All My Problems Would Be Solved If I Could Afford Cocaine

Gosh, it must occur to me at least eight times a day that a fifty bag of cocaine would be just what I need to sort everything out. It’d give me a bit of pep, wouldn’t you say? A little cocaine and then it’d all fall into place, I’d get it all done—I could even make it fun! A game. A cocaine game.

Yep, that’s it: cocaine. Only a fifty bag, and I wouldn’t need any more. If I did need more, I’d be on cocaine and therefore able to come up with a good plan for how to get more, see? It’s like Flowers for Algernon, you know? I keep getting smarter, and smarter, and at the end, finally, I am really fucking smart. BOOYAH.

So whattaya say, know where to get some cocaine? Want to go halves on a fifty bag with me? I’ll do it all and then I’ll know how to get some more, and then I’ll share that cocaine with you, cool? Yes! Team Cocaine! Thank god, I think it might help this cocaine hangover.

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Rod Stewart Used To Do Cocaine Via Suppositories

How to do your cocaine is number one problem for celebrities. In his new memoir, Rod: The Autobiography, Rod Stewart explains that he and his bandmates used to tdo their coke by putting it suppositories, which then went up their butts.

They came up with this brilliant idea because Ronnie Wood burned a hole in his septum through profligate use of nose candy, Perez Hilton explains. Writes Rod:

"So we found another method of taking the drug. We put them in a little pill like the French do them, a suppository. We did that for a little while."

Ummm, putting coke in your anus is kind of liking shooting heroin between your toes. But don’t worry! They weren’t addicts or anything! Rod Stewart assures us he was never "in rehab" and it never "affected his family or relationships." I’m not sure if I believe that one.

In any case, add this to the list of things we don’t need to know about celebs’ butts, including who has had colonics and anything having to do with Richard Gere and gerbils. 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Prince Harry Might Have Been Using Cocaine in Las Vegas

There’s been rumblings across the ‘net that Prince Harry’s nudie escapades in Vegas last week involved something "gigantic" and "embarrassing" and "probably not even that big of a deal, you guys, who caaaaares." As it turns out, Prince Harry was probably coked to all kinds of hell right before stripping down in front of someone with a camera phone. 

The news comes from Radar:

"Things got pretty crazy in Prince Harry’s suite that night. Everyone was drinking and drugs were also being used by some people," the eyewitness who was present at Harry’s party exclusively revealed to RadarOnline.com.

"Some people were snorting cocaine,” the eyewitness told RadarOnline.com exclusively. The eyewitness asked to remain anonymous due to the magnitude of the scandal.

The new information comes two days after a report in a Las Vegas paper said that the nude photos of the Party Prince’s wild weekend were merely the beginning of the scandal and that “something gigantic” had not yet been revealed.

The source at the party saw cocaine being used and also told Radar exclusively that a number of the guests were on drugs when they arrived at his suite.

“Some were already rolling on shrooms (hallucinogenic mushrooms) when they arrived at the party, and some were just high on weed. And that’s exactly why no one there has come forward on the record…they don’t want to be implicated for any illegal activities," the source revealed to Radar.

The source did not see Prince Harry use cocaine or any other illegal drugs but also was not with the Prince during the entire party.

What’s that? Someone who is rich was in Las Vegas and around people who were using drugs? What a shocker. I mean, we can even give Prince Harry the benefit of the doubt; I’ve been around people who were using cocaine, but I have never used the stuff myself. (I can be an asshole at a party without it, thank you very much.) Of course, Prince Harry comes from a long line of people who are kind of the worst. Considering that most people think of the royal family as either a bunch of boring old white people or a bunch of ugly old white people who murdered a lot of people including their own wives, I think Prince Harry’s possible affinity for blow is kinda disappointing. 

Sorry, Vegans: Cocaine’s Not For You

I’ll go ahead and say this now: I eat meat and I don’t do cocaine. It’s a lifestyle choice that has served me well for the last 28+ years. My general reaction to anyone who either tries to convince me to do cocaine or eschew all animal byproducts is a very visible annoyance. (What is it, by the way, with vegans and cocaine users whose favorite pastimes seem to be telling you that they are vegan and/or do cocaine? Discuss.) But, as it turns out, cocaine is not very vegan-friendly.

Per my friend Leah, who sent me this today:

cocaine lactose

Alas! Lactose strikes again! At least I have an even more insufferable excuse for when I turn up my nose (pun intended) to any offers of booger sugar: “Sorry! Nope! I’m lactose intolerant! Can’t do it!” (I will probably say that as I shove five to six mozzarella sticks in my mouth, as I’m typically being offered cocaine in my local T.G.I. Friday’s.) Between the terrible, revolting lactose and the cocaine hunch, which is really the most unflattering thing about doing cocaine, I now how have a lot of material to work with when shaming my drug-using friends at parties, because there’s nothing more fun than meeting that generally assholish behavior shot-for-shot.

Charlie Sheen Issues Bizarre Response to New Drug Rumors

Is Charlie Sheen back on cocaine? Did his ex-wife Brooke Mueller also relapse recently while visiting Charlie, triggering her umpteenth visit to rehab, as reported this week by TMZ? Well, we’re still not quite sure (but probably yes, because duh).

You see, Sheen did release a statement to TMZ today addressing reports that both he and Mueller had recently started using cocaine again. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t make much sense.

Here’s Sheen’s statement:

I can’t speak to anyone’s opinion or judgement.
I was there
they were not.
their tepid
hearsay is a baseless
static drone.
a mantra.
their theme.
I refuse to be held hostage by their ‘constitutional’
privelidge,
to judge those
who can and who do.

nabobs.
CS

Yeah, I’m not quite sure what he’s saying, either. Luckily for us, though, TMZ offers this translation:

Charlie is neither confirming nor denying if he or Brooke is using drugs. He is blasting reports as hearsay … saying the people writing them are passing judgment on people they know nothing about — people who are winning. 

Too bad that still doesn’t tell us anything about a possible relapse (but again, probably, because duh–it’s Charlie Sheen).

Unhealthy Foods Are the New Cocaine

Scientists and obese lab rats have found that high-fat, high-calorie foods effect the brain in a similar way to cocaine and heroin. A new study shows that both hard drugs and junk food overload the brain’s pleasure center and cause it to crash, necessitating a bigger hit of junk food/coke/heroin to get the same pleasure…and, well, we’ve all been there before.

The study suggests that overeating isn’t just a matter of willpower but more akin to addiction. The lab rats were divided into three groups; one group was fed regular rat food, the second was allowed to consume human junk food for an hour each day, and the third was allowed unlimited access to the junk food. Researchers found that the third group ate compulsively. When they applied a painful electrical shock to the rats while eating, those in the first and second group stopped, but the rats in the third group kept on chowing down. Rats given unlimited access to cocaine and heroin have exhibited similar behaviors and similar changes in their brains pleasure centers.

Scientists also note that our food is now made in a manner similar to cocaine. Just as snorting cocaine has been refined and purified from the centuries-old practic of chewing on coca leaves, making it more addictive, so has food. Rather than eating whole grains and corn, as our ancestors did, we now go straight to the vein with Wonder Bread and corn syrup.

And, as a whole, these studies further suggest that Jamie Oliver will be the new Dr. Drew.

Investigating Why Kids Do Coke

The number of rascally teens, 18 and under, seeking cocaine addiction treatment in the UK has increased by 65% in the last five years according to Britain’s National Health Service. 18 to 24-year-olds are in on the game too–their numbers have doubled. There are only a few plausible explanations for this rise in youth drug use/rehabilitation. Please see the Venn Diagram after the jump.

image

Where the Party at? NASA!

In a “shocking” discovery, a bag containing cocaine was found outside a bathroom in the hangar of space shuttle Discovery earlier this week. Bob Cabana, former astronaut and director of the Kennedy Space Center, commented, “this is a rare and isolated incident, and I’m disappointed that it happened.” I read you loud and clear Bob… someone is upset the party got crashed! Stop trying to cover your freaky selves up, NASA!

We all know you’re a bunch of hard partying, tranquilizer using, diaper wearing felons. Own it! Everyone had that roommate in college who dropped acid nightly and went on to work at the Large Hadron Collider. We all know that Buzz Aldrin boozed it up on the moon back in 1969. No one is surprised that people who like to physically blast off into the stratosphere also like to metaphorically blast off into the stratosphere.

Allard Beutul, NASA spokesman, summed up the whole debacle well, saying (while, I’m sure, slyly winking) “people know how serious this is and how serious people take it.” Right on, Allard, right on. NASA has tested the around 200 personnel with access to the area as a result, and so far (just so far though, duh) there is no indication anyone was under the influence. The agency claims that the incident will not affect the launch of Discovery, scheduled to happen in March. But with their regular supply of nose candy probably cut off, we have our doubts…

Cocaine’s Best Roles

Last night on the season premiere of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain did more than just sample the ceviche, though that happened too, when he visited Panama. On a lark, he got to burn six tons of pure, uncut cocaine (wholesale value $300-600 million) with the Panamanian Directory of National Security. “I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve cooked cocaine, but that’s not exactly true,” Bourdain said, a bit wistfully. Before the show aired last night, the cocaine-burning clip had already garnered a decent amount of buzz. It got us thinking about some of the white stuff’s most memorable roles on the big screen. After the jump, our list of some of the best cocaine moments in the movies.

1. Scarface – All I Have Left is This Huge Pile of Blow image Cocaine’s quintessential big screen moment. Having killed his only true friend, Tony Montana (Al Pacino) sits alone in his office and dives into a snowy mountain on his desk.

2. Blow – I Can’t Feel My Face Upon sampling George Jung’s (Johnny Depp) superior Colombian product, Mr. T (Bobcat Goldthwait) exclaims “Where did you get this stuff?! I can’t feel my face, I mean I can touch it but I can’t feel it inside,” later inspiring Lil Wayne and Juelz Santana.

3. Cruel Intentions – Cocaine Jesus image In one of many fine Sarah Michelle Gellar moments, she’s queried by Bunny Caldwell (Selma Blair’s innocent’s mother) as to where she gets her strength. She answers by pulling her cross-necklace-cum-coke-keeper out from between her bosoms and saying “Well, I know this sounds corny, but whenever I feel the temptation of peer pressure, I turn to God and he helps me through the problem.”

4. Pulp Fiction – Whoops, that’s not cocaine. Actually, it’s a heroin scene, but close enough. Mistaking heroine for cocaine, Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman), has a cut and sniff and promptly overdoses, requiring Vincent Vega (John Travolta) to take adrenaline shots into his own hands to save her. We’d call it one of the film’s classic scenes, but really, they’re all pretty classic.

5. American Psycho – Quality Control image Evil yuppies Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) and Timothy Bryce (Justin Theroux) hit the club and deign to put some not-perfectly-pure coke up their perfectly groomed noses. Not impressed with the product, Timothy exclaimed “I want to get high off this, not sprinkle it on my fucking Oaties.”