It’s Getting Too Expensive To Get Drunk For Cheap

The bodega around the corner jacked the price of my usual Coors Light 24 oz. tallboy up from $1.85 to $1.99. Not cool, Thrifty Mart or whatever-the-fuck-you’re-called. 

Here’s the thing: I need those 15 cents so that I can get pretzels from the vending machine at work. At first I thought I could just slum even further to save money, (i.e. start drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon) but it turns out this brewer is fleecing the hipster demographic: even that shit is now a full $2.49! And it does not taste any better than it did in college. (Just kidding, I drank Milwaukee’s Best in college, just to give you a sense of my poor standards.)

Weirdly enough, the regular Coors tallboy has stayed at the $1.85 price level. It’s like I’m supposed to pay extra to not get as fat as fast. What about something “imported” from Mexico? NO, I WILL NOT GO ABOVE $3. DO NOT INSULT ME, TECATE. Consider the 40 oz. bottles, because we’re getting antsy here. Yes, go with what the bums drink—I love malt liquor that gets all warm while you’re powering your way through it, or goes flat when you put the remainder in the fridge. Don’t even talk to me about the current Four Faux Loko recipe.

I’m going down the street to buy a bottle of Alexis vodka for $9.99. It won’t last, but it feels like a bargain. Especially when you lose sensation in your legs.