper action hero. It could be the so-totally-not-at-all-subtle and kind of ridiculous tagline for the first poster, "Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother Russia." It could be the fact that it really took Hollywood until 2012 (2013, technically, which is when the film will be released) to make a Die Hard movie where John McClane goes to Russia and goes America on everybody’s asses. Or, straight up, it could just be the title: A Good Day to Die Hard. 

Judging by the trailer, the one thing A Good Day to Die Hard really has going for it — and, it’s a Die Hard movie, so it’s not, like, totally surprising — is the sheer volume and abundance of explosions. And big ones. Like, five balconies at once. Not to mention car chases, window-breaking escapes, shootouts and, most importantly, a father-son reunion. In the new film, McClane travels to Moscow (although the movie was shot in Budapest) to rescue his son Jack (Jai Courtney), who has gotten entangled with some Russian baddies. Cue explosions. The movie will be released February 14th, 2013, but in the meantime, here’s your sensory overload.