Five Terrible Remakes In The Works

From gritty reboot to plain old plagiarism, here are the worst remakes currently in the pipeline.

Three Men and a Baby:

"Adam Sandler is planning to remake 1980s hit comedy flick ‘Three Men and Baby’. He would team up with Disney, who made the original for the project … Adam wants to remake the same movie again with Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider in the lead roles. The original ‘Three Men and Baby’ was also a remake of a French movie."

Highlander

"For fans of [Ryan] Reynolds’ other work, we wonder what this means for any potential of him suiting up soon for that other buzzed about project with a hard-to-kill sword-swinging protagonist: Deadpool. And more importantly, are we going to see Reynolds sport long locks like his predecessor? Is he going to rock a fake Scottish accent in flashbacks as part of the Clan MacLeod?"

RoboCop:

Unlike the original RoboCop, whose chrome-and-black armor suggested something that was part-man, part-carburetor, the new suit is a more anatomically-inspired and streamlined design, more exo-skeleton than cyborg. It recalls certain examples of superhero outerwear—more specifically, those worn by Batman in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy.

Evil Dead:

Sam Raimi himself is producing the remake, as well as helping out Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Young AdultJunowith scripting duties.

Dirty Dancing:

Lionsgate is postponing the Dirty Dancing reboot. The studio has put the remake on ice for another year for casting reasons, Deadline has learned. The remake of the 1987 Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey film was scheduled to be released in July 2013, but now the movie is off the studio’s release dance card at least until 2014.

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Flogging a Dumb Horse: ‘Joe Dirt’, the Animated Series

Typically when Hollywood tries to capitalize on a pre-existing brand (movie, character, toy, what-have-you) it’s one that, for whatever reason, has taken root in the popular consciousness. Any well-known quantity will do. For example, it’s not surprising that there’s a film version of the classic Milton Bradley game Battleship in the pike. The surprise is that there isn’t one for ‘Stratego’, ‘Risk’, et al. They’re familiar and beloved by many. But sometimes the motivation to revive and/or re-jigger old pop culture artifacts can be something less than scrutable. The latest example is TBS’ decision to partner up with David Spade to develop an animated series based on his 2001 vehicle, Joe Dirt. Although I rather like Spade, he’s done a lot of forgettable film work, and Joe Dirt might qualify as the most forgettable of them all.

(‘DiggThis’)Does anyone have a soft spot for this film? It’s a putative comedy concerning the trials of a mullet-headed orphan (Spade) on a quest to find his real parents. Other than a few white trash jokes, puerile sight gags and the dubious distinction of being Kid Rock’s feature film debut, there’s simply nothing there. It’s straight-up multiplex filler that did only modest business on its release. So why dredge this up? TBS already runs one the white trash inflected My Name is Earl—which coincidentally features Spades Joe Dirt co-star Jaime Pressly. If they want an animated equivalent, they’d do just as well to pick up Squidbillies. In any case, here’s a taste of the kind of non-hilarity that can be expected.

David Spade’s Rules of Disengagement

image1. Leaf blowers. 2. Girls who flake when they are supposed to meet you because they forgot about their “friend’s birthday party.” 3. When traffic is so bad you don’t go at a green light. 4. Girls who flake when they “think they are getting sick,” and then you see them later that night at a bar and they say it’s walking pneumonia. 5. The over-kissing of ass of certain movies at awards time. 6. High-waisted pants on girls. Bring back the low-riders; they’ve done nothing wrong. 7. Paparazzi that say “it’s my job.” A crack dealer is a job, too; it doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

8. People who say they didn’t see me on “Letterman,” but they Tivo’d it. It still doesn’t count. 9. People who pick up a BlackBerry and start typing during a story I am telling, right at the good part. 10. People in general.