‘Happy Endings’ Gets Canceled, We Can’t Have Nice Things

In the end, despite all the streaming and all the passionate pleas of a small but fiercely loyal fanbase (as it often goes with these kinds of things), ABC went ahead with what was probably their plan all along and announced the cancellation of ensemble comedy Happy Endings. This whole thing is dumb and a little infuriating for a lot of reasons. For one, it was easily the best traditional sitcom on TV right now (come on now, How I Met Your Mother hasn’t been good in years and you know it, you sad, sad person). Two, the poorly-publicized switching of timeslots certainly didn’t help and suggested this was a long time coming, which is a total bummer, and the ominous, hostage-y “Save Happy Endings” campaign from ABC was weird and kind of insulting to fans.

Also, Happy Endings got canceled and the gag-inducing Tim Allen vehicle Last Man Standing and the what-is-this-I-don’t-even-know The Neighbors survived to live another day, which is evidence that, as a TV-watching public, we can’t have nice things. At least ABC still has Scandal? And Nashville is coming back. It’s not all bad news?

On the bright side, the show may get picked up by USA and be reborn as a cable comedy, similar to what happened to the similarly beloved but poor-ratings-generating Courteney Cox vehicle Cougar Town, which found its way to TBS after getting the network axe. And although that might be a bummer for many Americans who don’t have cable, it does offer a glimmer of hope for a show that met its end too soon. Ideally, Happy Endings would run a couple more seasons, long enough for syndication, so that years from now, when we’ve watched the entire series of Friends in reruns for the 38th time in a row, we can settle in at night and be lulled to sleep by an old adventure of Penny, Max and the gang. Wouldn’t that be nice? If not, someone please start a Kickstarter for a Happy Endings movie or something. That’s one I’d actually back. 

Linkage: Don Johnson’s Moderately Sized Johnson, ‘Fifty Shades’ of Krysten Ritter

It’s news to most of us who were born in the early ’80s and don’t remember much about Don Johnson, but apparently he’s always been rumored to have a large penis. “Johnson,” you see. But now that people are talking about him again (he’s another nearly forgotten actor who owes Quentin Tarantino an Edible Arrangement or, perhaps, an Ace of Cakes creation in the shape of a foot), Johnson has taken the time to debunk the rumor. “Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me.” And now we know! [VH1 Celebrity]

A new season of Cougar Town premieres on TBS next Tuesday, and the cast and crew couldn’t be more thrilled that the network, unlike others (*cough*ABC*cough*) are actually promoting it. But they all still think the name is stupid. Says co-creator Bill Lawrence, “Being filled with self-loathing is a characteristic of 90 percent of comedy writers anyway… It’s an amazing title. I’d do it again.” [Hollywood Reporter]

TV’s baddest B might find the tables turned on the big screen. Apt. 23’s Krysten Ritter tweeted that she’d be “down” to play the role of Anastasia Steele in a movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. Winky-face! [EW]

A&E proves that there’s some sort of liberal media bias. The network has picked up The Governor’s Wife, a 12-episode reality series about former Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards and his wife, Trina, who is 50 years his junior. I’m ashamed to report this dude is a Democrat. [Deadline]

Meanwhile, Joe Biden could easily star in his own television program. [Hypervocal]

BREAKING NEWS: 68-year-old Star Wars enthusiast engaged to really hot lady. [People]

As it turns out, the newspaper featured in Back to the Future and its sequel—the Hill Valley Telegraph—was a pretty shitty publication. [Vulture]

If you’re planning to get bombed on your next transatlantic flight, do your best not to fly Icelandair. Duct tape residue is hard to remove. [Gawker]

I didn’t bother to figure out what the hell “Downton braves its own fiscal cliff” is supposed to mean, but knock yourselves out. [WaPo]

“Let’s never forget: we’re the story, not them,” says Albert Brooks’s character in Broadcast News. With that in mind, here’s what the apartment shared by a couple of New York-based reporters looks like. (What’s that? You’re not a member of the New York media? Well, that’s your problem.) [HuffPo]

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter

Our Cougar Wish List

In case you haven’t noticed, September has been the month of the cougar here at BlackBook (evidence can be found here, here and here). Tonight, ABC will bring cougardom into the ultimate spotlight when Cougar Town starring Courtney Cox makes its premiere. All day long the net has been going gonzo by giving you list after list of their favorite cougars, names we’ve seen all too often like Madonna, Demi Moore, and Ivana Trump. But what about women who have the potential to be cougars, but haven’t yet found that wildcat within? Here are fave notable ladies who we wish would wake up and smell the fresh meat.

Lisa Rinna, age 46: You can’t have a cougar list without including a quintessential cougar. That’s why Mrs. Rinna makes the list, because even though she’s been married to the same man for a decade, she is everything a cougar should be. A frequent guest on the Howard Stern Show, she often describes her and her hubby’s sexual exploits, she posed for Playboy at the ripe young age of 45, and she made a memorable hot tub cameo on Entourage, as an older woman who drops Drama for his portly but younger friend Turtle. Most recently she’s said she would love to reprise her role as Taylor McBride on the new incarnation of Melrose Place. So even if she’s not a real-life cougar, she can at least play one on TV. Status: Married

Shohreh Aghdashloo, age 57: Despite wheezing her way through her acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress in a TV Movie/Miniseries at last Sunday’s Emmys, this native of Iran is everything we want in an older woman. Talented (she’s been nominated for an Academy Award), bold (she left her homeland and a successful acting career behind during the 1979 revolution), and loyal (despite Iran’s policies, she’s produced and narrated several documentaries on its culture). But be weary and hang on to your classified government information–Mahmoud could be a text message away. Status: Married

image

Connie Britton, age 39: For fans of Friday Night Lights (and if you aren’t one, then go suck a lemon), I don’t need to make my case. You’ve seen Mrs. Britton’s brilliant portrayal of Tami Taylor, the constant behind her football coach husband Eric. We await the storyline where on of the football players falls for coach’s wife and her undeniable MILF magic, because for a show that prides itself on realism, it would be impossible for that not happen. For those who’ve returned from their lemon-sucking, Mrs. Britton also played Jack Bauer’s live-in love at the onset of 24 Season 5, and if she’s good enough for Jack Bauer, she’s sure as hell good enough for you. Status: Divorced (!!!)

image

Catherine Keener, age 40: Your award show ticket. Bag this cougar and rage your face off at next year’s Vanity Fair Oscar party (what’s Blake Lively doing here?). Keener is not only one of the finest actresses of her wonderful age group, but we’d say of her generation (X). She’s been Oscar-nominated for supporting roles as a poisonous temptress in Being John Malkovich and the author Harper Lee in Capote, and she memorably de-virginized a man-child Steve Carrell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Keener is that rare and irresistible combination of brains and sex, and you can see her next a month in Where the Wild Things Are. Oh, and added bonus: Apparently Keener recently forced a couple who had made a charity bid to appear backstage at the Charlie Rose show during one of her appearances because she wanted no visitors in the green room before, during or after. Meow! Status: Divorced.

image

Brigitte Bardot, age 75: Call us sick if you want, but if you get a chance with who we think is the most beautiful woman to walk the planet in the last century, then you take it. She popularized the bikini. Bob Dylan dedicated the first song he ever wrote to her. John Lennon was so nervous before meeting her, that he had to drop acid. So what if she’s nearing 80 years old and has been accused of anti-gay sentiments and “inciting racial hatred” in regards to her views towards Muslims in France–you don’t say no to Brigitte Bardot. Status: Single.

image

Los Angeles: Top 10 Places to Get Devoured by a Cougar

Stone Rose Lounge (West Hollywood) – The East Coast version of this star-lit bar is NY’s reigning cougar palace. This is similar, except the furniture—and the cougars—are a burnt orange. ● The Ivy (Beverly Hills) – Studio bigwigs are more than thrilled to let their bored wives run wild on the company expense account, which means lunch (and dessert) at this Hollywood clubhouse is just a “How you doin’” away. ● Ecco Ultra Lounge (Hollywood) – The only thing that trumps a regular cougar is one that drives a Prius. Savor the ride home from this eco-friendly supper club, because it’s about to get dirty.

Downtown Standard (Downtown) – No one really knows why owner Andre Balazs named his crack den for design junkies The Standard, but we’re pretty sure it’s because every time you hit the rooftop bar, a hungry urban wildcat is waiting to take you into her mod-tastic room for a swift disemboweling. It’s the standard here. ● Sidebar (Beverly Hills) – If you’re wondering what business a slobbering cougar would have in classy establishment such as this, well, none. The cougars here have funds and they’re willing to spend them. Congratulations, you just discovered how to support yourself between auditions. ● Whiskey A Go Go (West Hollywood) – Because cougars are a lot more vicious when they’ve been Motley Cru-ed, Poison-ed, and Bon Jovi-ed. ● Chateau Marmont (West Hollywood) – When Cameron Diaz appeared on SNL as a cougar in early 2009, a new queen was crowned, and this is her court. ● Hal’s Bar & Grill (Venice Beach) – An L.A.-based photographer tells us this where cougars “specifically seek black guys with money.” You know who you are, fellas. ● Mr. Chow (Beverly Hills) – This legendary Asian restaurant, big with Hollywood types and hip-hop royalty, should be renamed Mrs. Chow, if you buy what we’re selling. ● The Dresden Room (Los Feliz) – This hepcat haven (immortalized in the movie Swingers) puts out a distinctly retro vibe. The cougars here just put out. ● Good Luck Bar (Los Feliz) – We appreciate the superstitious name, guys, but the question is: who needs luck when you serve vodka sodas to vaguely single women in their late thirties and early forties? Anyone know the number to a taxi?

New York: Top 10 Places to Get Devoured by a Cougar

Growing up, my friends had very traditional pets: dogs, cats, Tamagotchis. My family, being the eccentrics that they are (re: immigrants) made sure that my brother and I had something a little more fierce to play with. Our pet cougar loved us for ten passionate years before his unfortunate death at the hands of a demented hunter. My mother, saint that she is, told her distraught sons that our dead cougar was going to “cougar heaven,” a place where “cougars roamed free and never went hungry.” Little did I know she was talking about New York City.

Stone Rose Lounge (Midtown West) – NY’s reigning cougar sanctuary, where newbie Time Warner suits come to get served. Owner’s wife is Cougar Ultima Cindy Crawford. And the fact that I just referred to Cindy Crawford as a cougar makes me feel pruney. ● Nikki Beach A cougar oasis, if you will. No small coincidence that the first cougar I tamed was also named Nikki Beach (she was an amateur porn star). This is where you go to get your tiki torched. ● Geisha (Upper East Side) – Gogougar describes a geisha as a “subservient breed of cougar, and, as a result, a species that doesn’t totally subscribe to the whole Cougar ethic. She’s more interested in pleasing you, than she is in pleasing herself.” We describe it as a posh Japanese restaurant on the Upper East Side in which to get picked up by cougars. ● Bemelmans (Upper East Side) – The great thing about this Carlyle hideaway is that only the rich drink here. The great thing about cougars is that money is irrelevant to them. The great thing about divorces is that they breed cougars. You do the math. ● Cabanas at the Maritime (Meatpacking District) – Cougars love meat and they travel in packs, so the fact that you’ll find them in the Meatpacking District is self-explanatory. And the fact that this island-themed bar resides in a hotel is just lucky. ● 123 Burger Shot Beer (Midtown West) – The opposite of fancy, and that includes the women. Anyone who’s been here knows this place should be renamed 1234 Burger Shot Beer Cougar. ● STK (Meatpacking District) – From Yelp: “The bartenders were nice, and as I was facing them while stuffing my face, we were able to exchange knowing looks when the cougar beside me would lift her breasts and heave them onto the bar while the light reflected on her almost-plastic brown skin as she ordered a dirty, dirty martini.” So yeah. ● Plunge (Meatpacking District) – In the penthouse of the Hotel Gansevoort, Plunge has been code-named “Cougar Central” by, well, me. It’s not very creative, I know, but in terms of accuracy, it can’t be beat. Helpful hint: The pool is off-limits unless you or your cougar are guests. ● Rodeo Bar (Kips Bay) – Question: What is the only thing more cougar than Texas? Answer: A vaguely Texas-themed bar in New York. ● Schiller’s (Lower East Side) – A cougar’s weakness is your strength — it’s called cheap red wine, and this place bleeds it.

See also: Miami cougar dens.
Washington State Cougars Tickets Maples Pavilion Tickets Stanford Tickets

Courteney Cox Gets Dirty for ‘Cougar Town’

imageOn Dirt, Courteney Cox’s turn as a ruthless tabloid editrix was always a bit empty in its delivery — no matter how much high-profile girl-on-girl lip-lock she did in the line of duty. So although FX execs saw fit to bury the drama after two seasons (just another casualty of that TV writers’ strike that most people would be hard-pressed to recall), it seems Cox is drawing on the strength of her character Lucy Spiller’s trademark sleaze for her next role.

Taking a cue from television’s classiest cougars like Eva Longoria, Madchen Amick, and Julie Bowen, Cox is traveling to Cougar Town, a single-camera comedy helmed by Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence — who she met only recently. Lawrence aims to dismantle the misconceptions cast on our beloved cradle-robbers: “Forty-year-old women on TV are so beautiful and perfect and wrinkle-free. People don’t do the reality of it, and there is a real comedy area about a woman who is talking about Botox, about having sex with the lights on and how her body is changing.” So with this role falling somewhere in between generic New York Friend and filthy tabloid boss, Cox appears poised for success.