Morning Links: Snookie and JWoww Get The Go From Jersey City, Earl Sweatshirt Returns

● You can retire your "FREE EARL" tees, because it seems like the Odd Future rapper has at last returned from his Samoan exile. [RapFix]

● Courtney Cox hasn’t had sex since she split with David Arquette a year ago, but not for lack of trying. "No guy’s asked me out," she says. "I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, but it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general." [Us]

● Erykah Badu was photoed out in Hollywood wearing stilletoed ice skates, but alas, as TMZ reports, "the 40-year-old will not be competing in any fashion Olympics." [TMZ]

● Maya Rudolph will return to her old Saturday Night Live digs as host on February 18th. Sleigh Bells will join her as musical guests. [Huff Post]

● Jersey City has given Snooki and JWoww the go ahead to film their Jersey Shore spinoff, and filming is expected to begin later this month. Take that Hoboken. [NYP]

House is ending its run at the end of this eighth season. You will have to consult a real doctor about your medical quandaries from now on. [THR]

● Naomi Watts has been cast as Princess Diana in Caught in Flight, Oliver Hirschbiegel’s drama about the last few years of Di’s life. [Variety]

Let’s Guess the Dead Actress in this ‘Scream 4’ Film Still

Press stills from an upcoming movie are supposed entice viewers to actually go see the movie, and we guess this new image from Scream 4 does just that — if you’re a deranged scumbag. The still features Deputy Dewey and Sherrif Seth Cohen investigating a grisly murder scene, in which a formerly breathing woman hangs from the ceiling covered in an artery’s worth of her own blood. Nasty. The web has labeled the image “spoiler-y,” but it isn’t really, since we assume people will die in Scream 4, and the actress’ head is cropped out to keep her identity a secret. So why don’t we go ahead and spoil it then, in a little game we like to call, Guess Which Scream 4 Actress Is Hanging From the Ceiling in this Still from Scream 4!

For starters, we need to list the potential victims. In other words, every actress appearing in Scream 4. They are: Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, Allison Brie, Marielle Jaffe, Brittany Robertson, Marley Shelton, Kristen Bell, Anna Paquin, Mary McDonnell, and Shenae Grimes.

Right off the bat, we can eliminate Courtney Cox’s Gale Weathers, because given her romantic history with Deputy Dewey, he’d be far more perturbed if that was her doing the live reenacting of Hangman. Neve Campbell’s Sidney Prescott can go too, because as the trailer points out, “They can’t kill Sidney, she’s victim royalty.” Although that might be a red herring, let’s assume she lives. That leaves the new additions to the Scream franchise. Mary Shelton is out — that’s her holding the camera — as is Mary McDonnell, since she’s too old, and that’s the body of a young’un.

Which brings us to body type. Since I happened to major in the Physiology of Actresses in college, we can safely rule out Emma Roberts, Anna Paquin, Shenae Grimes, and Allison Brie as being to thin for those slightly fuller legs, despite the fact that this could be a body double. That leaves Kristen Bell, Hayden Panettiere, and two relative unknowns, Marielle Jaffe and Brittany Robertson.

At this point, we turn to our final, and most convincing piece of evidence: The trailer. After two hours of careful study, and using the latest in pause-rewind technology, I think we have our victim. Panettiere figures very prominently in the trailer, and seems like she appears in the movie’s third act, which presumably occurs after this crime scene. While it appears that she will get stuck like a pig at one point, her outfits in the trailer never quite match up with the one in this photo. Kristen Bell isn’t in the trailer at all, leaving me to believe she’ll be this installment’s Drew Barrymore: the unfortunate celebrity who gets hacked up in the film’s opening sequence. So this could very well be her, except that it isn’t. How do we know? Have a look below at the split-second still we pulled from the trailer.

image

Notice the matching the sweater, the identical wall color, and, most importantly, the figure in the foreground holding a knife and wearing the mask from Scream. This chick looks like she’s about to get got. This chick also looks like Brittany Robertson, an up-and-coming actress best known as the lead in the CW’s cancelled drama Life Unexpected, which is ironic, since when we go and see Scream 4 next month, her death is going to be very, very expected.

David Arquette Warned Us About His Tendency to Overshare on Howard Stern

David Arquette is facing some heat for explicit comments he made yesterday on the Howard Stern Show about his disintegrating marriage to Courtney Cox. The backlash has been so bad that Arquette took to his Twitter account today to apologize: “I went on Howard Stern yesterday to provide clarity and honesty about what I’m experiencing but while doing that I shared too much…it’s alright for me to be honest about my own feelings but in retrospect some of the information I provided involved others and for that I am sorry and humbled.” Coincidentally, about 5 days ago, Arquette sat around a table at Nobu in Hollywood with some other famous people and predicted his own future.

It’s called the Howard Stern Celebrity Superfan Roundtable (seriously), and it happened back on October 8th, when all was supposedly roses in Cox-Arquette land. He, along with Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks, Jeff Probst, Sarah Silverman, Lost creator Damon Lindelof, Ryan Phillipe, Steven Weber, and Jillian Barberie, spent over two hours talking about their undying love of all things Stern. As everyone at the table had been guests on the show at one point, talk turned to how best to deal with the hold-nothing-back nature of the show without offending your loved ones. Arquette shared an anecdote about an ex-girlfriend berating him for talking about her on the air, and then rationalized it by insisting that “you have to be open and honest” when speaking with Stern. Looks like he took his own advice. He goes on to talk about the time he asked Jennifer Aniston if he could send Howard a picture of her ass, so please, do yourself a favor and listen. It begins at the 5:45 mark.

Advice to the Chilean Miners Now That They’re Free

If you have tear ducts and a soul, you probably spent the morning live streaming the Chilean miners release to above-ground freedom, weeping uncontrollably, and eating microwave popcorn. Certainly, there’s reason to celebrate. But though the miners are finally free, their struggles are just beginning. Three months is a long time to be underground. It’s a different world, and there will be some catching up to do. To help them adjust to life back on the surface, I’ve made a list for the miners of some priorities they should consider take into account.

1. Sex A miner is a manly man, and manly men tend to get horny. Everyone’s been speculating about below-ground buggery, but I say let them speculate. What happens in the mine stays in the mine. But I know what you’re thinking: “I have a wife,” “I have a girlfriend.” “she has been desperately awaiting my release,” “she’s wearing edible panties.” But, dear miners, you’re forgetting a simple fact: while you were away you became celebrities. You are famous now, and the first rule of becoming famous is to dump whoever you’re with and get someone hotter. I mean, you didn’t starve yourselves into those skinny jeans only to go back to the old ball and chain, did you? Celebrities are meant to date other celebrities. There are lots available. Like bad girls? I would go for Lindsay Lohan, but unfortunately she’s back in rehab. What about Christina Aguilera? Like MILFs? Try the recently dumped Courtney Cox. Prefer them young and innocent? Taylor Swift is yours as soon as I’m done with her. Now is your time!

2. Money You’re going to get offers, and a lot of people will tell you that doing a reality show is your best bet. They are lying. Reality shows are only for idiots, washed up formerly famous idiots, and people honestly trying to lose weight. You are neither. You are sexy, beloved, marketable. You are not The Situation. So what to do, what to do? You could write a book, I guess, like your fellow countryman Roberto Bolano. Bolano in a mine. I like the sound of that. Bolano meets Krakauer. Brilliant! But books are hard to write and take up valuable time that could be better spent bonking celebrities. So this is my advice: start a Twitter feed, then sell the TV rights to the Twitter feed to CBS. It worked for Shit My Dad Says ]. It’ll work for you. You get the same esteem you’d get from writing a book, but without having to do all that “thinking.”

3. Looks Let’s face it – you’ve been underground for three months. You’re pale as albino shut-ins, all of you! Time to get some sun. And yeah, I know, you have that in Chile. You’ve got beaches probably, sand, surf. You might even have tanning salons. But you’re famous now and rich from your Twitter feed. Why not travel the world? Where to, you ask? The Caribbean is always an option, what with the good weather, good spliff (couldn’t get any down in the mine, could you?), and lots of spring break action. But fuck the big tourist spots like Jamaica. You want somewhere quiet, classy. I recommend the island of Mustique. Mick Jagger has a place there. Why not you?

4. Brand Management Okay, so you’ve got a celebrity girlfriend, a Twitter feed, a TV show, a tan, and a house in Mustique. Think you’re done? Not a chance. This is 2010. Soon to be 2011. Soon to be 2012 when the Mayans think the world will end. But that’s besides the point. You have a brand now, and you must capitalize while your brand is still hot. Because who knows what will happen. Maybe next year some guy will be stuck in a frozen cave for 5 months. Then where will you be, huh? So this is what I’m thinking: charcoal. Obvious, right? After all, you’re a miner. And what do you mine for? Well I don’t actually know what you mine for. But I do know this: people love to barbeque. Chileans love it. Americans love it. Everyone loves it. And those Kingsford guys have had a monopoly for far too long. But you guys have something they don’t. You have the love of the people. Use it or lose it, dear miners.

5. Culture Now that your brand is strong and you’ve got various revenue streams running like wild and beautiful like an un-mined mountainside, you can finally kick back, relax, and catch up on all the fun stuff you’ve missed. Unfortunately, you didn’t miss that much fun stuff. There was that Franzen book, which had some mining in it, but, eh… There was Jersey Shore Season 2. The World Cup – Chile didn’t win, sorry bra. So what’s left? Four words: Mad Men. Season Four. Watch it. It’s excellent. Don writes in a diary. Season Finale is on Sunday. If you’re not doing anything, you can come watch at my apartment. Bring your new girlfriends.

Links: Courteney Cox & David Arquette Call It a Day, Kate Moss Says Coke Helped Her Career

● Longtime couple Courtney Cox and David Arquette have been separated for a few months, leading many to wonder just what kind of “fiction” Cougar Town really is. [TMZ] ● American Idol‘s Crystal Bowersox, who placed second, was married in an “earth-friendly hemp and cotton gown,” and yet she wonders why Real America did not vote for her. [People] ● Paris Hilton is taking bathroom breaks with boys. [Page Six]

● After being caught snorting cocaine on camera, Kate Moss says her salary has doubled, giving misguided hope to the washed up everywhere. [PopEater] ● It is normal, when reading headlines like, “Daniel Radcliffe Looks Forward to Sex With Broadway Dancers,” to wonder worriedly, “What would Dumbledore think?” [HuffPo] ● George Michael, in jail for drunk driving, has been unleashed again upon the world’s consciousness, while “Freedom” rings from mountaintops. [CNN]

Courtney Cox Is the New Face of Alabama

When I was younger—but old enough to know what Prada was—I took a trip to Alabama to visit a friend, who I met at a club after sneaking in with a fake ID. She lived in Birmingham and, quite frankly, there wasn’t much to do there back then. There was one mall in the entire state of Alabama and the beaches were, well…let’s say we preferred Panama City in Florida. But guess what? Things have changed.

You wouldn’t place Alabama at the center of affluent traveler’s radar but, believe it or not, 7.1 million people visited Mobile and Baldwin counties last year, spending about $3.1 billion. Eager not to lose the new influx of tourism dollars in the oily wake of the BP spill, Alabama Tourism recruited America’s best known cougar-MILF, Courtney Cox, to lure them lack.

Cox, along with that reality show singer guy Taylor Hicks, has agreed to promote the state in a new campaign that’s hoping to win visitors back. Both Birmingham natives, Cox and Taylor will talk up the Southern state, Cox primarily focusing on her Gulf Coast childhood memories. The actress plans on shooting the commercial after she wraps Scream 4, which she’s currently filming in Michigan.

Hicks, who has a lot more free time on his hands, has already filmed his PSA.

Links: Paris Hilton vs. Kim Kardashian, Jude Law Licks Norah Jones

● Lindsay Lohan doesn’t pay for drinks, okay?! After grabbing and downing two bottles of expensive champagne at Crown Bar, Lohan promptly had a hissy fit when the bartender gave her the bill. [People] ● Paris Hilton is mad at Kim Kardashian and her sisters for biting the dubious fame hand that feeds and becoming more famous than her. [P6] ● Don’t mess with Courtney Cox when it comes to a ham and cheese sandwich. Turns out Ms. Cox is quite the terror on the set of Cougar Town, humiliating a crew member for not preparing the sandwich with equal parts ham and cheese. [PopCrunch]

● The British poster for the movie Couples Retreat doesn’t feature black couple Faizon Love and Kali Hawk on it. Wonder why? [HuffingtonPost] ● Bruce Springsteen can do wrong, except when he’s playing in Michigan and yells out “Hello, Ohio!” [Yahoo] ● Norah Jones says her experience on the film My Blueberry Nights was surreal, seeing that she spent three days getting her face licked by Jude Law. [DailyMail]

Links: E. John Has E. Coli, Roman Polanski Posting Bail

● Brad Pitt (dressed as Lance Rock of Yo Gabba Gabba) and Angelina Jolie (zombie) took Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh for some Halloween fun in L.A on Saturday. [Radar] ● Edward Norton was one of many that participated in the New York City Marathon yesterday, finishing in 3 hours, 48 minutes, and 1 second; he was running to raise awareness for the Maasai Wilderness Conservation Trust. [E!] ● Elton John’s tour with Billy Joel is being put off after John contracted a case of E. coli and has been ordered by doctors not to perform. [CBC]

● Scott Foley will be Courtney Cox’s latest prey on ABC’s Cougar Town. [EW] ● Thandie Newton thought Oliver Stone was crazy when he cast her as Condoleezza Rice in his film W, and now the former Secretary of State is signed to the same talent agency (William Morris) as Newton. [DailyMail] ● Roman Polanski is still trying to get out of jail, this time offering to post a serious amount of cash for bail. Well, it’s not like he’s a flight risk or anything. [TMZ]

Links: Vanessa Hudgens vs. Megan Fox, Kardashian Diet Revealed

● After nonstop tabloid coverage, Jon and Kate Plus Eight are back on the air from their self-imposed hiatus. [Us] ● Now that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are dunzo, let’s take a look at their recently released private wedding album. [MrPaparazzi] ● Rumors that Vanessa Hudgens has banned BF Zac Efron from seeing Megan Fox are false; Hudgens is just (understandably) terrified that Megan Fox is going to steal her man. [Showbizspy]

● Want to have a body like Kim or Khloe Kardashian? It doesn’t take dieting or hard work — just some Quicktrim, which they proudly hawking. [QTDiet] ● Scream IV will be Neve Campbell- and Jamie Kennedy-free, but original players Courtney Cox, David Arquette, director Wes Craven, and creator Kevin Williamson will be back for their cushy recession paychecks. [IGN] ● America Ferrera debuted her non-ugly Ugly Betty look for the upcoming season yesterday, defeating the whole point of the series. [JustJared]