That Guy Split Up With What’s-Her-Face

TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

Meanwhile, Gillian Anderson, Anne Hathaway and Carey Mulligan have filed for a divorce from their respective husbands—Stevie Wonder, Tom Cruise and Justin Theroux (née Jeremy Piven). Kenny G, accredited just two days ago as a lawyer, will represent both men in what is likely to be a blood-soaked beast of a court proceeding. Kenny G is also caught in the middle of his own bitter divorce from a crazed fan, who filed for marriage without his knowledge; that case is presided over by Judge Judy.

Judge Judy could not be reached for comment, but this weekend she was spotted scarfing down hamburgers at Chateau Marmont with Ryan Gosling, the world-renown David Duchovny impersonator.

Afternoon Links: Taylor Swift is Billboard’s Top Earner, Coolio and Son Arrested

● Earning $35.7 million dollars last year, Taylor Swift beat U2, Lil Wayne, and even Adele to the top spot on Billboard’s Top Money Maker list. [Billboard]

● David Duchovny and his legal council wish the author of The Myth of Sex Addiction would leave him out of it already. [PageSix]

● Coolio was arrested today in Las Vegas when a routine traffic stop turned up multiple bench warrants for past violations. Coincidentally, Coolio’s son was also taken in to the exact same jail today, except for helping a prostitute rob a man at gunpoint, not for overdue parking tickets. [TMZ]

● Internet-obsessed rapper Soulja Boy hops on the controversial "Kony 2012" train with his latest, "Stop Kony." The song is a quick pivot from this week’s earlier release, "Kim Kardashian." [Rap-Up]

● We can only assume that, with his new beard and brown flannel, Shia LaBeouf is preparing to star in some sort of as-yet-unannounced Bon Iver biopic. [Us]

● Jeremy Lin can probably retire now that he’s got a Rick Ross-endorsed strain of marijuana named after him. [DailyIntel / Rick Ross]

Morning Links: No Doubt Readies New Album, Lady Gaga Launches a Tumblr

● David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are “taking time apart” after 14 years of marriage — minus the few months back in 2008 when Duchovny checked into sex-rehab. [TMZ] ● Shia LaBeouf “nodded affirmatively” when asked if he hooked up with Megan Fox while working on Transformers. “I think you can see the chemistry onscreen,” he said. “It was what it was.” True or not, he’s totally cool with you thinking that he did. [Details] ● Ten years after their debut, No Doubt are readying a new album that’s slated for the end of summer. Rolling Stone reports that the still-untitled album is a “party-ready reggae blast featuring Stefani’s toasting skills.” Which, except for the part where everyone in the band is ten years older, sounds a lot like a No Doubt album. [RS]

● Tom Petty really wishes Michele Bachmann would quit using “American Girl” as her campaign song. And thus begins the season of embarrassed musicians and even more embarrassed politicians. [Politico] ● Lady Gaga’s launched a Tumblr, where she’s been posting photos and quotes. Have at those “likes,” little monsters. [AmenFashion] ● Rachel Zoe’s baby already dresses better than you. This photo of him in sunglasses is surely just the beginning. [E!]

Eva Amurri Follows Mom to Naked Town on ‘Californication’

For many actors, the decision to go nude for a role is a tough one to make. They grapple with the idea that millions of strangers will see their butt cleavage, that Great Aunt Barb might have a heart attack when she’s sees a nip slip, and what will Mom think? Nothing but a flashback to her own youthful nude scenes, if your mother happens to be Susan Sarandon. Sarandon’s daughter Eva Amurri will star in nine episodes of Californication, in which she plays a creative writing stripper — a student of professor Hank Moody by day, pole dancer by night. I know a gaggle of girls who would rather streak down Park Avenue then dance and crawl around in the nude in front of their mother, but that’s how Eva’s clan does it. Sarandon herself has experience with nudity, playing a seductress in 1978’s Pretty Baby, as a lesbian lover to Catherine Deneuve in 1983’s The Hunger, and she has a nude sex scene with James Spader in 1990’s White Palace. Amurri’s role has the majority ruling ‘like mother, like daughter,’ and though the pictures prove the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, it’s their fun and empowering position on nudity that makes the mother/daughter naked team more interesting.

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While Amurri prepped for the role, Sarandon accompanied her to several of her pole-dancing classes, joining in on the neo-fitness craze. “We didn’t, like, do it together, although I’m sure that’s a nice visual for people,” she says, “She came and she tried a little bit and she was a really great sport and awesome at it.”

Sarandon never actually got up on the pole, but the fitness classes also involved lap dances and erotic dance numbers. The intense fitness and athleticism Amurri learned gave her a new appreciation for her body image — and for strippers: “I have such a respect now for women who do this. It’s very athletic, I mean, they’re athletes!”

Though some interpret her role as a tasteless “‘nude campaign’ she uses to promote her appearance,” others will agree with Amurri’s opinion of nondiscriminatory nakedness. “Men are naked as much as the women are on that show, which I really like. If you’re going to be naked, at least it’s equal-opportunity nudity.”

Her mother also stands behind Amurri’s decision. “I think if she were playing something that was going to be really hard for her psychologically or damaging, I’d be more concerned, but she had a really good time with the sex thing.”

While we New Yorkers are used to seeing Amurri hanging out at Hudson Bar and Books, she’s temporarily traded her West Village apartment to film Californication in LA.

Star Crossings: Matching Celebrity Hookups

Professional matchmaker Amy Laurent offers advice for Hollywood’s confirmed bachelors and those recently in the doghouse.

What’s in store for Guy Ritchie? Well, he was always Mr. Madonna, but he has in his own accomplishments. He needs to date someone less famous. He’s been seeing actress Kelly Riley, who is great because she’s not such a superstar. I really like him with Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. She’s divorced from Salman Rushdie and definitely doesn’t need to be with another writer. And look, I hate to promote adultery, but I kind of like Madonna with A-Rod.

Yeah, it’s pretty hot. They are both huge, but in different industries. Plus physically I always pictured her with a darker guy.

Do you think David Duchovny and Tea Leoni will stay together? I don’t know. If they do, she’s gonna need to support him. Sex addiction is like alcoholism; it’s an everyday struggle. He’s so sexy though, it’s understandable, plus there’s that show he’s on.

Yeah, and apparently he’s got a huge one. If they don’t stay together, and after a while he’s ready to date seriously, I love him with Meg Ryan. He needs a natural beauty, and she’s been through her own stuff.

And she got down in that movie In the Cut. Speaking of getting down, Hugh Hefner is single again. He should just have fun. Holly moved out because he wouldn’t marry her. Now he has 19-year-old twins living at the mansion. I say go for the twins.

Sage advice. What about George Clooney? He says he never wants to marry. Humans are humans, and sometimes they need a partner. A guy like him doesn’t deserve to be 70 and alone. He’s recently gotten back with Krista Allen, and I think he craves that kind of close friendship. But I think he does best with non-celebs. He can have everything he wants and keep his privacy. Of course, I sort of like him with Anne Hathaway …

She could definitely use a good man. They’d be like the cool version of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Jeremy Piven is in New York right now doing Speed-the-Plow on Broadway … should the girls in the Meatpacking District look out or what? He loves his fame. He worked hard for a long time, and now that he’s big, he wants to enjoy it. And he has enjoyed it. You see him on the circuit in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago with models, hot girls, yet he always brings his mom to the award show. I would like to see him with Karina Smirnoff from Dancing with the Stars. She’s hilarious and fun. I think there would be plenty of passion, but humor will keep him coming back.

What can a girl do to get Lance Armstrong coming back? I don’t know. He was great with Sheryl Crow. Obviously he needs someone beautiful but also active. She’s got to keep up with him.

Like Matthew McConaughey? No comment. I like him with Jennifer Aniston, but she is a friend of Sheryl’s, so that might be tough. I could see him with Shania Twain, who’s got that all-American look, or Christina Applegate, who is pretty, sweet, and also a cancer survivor. He should stay off Ashley Olsen. He needs to keep it over 30.

Should Bret Michaels keep it over 30? He’s not gonna find love on a TV show. Those girls are a little rough around the edges. I like him with Katy Perry. She’s sexy, she can hang with the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, but could be more than just a groupie.

Plus she’s kissed a girl. She might be down for a three-way with Brandi C.

Chuck Palahniuk Weighs In on Sex Addiction

The first two episodes of Californication are already online before the show’s September 29 season 2 premiere. I watched them both the other night through the gauze of David Duchovny’s recent entry into rehab for sex addiction. It was bizarre seeing him play a character who’s constantly turning down sex from attractive extras (because of his character’s current involvement in a monogamous relationship) and wondering when exactly he propositioned them on set — before or after they shot their scenes? I can’t help but think that when an actress suggestively licked a popsicle to seduce Hank Moody, the real Duchovny must have been all riled up. Duchovny’s admission has sparked a debate of sorts on the nature of sex addiction.

The New York Times just published an article about the “disease,” and in the first paragraph references the upcoming film Choke, an adaptation of the Chuck Palahniuk novel that features a sex addict as its protagonist (played by Sam Rockwell). I had a chance to speak to the incendiary author about the nature of sexual addiction, so Mr. Duchovny, if you’re confused during these trying times, listen up.

Palahniuk had this to say: “In a way, it’s all about your own level of comfort. I went to support groups while researching Choke. There were people who would have these enormously sordid lives. Just constant, sordid, stranger sex. And then there were these other people who just had a wet dream, and that made them uncomfortable, and they were at the groups. It really depends on people’s own level of what they can accept about themselves.” Or maybe in Mr. Duchovny’s case, what his wife can accept about him.

The Times article also mentions the handout given to journalists during the Choke press day — a string of anal beads attached to a bookmark — and how it offended some. Said beads, which I received with glee, now hang proudly over a coworker’s desk.