If you have tear ducts and a soul, you probably spent the morning live streaming the Chilean miners release to above-ground freedom, weeping uncontrollably, and eating microwave popcorn. Certainly, there’s reason to celebrate. But though the miners are finally free, their struggles are just beginning. Three months is a long time to be underground. It’s a different world, and there will be some catching up to do. To help them adjust to life back on the surface, I’ve made a list for the miners of some priorities they should consider take into account.
1. Sex A miner is a manly man, and manly men tend to get horny. Everyone’s been speculating about below-ground buggery, but I say let them speculate. What happens in the mine stays in the mine. But I know what you’re thinking: “I have a wife,” “I have a girlfriend.” “she has been desperately awaiting my release,” “she’s wearing edible panties.” But, dear miners, you’re forgetting a simple fact: while you were away you became celebrities. You are famous now, and the first rule of becoming famous is to dump whoever you’re with and get someone hotter. I mean, you didn’t starve yourselves into those skinny jeans only to go back to the old ball and chain, did you? Celebrities are meant to date other celebrities. There are lots available. Like bad girls? I would go for Lindsay Lohan, but unfortunately she’s back in rehab. What about Christina Aguilera? Like MILFs? Try the recently dumped Courtney Cox. Prefer them young and innocent? Taylor Swift is yours as soon as I’m done with her. Now is your time!
2. Money You’re going to get offers, and a lot of people will tell you that doing a reality show is your best bet. They are lying. Reality shows are only for idiots, washed up formerly famous idiots, and people honestly trying to lose weight. You are neither. You are sexy, beloved, marketable. You are not The Situation. So what to do, what to do? You could write a book, I guess, like your fellow countryman Roberto Bolano. Bolano in a mine. I like the sound of that. Bolano meets Krakauer. Brilliant! But books are hard to write and take up valuable time that could be better spent bonking celebrities. So this is my advice: start a Twitter feed, then sell the TV rights to the Twitter feed to CBS. It worked for Shit My Dad Says ]. It’ll work for you. You get the same esteem you’d get from writing a book, but without having to do all that “thinking.”
3. Looks Let’s face it – you’ve been underground for three months. You’re pale as albino shut-ins, all of you! Time to get some sun. And yeah, I know, you have that in Chile. You’ve got beaches probably, sand, surf. You might even have tanning salons. But you’re famous now and rich from your Twitter feed. Why not travel the world? Where to, you ask? The Caribbean is always an option, what with the good weather, good spliff (couldn’t get any down in the mine, could you?), and lots of spring break action. But fuck the big tourist spots like Jamaica. You want somewhere quiet, classy. I recommend the island of Mustique. Mick Jagger has a place there. Why not you?
4. Brand Management Okay, so you’ve got a celebrity girlfriend, a Twitter feed, a TV show, a tan, and a house in Mustique. Think you’re done? Not a chance. This is 2010. Soon to be 2011. Soon to be 2012 when the Mayans think the world will end. But that’s besides the point. You have a brand now, and you must capitalize while your brand is still hot. Because who knows what will happen. Maybe next year some guy will be stuck in a frozen cave for 5 months. Then where will you be, huh? So this is what I’m thinking: charcoal. Obvious, right? After all, you’re a miner. And what do you mine for? Well I don’t actually know what you mine for. But I do know this: people love to barbeque. Chileans love it. Americans love it. Everyone loves it. And those Kingsford guys have had a monopoly for far too long. But you guys have something they don’t. You have the love of the people. Use it or lose it, dear miners.
5. Culture Now that your brand is strong and you’ve got various revenue streams running like wild and beautiful like an un-mined mountainside, you can finally kick back, relax, and catch up on all the fun stuff you’ve missed. Unfortunately, you didn’t miss that much fun stuff. There was that Franzen book, which had some mining in it, but, eh… There was Jersey Shore Season 2. The World Cup – Chile didn’t win, sorry bra. So what’s left? Four words: Mad Men. Season Four. Watch it. It’s excellent. Don writes in a diary. Season Finale is on Sunday. If you’re not doing anything, you can come watch at my apartment. Bring your new girlfriends.