Colonel Sanders Wants You to Know That KFC Loves Gays

Fear not chicken lovers: the latest Funny or Die Chick-Fil-A parody sends a message of goodwill to cheap, unhealthy, fastfood-deprived gays, complete with a cheesy harmonica soundtrack and a chicken-slinging John Goodman. “It don’t take a boney-fide Einstein genius to know that I’m an oldy-fashioned sort. But when it comes to the subjuct-ification of marriage rights, I reckon I’m a bit more progressive than my pals down at Chick-Fil-A,” says Sanders.

“Yup, let it be known that Colonel Sanders LOVES the gays. Hell, I might even be gay!”

The Colonel goes on to effuse his undying love for his favorite Bette Midler album, Thighs and Whispers.

To really provide a convincing argument, he promises that he’s not just pandering to get more “gay business.” “Hell, I don’t actually give a shit. Gay or not, you’re all just a bunch of big ol’ money mouths walking around, talking and eating.”

Now that’s more like it: no more beating around the cockamamie bush! Best of all, they’re open on Sundays… and who can beat the portability of a handy, indestructible, grease-shielding bowl?

I’ll always choose you, KFC, for all my midnight hormone-laden chicken cravings from now on, promise. 

Berenstain Bears Book Replaces Jim Henson Toys at Chick-Fil-A

After not admitting the real reason behind the Jim Henson Creature Shop Kids Meal Toys recall, gay-hating Chick-Fil-A has tapped the supposedly unaware Berenstain Bear fam for their latest Kid’s Meal prize. Ironically, the “toy” is a Berenstain Beared-up version of the Holy Bible, which teaches kids about the Golden Rule. (I guess they forgot about that othercommandment about lying. What heathens!)

If that wasn’t mind-bendingly paradoxical enough for you, then get this: on the Berenstain Bears website, the friendly foursome have posted this little tidbit to make sure no one gets their overalls in a twist:

Dear Friends,

Our publisher, HarperCollins, is marketing several of their Berenstain Bears titles through a kids’ meal promotion at Chick-Fil-A scheduled for August. This program was in development for over a year. We were unaware of any controversy involving Chick-Fil-A until July 25th.

The Berenstain family does not at this time have control over whether this program proceeds or not. We hope those concerned about this issue will direct their comments toward HarperCollins and Chick-Fil-A.

Sincerely, The Berenstain Family.

Translation: don’t go picketing and rioting outside our lovely treehouse in Bear Country, because WE HAD NOTHING TO DO with Chick-Fil-Cray! Now kindly leave us alone while we continue to scold our two bear children for eating too many teddy grahams, scratch our furry behinds and eat way too much honey for our own good. 

CNN Plays Pink’s ‘Stupid Girls’ Before Sarah Palin Chick-Fil-A Story

Oh, hai, CNN. What’s up? Just a friendly reminder that sexism is still sexism even if it is against a woman that we all hate. When you played Pink’s song Stupid Girls before a segement on CNN Sunday Morning about Sarah Palin visiting a Chick-fil-A to support their bigoted company? Yeah, not cool.

There are plenty ofsubstantive critiques to be made about Palin’s bigotry, pandering to the religious right, and yes, even her stupidity. But CNN’s use of the song wasn’t a substantive critique on anything specific other than just calling her a stupid girl — not even just stupid, but a stupid girl — for shopping at Chick-fil-A.

And the truly stupid thing about using that particular song is that Stupid Girls is actually very pro-feminist: the song is all about Pink refusing to dumb herself down to get male attention. CNN just used the refrain that goes "Stupid girls, stupid girls, stupid girls."

 

This isn’t the first time Palin has been treated in a sexist way. 30 Rock‘s Tracy Morgan called her "great masturbation material"; a creepy Arizona sheriff gifted her a pair of pink panties. And who could forget the time News Corps head honcho Roger Ailes said he hired her as a political commentator on Fox News because "she was hot and got ratings"? Likewise, Rep. Michele Bachmann made waves when she appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon and house band The Roots played the song Lyin’ Ass Bitch.

Obviously both have said some dumb things and both are awful human beings. But they’re not awful because they are women. The focus of criticism should not be on their gender. Sexism against any person, regardless of her or his political party wrong, even if they aren’t women’s rights supporters.

And more to the point? The last these these two (or their party) need are legitimate reasons to continue playing the victim. Shame on you, CNN.

Homophobic Chick-Fil-A Prez Dan Cathy: “Guilty as Charged”

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post here urging those who support marriage equality and the rights of all members of the LGBT community to stop eating at Chick-Fil-A, an organization that has for many years supported faith-based organizations that have made it their mission to restrict the rights of others, particulary those whose "lifestyles" do not allign with their biblical views. Well, the president and CEO of the company has responded to his fast-food chain’s critics, and you probably won’t be surprised that he, well, doesn’t really care what you think.

Today Baptist Press has a lengthy profile of Dan Cathy, who oversees the fried chicken restaurant chain. While there’s the usual amount of fluff (as with most profiles of successful businessmen), it’s particularly heavy on the awesomely awesome faith to which Cathy subscribes, complete with sentences like "They sell chicken and train employees to focus on values rooted in the Bible" and "Based on Matthew 5:41, Cathy is on a mission to provide customers with "second-mile" service — exceeding even the highest expectations of a typical fast-food restaurant." Yet, surprisingly, Cathy "claim to be a Christian business…" because "there is no such thing as a Christian business."

However—because of course I’m going to pull out a however—Cathy is pretty apparent how he feels about any sort of controversy regarding Chick-Fil-A’s stance on "traditional families":

Some have opposed the company’s support of the traditional family. "Well, guilty as charged," said Cathy when asked about the company’s position.

"We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.

"We operate as a family business … our restaurants are typically led by families; some are single. We want to do anything we possibly can to strengthen families. We are very much committed to that," Cathy emphasized.

"We intend to stay the course," he said. "We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles."

So, let’s break this down, shall we? Chick-Fil-A is not a Christian business, because there is no such thing as a Christian business. There is, on the other hand, such a thing as a "traditional family business," which obviously requires that the business be closed on Sundays and also give lots and lots of money to groups that hate gay people. Sure. Makes sense! And, in that sense, you can not be a gay person and run a Chick-Fil-A, because in the worldview of the other of Chick-Fil-A, you cannot possibly continue to strengthen the idea of "the traditional family." (You’re not married to your first wife, after all!)

So, again: full of shit! And I will not eat there! And Cathy is right: his business model is not popular with everyone, and that is why I can still urge that people who share my values do not support Chick-Fil-A. 

It’s Officially Time to Stop Eating at Chick-Fil-A

I’m lucky being a New Yorker because there are so many places to eat in this city. So many options! But you know where I can’t eat? Chick-Fil-A. Sure, there’s the NYU location, but it doesn’t really count as you have to have an NYU ID to get in. (New York’s hottest club? They serve waffle fries!) But, let’s be honest: I’m not missing out, because I hate Chick-Fil-A, and not just because I think pieces of chicken slathered in pickle juice is inherently revolting. I hate Chick-Fil-A because Chick-Fil-A hates me.

It’s not news that Chick-Fil-A is a company owned and operated by conservative Christians. I don’t see anything wrong with them closing on Sundays, even if that’s the go-to joke thrown the fast food chain’s way. You know what I do have a problem with? The fact that the company gives so much goddamn money to anti-gay groups. As Equality Matters reports today, the company donated nearly $2 million to groups that do their best to make sure gays and lesbians are discriminated against via it’s "charitable arm" WinShape:

WinShape Gave Over $1.9 Million To Anti-Gay Groups. In 2010, WinShape donated $1,974,380 to a number of anti-gay groups:

  • Marriage & Family Foundation: $1,188,380
  • Fellowship Of Christian Athletes: $480,000
  • National Christian Foundation: $247,500
  • New Mexico Christian Foundation: $54,000 
  • Exodus International: $1,000
  • Family Research Council: $1,000
  • Georgia Family Council: $2,500

Is this inexcusible? Eh, maybe: they’re a private corporation and they can do whatever with their money, just as I can choose not to give them any of my money. But you know what really irks me? The fact that I know people—people who think that everyone should be treated fairly, despite their sexuality—who are still going to Chick-Fil-A! Is a tasty chicken sandwich satiating enough to completely disregard one’s ethics and values? Are they totally cool with their dollars going toward a group like the Fellowship of Chrisian Athletes, which does not allow their "ministers" to participate in activities "including sex outside of marriage and homosexual acts"? How about Exodus International, which promotes therapy to cure homosexuality?

Let’s face it: despite what the company’s president says, Chick-Fil-A is an anti-gay corporation. And, on that note, I’m just going to have to assume that anyone who spends their money there are completely fine with the fact that an anti-gay corporation not only exists, but pushes money to other groups to continue the widespread practice of discriminating against everyone in the LGBT community. Sure, it’s easy for me to boycott Chick-Fil-A (because, you know, there aren’t any here, and because I’ve always thought the food was gross), but I’d like to see the effort from my friends and loved ones who live places where the chain has locations.

Chick-fil-A Officially Better Than Most Things in Life

The sole Chick-fil-A in Manhattan is housed in a college food court and, as anyone who’s ever lived in a town flush with flash-fried chicken products knows, is responsible for feeding millions. New York Chick-fil-Lovers are forced to go to great, sometimes creepy lengths to get their fix: That forty-something stockbroker guy in a suit ain’t passing for a college student, but he sure spends a lot of time loitering on campus. Does that mean he should change into his best Converse/Silly Bands-accessorized disguise before infiltrating the University Place outpost on lunch outings? All he wants is waffle fries! And a better-than-life chicken sandwich! Is that too much to ask? Hold on, Stockbroker guy…Chick-fil-A has answered your prayers.

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You can wear a ridiculous costume and be rewarded with a free meal. This Friday, July 9th, is Cow Appreciation Day, which means nothing in the grand scheme of things. But if you dress like a cow or accessorize with cow print and run to Chick-fil-A, you’ll be rewarded with free Chick-fil-A food. And, if you miraculously get nine of your friends to dress as a cow, post it on Facebook, and it’s awesome, you can win free Chick-fil-A for a year. The prospect of which is gross but awesome.