Remember a few years ago when everyone discovered how delicious bacon is? Yeah, well, people are still obsessed with bacon to a stupid and annoying extent, and to prove how *~*cRaZy*~* people are about bacon, J&D’s Foods have rolled out (ew) bacon-flavored condoms. "Make your meat look like meat," the package says. I can’t think of a worse way to promote safe sex. I mean, novelty condoms have existed for years, but I don’t think I’d ever be turned on by the sight of a penis resembling bacon-wrapped dates. And I like my sexytimes to smell and taste like sex and my food to smell and taste like food. Let’s not get carried away here and mix those two up. A little whipped cream is understandable, but we’re really crossing a line here.
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Surprise! Amid all the election returns, you may have missed this stunning result: Los Angeles just made condoms mandatory for the city’s (unfathomably large) adult film industry. Onward, you safe-sexing stallions; no longer will viewers be forced to imagine the transmission of STDs in every scene of explicit penetration. That’s if anyone is still watching.
Local porn stars had protested Measure B, intended to prevent the spread of HIV, by saying their own rigorous tests and screening were enough, and that condoms would ruin their product, resulting in a huge financial loss for the city. Voters, however, were unconvinced:
Nearly 56 percent of LA County voters voted in favor of Measure B, which requires all porn actors to wear a condom and producers to get a permit to shoot raunchy scenes, according to the LA County Registrar’s Office.
The permit fee would pay for inspectors to randomly check porn shoots to ensure all the actors are using protection while working.
I think America just invented a new saddest job: porn set condom-checker. Pretty soon we’re going to need a movie about that guy. Let’s shoot for a regular ‘R’ rating, though—getting that raunch permit is a pain in the ass.
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Today, the day after the 2010 Winter Olympics, is a day for reflection on what went wrong and what went right at the games in Vancouver. We could talk about landing triple axels, speedskating disqualifications, or opening ceremony choreography, but the most important thing to take from the Olympics seems to be this: when you get a bunch of young, highly pressurized, socially-starved misfits in peak physical condition together and then suddenly release that pressure (after their events), there’s a whole lot sex going on. No really, there is a lot of bangin’. The Today Show estimated that there were 14 condoms each for the 7,000 athletes, but that wasn’t enough.The Olympic Village ran out of condoms and had to import them from other parts of Canada. Now, as it prepares to host the World Cup later this year, South Africa is taking a lesson from the events in Vancouver and making sure there are plenty of rubbers on hand.
Condom supplies for the World Cup will now be doubled. “There’s going to be a spirit of festivity and there could be a more than usual demand for measures such as condoms. So there are measures in place to ensure that the condom supply is going to be ramped up during this tournament,” says Victor Ramathesele, general medical officer for South Africa 2010. We can only hope London will also take note for the 2012 Olympics.
Condoms suck. There’s no two ways about it. No amount of sexy commercial-making is going to convince anyone that stopping the course of nature to apply a layer of sensation-dulling rubber between you and your partner’s feel-good parts will improve anything in the immediate future but your chances of chafing. But you use them anyway, because you are responsible and want to finish college and not get AIDS and blah blah blah. Well, the Museum of Sex is putting condom gripes in perspective with its new exhibit, “Rubbers: The Life, History & Struggle of the Condom.” At least you don’t have to use a goddamn sheep’s bladder!
As poetically described in The New York Times, this exhibit shows the jimmy hat in all its permutations throughout history. The desire to knock boots repercussion-free is as old as the human race, with the earliest attempts at prophylactics constructed from “animal membranes, sheaths and salve-coated cloths.” Mmm, salve. There’s also a wall display of different names people used for the device through the ages, excellent words like “copper hat,” “frogskin,” and “English frock coat.” Try busting out one of those next time you’re getting freaky. “Darling, shall we employ an English frock coat this evening?” Roleplaying! There’s even a collection of “sophomoric humor” like old etchings of Casanova inflating condoms so as to amuse his lovers, proving sophomoric humor predates our current obsession with “bros” by hundreds of years.
But the history of the condom is not all fun and frolic. The exhibit also shows the darker side of condom history, like the syphilis-corroded faces of those who failed to employ one, and Julius Fromm, the Jewish businessman who, if he hadn’t lost his factory to the Nazis, might have become as synonymous with condoms as Kleenex is with tissues. This is sad for a number of reasons, including the fact that “Fromm” is easier to say than “condom”, and when you’re having an awkward discussion, every syllable counts.
The exhibit is unsurprisingly sponsored by Trojan and will run extended (heh) hours through Valentine’s weekend, leaving plenty of time to go get you some of that.
As children and other sexually transmitted maladies continue to threaten this horny planet’s health, the message of safe sex is more important than ever. What’s the best way for condom manufacturers to drive this message home? How about making the populace so creeped out they’ll never want to have sex again? This Chinese Durex ad, which features audio of women orgasming in ranges from “little girl” to “little girl crying” to “little girl furry pretending to be a lamb,” does the trick. (It gets extra points for the “American style” orgasm, which confirms my suspicion that people who know nothing of America but our Internet porn are under the impression we all fuck like Sasha Grey. Immigrants are in for a rude awakening.) Here are six more accidentally abstinence promoting condom ads.
Durex XXL: Is your partner’s vagina too small? Does it need stretching out? Try cramming something leg-sized up in there! (Warning: may push out guts through eyes.)
Durex Ribbed Condoms: There’s may be a small minority of the population that gets off on visualizing his/her partners’ penises as filthy, meant for walking on and/or made of concrete, but I’m pretty sure they’re a small minority.
Playsafe Condoms, “fits any head”: Hells no! This is the stuff of nightmares, not sex. These condoms are so stretchy they can provide erotic asphyxiation for both small-headed indie girls and the big-headed grinning madmen who abduct them. Asphyxiation for all!
Durex Peforma: Does sex feel too good? Is your girlfriend too hot? Durex performa contains a mild anesthetic which, when used in conjunction with fug pillowcases and picturing your mother, will guarantee your dick never even thinks about getting hard again. What will you do with all the time you save?
T-latex terrorsperm condoms: This German ad capitalizes on the existential baggage many people still carry from World War II. Don’t let that mustachioed freak into your Rhine valley! He’s only going to annex it and use it as a base from which to conquer more territory, commit genocide and ruin your figure for life. Or maybe Osama Bin Laden is plotting to launch a terrorist attack from your uterus, at which point the U.S. army will invade your body with much collateral damage and never leave. Are you turned on yet?
Fruit and Colour Condoms: Don’t you wish you were as horrified and Hungarian as him? These fruit-flavored condoms are so realistic, your partner might just get confused and bite a bloody, strawberry-scented chunk out of your love-wand. Will she? Won’t she? It’s sexxy suspense to the max.