As Certain As Death & Taxes: These Top 10 NYC Guarantees

Benjamin Franklin once said, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes,” and while I do quite admire the man (where would we be without bifocals?) – he’s wrong. In NYC, there are many other things we can be 100 percent certain of. I’ve gathered a list of this city’s top 10 occurrences that are bound to happen. And if they don’t happen, then you know the world is ending and you don’t need to buy a new laptop and summer clothes.

The Top 10 NYC Guarantees

1.    During a torrential downpour, you will wait for a cab for 15 minutes on a street corner, and the first cab driver you hail down will tell you he’s miraculously “not going” where you are.

2.    On a weekday evening, you will somehow find yourself in Times Square, and will be suddenly struck with intense feelings of despair about your life and disgust for plaid, knee-high, “tourist” socks.

3.     On every day of the week, there will be a line of pancake-craving, agitated NYers furiously texting, awaiting tables at Clinton St. Baking Company.

4.     You will wear all black.

5.     When you really need to get to where you’re going, when it’s really important that you make it on time, you will be on the subway that’s “delayed because of train traffic ahead of us.”

6.     When you’ve spent weekends inside watching movies on Netflix, you will vow to become “more cultured,” buy a ticket to a Broadway musical that’s based on a movie or band, think it’s awful, and go home and watch Netflix.

7.     You will end up sitting next to and talking to someone who is incredibly influential and successful, exchange emails, think your life has changed forever, and never hear back from them again.

8.     You will trip and fall in your heels on the cobblestone Meatpacking streets outside 1 Oak and Le Bain, and panic that people think you’re from New Jersey.

9.     For three months starting June 1st, the city will smell like hot piss.

10.   On a sunny Saturday while strolling Chelsea Piers, you will have a moment of blissful clarity and gratitude that you live here – until a guy/tranny on a bike  runs into you and yells “watch out, asshole.”

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The 12 Things You Must Do In NYC On 12/12/12

Whether you think today is magically auspicious or a reminder that the clock’s quickly-a-tickin’ to Dec. 21st doomsday, the greatest takeaway is this: we must seize the day. So get out there and make today your best. Make it amazing. It just might be your last…

1. Breakfast at Clinton St. Baking Company: since it’s a weekday, the line is shorter than ever, bringing you that much closer to ordering their signature blueberry pancakes and sugar-cured bacon, and being lifted to the celestial heaven that is fluffy pancakes.

2. Put on a sweater and puffy jacket, rent a bike from the Waterfront Bike Shop, and ride across the Brooklyn Bridge and into DUMBO’s Brooklyn Bridge Park. There is no better view of this sparkling gem of a city than on that 129-year-old bridge and from that grassy park.

3. Sweeten the day with the city’s best cupcakes at Sweet Revenge. Today’s specialty offering is the eggnog cupcake with spiced cream cheese frosting, though the major must-get is their signature namesake treat: the Sweet Revenge with peanut butter cake, ganache center, and peanut butter fudge frosting.

4. Drink the day away at Chelsea Brewing Company and frolic drunkenly along the Hudson River. End your tipsy journey with mouthfuls of the giant peanut butter and blackberry jam doughnut and carrot cake doughnut at Chelsea’s Doughnut Plant.

5. Visit West Garden Spa for an “afternoon delight” if ya know what I mean, guys.

6. Rent that helicopter and soar across NYC like a bird. A 15-minute ride above the Statue of Liberty is just $169, which is what you’d pay anyway for dinner-and-drinks-for-two at West Village haven of deliciousness: Perilla.

7. Go ice skating in the heart of Central Park at Wollman Skating Rink, and wrap your hands around a steaming, frothy cup of hot chocolate from nearby  Jacques Torres at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

8. Have a tea party with all of your best friends at English cottage-inspired Tea & Sympathy, and go nuts over their scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam, kettles of vanilla mint tea, welsh rarebit, and chicken pot pie.

9. Watch the city melt into dark at sunset from the Top of the Rock observation deck.

10. When 5pm hits, head straight to cocktail favorite Mother’s Ruin for their spicy Brazilian coconut cocktail and devour their bready, cheesy, greasy, beautiful grilled cheese.

11. Finally talk to that adorable person you always see on the subway. Flirt, ask them out, make a move.

12. Because no one wants to go back to their apartment (and roommate), end the night in luxury at the Bowery Hotel

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