Newscaster Compares Shooting to Breaking Bad: Great Moments in Twitter Idiocracy

The season finale of Breaking Bad is still fresh on everyone’s minds. If you look on Buzzfeed and Reddit, you’ll see that a zillion people on the InterWeb who have rehashed posts tied to the series that made Heisenberg a household name. Why? Because any mention of Breaking Bad is going to grab web attention; some for the benefit of good, and some for the benefit of bad. (Do we really need YET another fanboy post about 10 alternative endings to the series finale?) 

One person who used Breaking Bad for the benefit of bad was Philadelphia Fox anchor Joyce Evans. To generate viewership for her newscast, the TV presenter took to Twitter and compared a deadly mass shooting of six people to the blood bath finale of the AMC TV show. She noted that the shooter involved in the "real life" crime was “breakin’ bad. (A 23-year-old man was killed and six others were wounded.)  Her Twitter news tease read:

 

Tweet

Aaaaaaaah! Why is that sometimes I hate humanity!? Why don’t people think these things all the way through – before putting it out there into the world; especially if you’re a media figure hired to deliver real, "actual" news – and not fiction. Conversely, is our culture so immuned to violence that even a newscaster doesn’t know the difference? Naturally (and thank god) there was a large Twitter backlash to her inane statement (this was after anchorwoman Evans tried to backpeddle on her Tweet:

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Breaking Bad is a TV show. Hank and Walter are fictional characters. The guy who played Gus is already working on other acting roles. 

 

GREAT MOMENTS IN IDIOTIC NEWSCASTERS:

–A Hunstville, Alabama reporter was fired for writing on her blog: “I’ve gone bra-less during a live broadcast and no one was the wiser;” “I am better live when I have no script and no idea what I’m talking about;” “My best sources are the ones who secretly have a crush on me,” and “I’m frightened of old people and I refuse to do stories involving them or the places they reside."

-FOX News asked scholar/PHD,  Reza Aslan, why a Muslim would write a book on Jesus. She compared such a feat to a Democrat writing about Ronald Reagan. Oh Jesus! 

-A rookie news anchor from Bismarck, North Dakota was fired on his very first newscast for blurting out,"fucking shit" – a mere one second into his newscast. Give this man a raise! 

-Bay Area news anchor Tori Campbell was reporting on an Asiana Airlines flight. She falsely identified the pilots as, "Capt. Sum Ting Wong," "Wi Tu Lo," "Ho Lee Fuk." and "Bang Ding Ow." Where the hell are the fact checkers? 

12 Signs You’re Sharing Too Many BuzzFeed Lists

Look, I’m willing to let you people have your BuzzFeed, I don’t care. But can you do the people with brains a favor and stop reposting that stuff to Facebook as if you’re the first person to discover it? With those little comments like "too real" and "#6 is the best"? Here’s how you know you have a problem.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

1. You nod at everything on your computer screen.

2. You get confused when GIFs don’t have subtitles to indicate what’s going on.

3.  You have a favorite Pokémon, or something. I don’t know.

4. You’re definitely not getting any "likes." Like, none.

5. Jesus, do I really have to come up with seven more of these?

6. Okay, well there’s this, it’s from TV I think. Enjoy.

7. Did a quick Google search for "funniest GIF." This is the top result.

8. Another sign you’ve gone too far with this stuff: I have defriended you.

9. Or you click to share before you even finish the list.

10. You noticed that that last entry wasn’t a GIF. It didn’t really have anything to do with the caption, either, did it? I mean, it just looked like some old painting. Was that intentional? It’s just a broken GIF, it has to be. Wait for it to load. Any second now. This is going to be so worth it.

11. You will actually die without daily exposure to a scene from Mean Girls.

12. We’re done here. Just #10 again.

’90s Nostalgia, Meet SLIMED! The New Nickelodeon Golden Age Book

Ever wonder how Ren & Stimpy got on the air? Why Sam always climbed through Clarissa’s window? Who came up with the song "Killer Tofu" on Doug? Me too. And in the spirit of "ask, and you shall receive" is a new book full of all the golden answers to all your ’90s-nostalgia questions: SLIMED! An Oral History of Nickelodeon’s Golden Age

Written by the same guy who wrote Rag Doll: A Horrotica Novel, and with a foreword by Double Dare host Marc Summers, the book peels back the orange Nickelodeon logo and reveals the slime-filled underbelly of the network’s early ’80s and ’90s history, off-air gossip, slime ingredients, and over 200 stories from such VIPs as Kenan Thompson and Melissa Joan Hart – who basically raised us. It also details how Nickelodeon changed the face of cable TV, but we don’t really care about that.

While every page of this book will probably be covered vigorously on Buzzfeed – the arbiter of all things ’90s nostalgia in very large graphics – it’ll have to wait until October 2013, when it physically makes it way onto the entrance tables of Barnes & Nobles, where it will be scooped up by Rugrats-loving 27-year-olds, and quizzically glared at by 12-year-olds who subsist on iCarly

Check out Nick today, & follow Bonnie on Twitter here

A Lot of People Think That Cher Is Dead

RIP, Margaret Thatcher, I guess. With the recent deaths of film critic Roger Ebert, designer Lily Pulitzer, and now Thather, this is about the damnedest Rule of Threes I’ve ever seen. Of course, it could be much worse, as a lot of people on Twitter are confusing the hashtag "#nowthatchersdead" to mean "now that Cher is dead." Easy mistake, I suppose, as there are a whopping thirteen people on Twitter who didn’t even know who Margaret Thatcher was in the first place. Can you believe it? I suppose I should compile my "Best Tweets About the Falklands War" post soon. In other news, this is going to be a profoundly obnoxious week on the internet.
 

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Linkage: Jesse Tyler Ferguson Supports Illinois Same-Sex Marriage, Emmy Rossum Is Just Too Pretty

Bow-tie enthusiast and Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson stopped by Chicago yesterday to lend his support in the fight for same-sex marriage, the legislation for which may pass in the Illinois General Assembly before the session ends on June 9. Said Ferguson: "A lot of people who were not comfortable with marriage equality … turn on the television and see a show that has a lot of different families in it — and one of those families just happens to be gay. They’re realizing they have a great time watching the show, then they’re watching a gay couple that’s having a lot of the same problems and issues they have. They realize ‘Oh they’re not so different from me.’ And at that point, we’re in their living rooms." [Chicagoist]

South Korean screenwriter Young Il Kim has penned a film titled Rodham about, well, duh. [Politico]

Speaking of questionably titled biopics, jOBS, starring Ashton Kutcher, will close out the Sundance Film Festival and see an April theatrical release. [Deadline New York]

If you were rooting for Lil’ Wayne in your office Worst Tattoo of 2013 pool, it looks like you’re coming out ahead already. [Crushable]

Zooey Deschanel in Glamour: "I want to be a fucking feminist and wear a fucking Peter Pan collar. So fucking what?" Do you, girl! [Jezebel]

EGOT winner Mel Brooks gives some solid advice on how to make all of your creative dreams come true. [Fast Company]

Look, I get that times are tough but if you’re willing to let your boss fart on you then maybe you should just go on unemployment? [The Gloss]

If you expect Kathy Griffin to apologize for trying to perform oral sex on Anderson Cooper during the pair’s annual New Year’s Eve hosting gig, you can, well, suck her dick. [EW]

Emmy Rossum (or, as I like to call her, The Poor Man’s Jennifer Love Hewitt) claims she was almost not even considered for her role in Showtime’s Shameless because she was too pretty. It’s a little early in the year for this, yes? [The Frisky]

"[W]e eagerly await the BuzzFeed post, 10 Reasons We Raised $20M to Write More Things Like “Pretty Japanese Girls React to Drinking Poop Wine.” [Observer]

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Straight Women On Grindr Still Think All Gay Men Are Stanford Blatch Or Something

Ah, the unstoppable force of Grindr, an app so powerful its spawn are even spawning. The location-based app has led to fellow spinoffs for gay men (Manhunt Mobile, Scruff), a version for straight people (the equally shoddily-named Blendr) and even a Jewish version (Yenta, which sadly is nothing like this ad). But one unintended—but somewhat expected but still kinda gross—consequence of Grindr’s popularity has been the new trend of straight women using the service to find new Gay BFFs.

Down on the Buzzfeed farm, there’s a post featuring a number of women who are on Grindr looking for gay pals to do shopping and brunch and checking out guys together type things. The posters self-describe as “the ultimate hag” and fruit fly, and their requests aren’t much better—one user, Courtney, seeks “fun gay shopping partners! Let’s check out guys while we shop for shoes! J” Ashley’s tagline says she’s “Now accepting GBFF apps!” and that she’s “ready to talk about fashion, lady gaga, Tina turner and Zac Efron.” At least two use an outdated and hurtful term for transgender people that they probably thought was okay to use because Christian Siriano said it all the time on Project Runway that one season. So, that’s a great way to endear yourself.

As a disclaimer, the gay male population isn’t a monolith, and I don’t mean to speak for any one particular group or be offended for anybody, but I can safely say the gay men I know would probably find this pretty offensive. Having an open mind and wanting to meet new people is great and all, and it can’t be hard to find people, gay or not, who enjoy things like shopping and brunch and Tina Turner. Pretty much all people like brunch, and literally everyone loves Tina Turner. And there’s nothing wrong with looking for friends on the Internet—lots of people do that now.

But defining someone solely by their sexual orientation and choosing a friend solely based on that criteria and its stereotypical trappings, as opposed to seeing, you know, a person with goals and interests and fears and loves doesn’t make you more progressive or likable or whatever, it makes you, first and foremost, a shitty friend. And granted, certain friends do serve certain purposes, but that doesn’t mean you get to treat them like accessories. And if your perception of gay men is still the result of Sex and the City and Ryan Murphy-fronted sitcoms, then you actually legitimately do need to go out and meet actual gay people.

Come on, hasn’t Disappointing Gay Best Friend taught you anything?
 

BuzzFeed: “Here’s How Two No Longer Relevant Things Are Alike”

There is a great, fantastically lazy tradition in recent music criticism whereby “NPR,” “fussed-over,” and “intimate” are terms that come to signify “white bands playing preciously dull and fragile songs that you in your callous, unthinking way would call ‘boring’ but are actually quiet masterpieces, you clod.” Over at BuzzFeed today, Matt Perpetua reaches the zenith of this non-observational style with little more than fifty words, six photos, and three YouTube embeds.

“Grizzly Bear Is The ‘Frasier’ Of Rock Music,” the headline declares, while the deck cautions, as if you are already winding up to punch through your computer monitor, “It’s kind of an intuitive thing, but yes, they are.” Great! An intuitive analogy comparing a “rock” band (no they aren’t) that enjoyed mild popularity from 2006-2009 and a television series that ended in 2004. The comparison is simultaneously so strained and so obvious and so half a decade late that it’s hard to tell if it’s less meaningful than it is amusing. 

Do I even need to tell you that cashmere, lattes, ennui, and The New Yorker are mentioned? It’d be one thing if BuzzFeed were merely failing to be the “leading social news organization, intensely focused on delivering high-quality original reporting, insight, and viral content across a rapidly expanding array of subject areas” that it purports to be. But on top of that, do we really need a list of items once posted on Stuff White People Like? Oh, new BuzzFeed article idea: Stuff White People Like is just like The Strokes’ Is This It. Or maybe you could talk about how OutKast is the Chappelle’s Show of rap.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter

People On The Internet Mad At Rihanna and Azealia Banks For Stealing Stuff Stolen From The Internet

Nothing has made me feel more ancient than the news this morning that some kids on the internet are mad at Azealia Banks and Rihanna. What did they do? Well, they both performed in front of green screen-projections of sea imagery (in the video for "Atlantis" and on SNL, respectively). Apparently, there’s a whole world of people who are into that sort of thing. Naturally, they live in their underwater cave fantasy worlds, but mostly on Tumblr, where 90% of terrible things exist under the guise that it is "art" (or porn, I guess). 

First, here’s Banks’s new video, which premiered online over the weekend:

And here is Rihanna’s performance of "Diamonds" on SNL:

And, via Buzzfeed, here’s some video that a guy named Jerome LOL (née Johnson, probs) made two years ago, when this kinda shit was "cutting edge" or something:

The similarities have pissed some people off, particularly this person named ∞SHANTASY☹ISLAND❤✌➫, whose insane tweeting was brought to my attention this morning:

First of all: everyone is terrible. Second of all, these kids might be kinda annoyed that these two famous women jacked their style, but is that annoyance valid? After all, their "style" appears to be a cocktail of stuff they jacked from other places. "But we put it together first!" I bet they are tweeting (in all caps, likely misspelled). (I’d also like to do an informal poll to see if any of them have ever illegally downloaded songs by either Azealia Banks or Rihanna, but that’s a post for another day.)

Basically, this should be a lesson to any "underground" artist, whether they put their art on a wall or on the internet: your work is up for grabs. That’s how we do things now. Everything is inspired by something else! Sometimes it’s an homage, and sometimes it’s deliberate theft. I have a feeling that there are other factors in how Rihanna and Banks discovered this certain aesthetic. I’m willing to believe Banks found it herself, whereas Rihanna probably had the benefit of label creatives who were like, "You know what the kids are digging these days? Mermaids and the year 2000."

And, come on, this sort of thing isn’t new. Take one of the greatest examples of how culture trickled up: voguing. First seen in the Latino and African-American queer communities, Madonna jacked that shit hard (and poorly) for what is arguably her biggest hit. And now there are millions of people across the world who think some white gal from suburban Detroit invented it. Them’s the breaks, you guys. 

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1940s ‘Life’ Magazine Proves Teens Always Had Slutty Subversive Secrets

Rainbow parties? Colored bracelets that indicate sex acts you’ll perform? That’s kid stuff. Get a load of what Life magazine found teen girls doing with their hair bows in 1944. These little tramps communicated all kinds of subversive sex messages with just a ribbon in their hair.

Buzzfeed found a March 15, 1944 issue of Life magazine that did a piece on "High School Fads." First of all, it is a mindfuck to see the currently-trendy Peter Pan collars were in fashion back in World War II. But is also quite confusing to memorize all the codes for different hair bow messages: A bow on the top of her head means this saucy minx is "out to get herself a man." (Sorry! It’s 1944! They’re all over in the South Pacific or Poland!) A bow warn in the back means "not interested in men," which may mean OMG LESBIAN but may just mean "my boyfriend is 4,000 miles away getting shot by Nazis." A bow worn to the side means "deeply in love" while a bow worn to the left means "going steady." Interesting how those two things are different. A white bow means a girl is already someone’s girlfriend and a yellow bow means she is a "man-hater." And I am pretty sure "man-hater" does mean "lesbian," but also probably "woman who believes we should be getting paid as much as the men did to do their jobs and we should not all be fired when they return back from work."

Wow. Is it any wonder our grandmas are kind of fucked up?