Whether you like it or not, a Casey Anthony movie is already in the works. Her blockbuster acquittal guaranteed it, and we’re looking at the Lifetime network as the likely culprit. The estrogen-wooing cable channel has already dramatized the murder sagas of Amanda Knox, Natalee Holloway, and most recently William and Kate, in which our dreams of bearing Prince William’s child were brutally murdered by the evil queen-to-be, Catherine. But onward to Ms. Anthony, who, in true TV movie fashion, must be portrayed by an actress whose career once burned bright, but has since dimmed under the weight of poor choices and audiences no longer giving a shit. So, who needs to call their agents like, now?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Not only has JLoHew’s career been DOA since The Ghost Whisperer, but look at her. She is Casey Anthony. It’s true, she doesn’t have the soul of Lucifer swimming in her retinas, but that’s why they call it acting.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: This former box-office draw is one failed TV show away from her very own Lifetime movie. Ringer, her upcoming CW thriller, may or may not be that show, although the trailer does make it look intriguing in the same way a tub of Ben & Jerry’s looks intriguing. I know what you did last summer, Sarah… you lost the role of Casey Anthony to your old costar!
Megan Fox: A Lifetime movie might be a little premature for this once sought-after actress, but she’s a Passion Play away from making one a grim reality. Plus, they have so much in common. One sacrificed the biggest role of her career so she would no longer have to be objectified on screen, and the other sacrificed her daughter to get drunk. So same thing.
Kristen Bell: With her movie career on the brink of fizzle—who knew When in Rome would do so much damage?—Bell has already ventured into TV movie terrain with the upcoming House of Lies. (Come to think of it, that’s not a bad title for the Casey Anthony movie.) We’d hate to see Bell go down this road—such a likeable presence she is—but her good friend and costar (Heroes, Scream 4) Hayden Panettiere, who played Amanda Knox for the network, could easily talk her into it.
Lindsay Lohan: If there is an actress more perfect for the role than this, we dare you to find her. What’s that? You can’t? See, told you. And is there an actress on the planet that would feel more at home in a courtroom setting than Lohan? If acting is the art of drawing on personal experience, then Lohan would hit a home run with this role. There’s just one reason this will never happen: Lindsay Lohan needs people to like her again, and playing the most hated woman in America is probably the opposite way of achieving that.
Kreayshawn: Fine, not an actress, but still: Identical.