Things The Russian So-Called Meteor Might Really Have Been

They’re saying a meteor broke up in the atmosphere over the Urals region of Russia, injuring hundreds. Below, you can hear Bill Nye the Science Guy explaining this laughable theory for CNN viewers. But we all know that story is just stage one of a cover-up, yeah? And this time, Mulder and Scully might really kiss!

Off the top of my head, I would guess that this “meteor” was really a ship built by space terrorists that Bruce Willis exploded even while jumping clear—with the only parachute on his back, of course. I call it Die Hard 6: Dyin’ Ain’t Easy. Or, if we were to extend certain fanciful analogies, it could easily have been god flicking a booger.

For that matter, who’s to say it wasn’t a warning shot across the prow by an advanced alien species? Like, keep it down you drunk assholes, some of us are working on the secrets of the universe here. Most probable of all, however, is the simplest explanation: what burned up over Russia was a giant hamster ball launched into orbit days ago by North Korea with a hundred squabbling monkeys inside. RIP, you brave and angry explorers.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

The French Are Just Handing Out Awards to Bruce Willis Now

Bruce Willis, who is an expert on guns and politics, was over in France this week, promoting his new film You Know What’s So Die Hard? This Goddamn Franchise. Obviously, the Parisians love Bruce Willis. I was there last year, and I couldn’t go into a cafe or brasserie without hearig one of the hot jams from Willis’s debut album, The Return of Bruno (they love his cover of "Under the Boardwalk"). Because of all of Bruce Willis’s contributions to global, high-brow culture, the esteemed Culture Minister Aurelie Filippetti bestowed upon Sir Bruce the honor of Commander of the Order of Arts and Letters. It’s about time! Did you feel that the world felt more settled and serene this morning? Now you know why. 

[via Hollywood Reporter / Videogum]

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.

Bruce Willis Naturally Has All the Answers About Gun Violence

Bruce Willis, who is starring in Die Hard 5: Die Even Harder, But Quicker, Because Old People Die Pretty Easily, has some things to say, naturally, about the notion that violence in films promotes violence in real life. I mean, that’s fine, because he is a person who makes movies. But he also has something to say about gun laws, particularly those that restrict gun ownership, because that would allow the government to start taking "all your rights away from you." If you ask me, that’s the kind of knee-jerk political response we should avoid perpetrating, but what do I know? I’m just a blogger, not an actor, so I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

[via Daily Mail]

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‘Die Hard’ 5: Die Even Harderer And Also In Russia

It’s hard to choose the best part about all the just-released promo materials for the fifth (FIFTH!) installment of the Best Christmas Movie of All Time. It could be Bruce Willis’ bald top and icy stare, still looking every bit the proper action hero. It could be the so-totally-not-at-all-subtle and kind of ridiculous tagline for the first poster, "Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother Russia." It could be the fact that it really took Hollywood until 2012 (2013, technically, which is when the film will be released) to make a Die Hard movie where John McClane goes to Russia and goes America on everybody’s asses. Or, straight up, it could just be the title: A Good Day to Die Hard. 

Judging by the trailer, the one thing A Good Day to Die Hard really has going for it — and, it’s a Die Hard movie, so it’s not, like, totally surprising — is the sheer volume and abundance of explosions. And big ones. Like, five balconies at once. Not to mention car chases, window-breaking escapes, shootouts and, most importantly, a father-son reunion. In the new film, McClane travels to Moscow (although the movie was shot in Budapest) to rescue his son Jack (Jai Courtney), who has gotten entangled with some Russian baddies. Cue explosions. The movie will be released February 14th, 2013, but in the meantime, here’s your sensory overload. 

Spoiler Alert: Ten Mysteries of ‘Looper’ Revealed

In one of the diner scenes in Rian Johnson’s new sci-fi-action-drama combo-pack, Looper, older Joe (played by Bruce Willis) says to his younger self (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), “Try not to think about it too much.” And when it comes to time travel films, perhaps it is best to simply let your mind bend and mold to the story rather than trying to analyze and rationalize every paradox and movement of the world they’ve created. Looper is film with massive ideas and a plot that reveals its layers the deeper you travel through it. The film feels like weaving your way through an intricate web of details and plot twists that are structured masterfully to keep a pace that never lets your excitement fall–even when it seems the film forgets what genre it’s inhabiting. And after watching, it’s not hard to assume that Johnson was working with a vast subconscious pool of influences–from the dystopian futures of Ridley Scott to the existential questions of Chris Marker, creating a time travel thriller for the modern man’s anxieties that still felt as human as it did alien.

But however you felt about the film, you’re bound to leave the theater with a few questions unanswered, your mind a bit hazy to all that you just witnessed.  Thankfully, /Film has provided some answers with the help of Johnson himself. Focused on revealing ten mysteries of of the film, dig into their interview–but only if you’ve already seen the film.

 

4. How does murder work in the future? Why can’t the mobsters kill there and what happens when Joe’s wife is killed?

The film mentions briefly mentions that, in the future, tracking technology stops murders from happening. But we explicitly see Joe’s wife murdered in the future. Johnson said this was one of several things he worked out in his head but didn’t put in the movie because it felt superfluous to the story. He instead explained it to us.

“Everybody in the movie has this nano technology tracking in their body and whenever there’s a death, a location tag is sent to the authorities from this tracking material. So they can’t kill people in the future. But if they send them back, that is not triggered.” He continues, “The material is powered off the body’s heat and it has a two year life after the person dies.” As for the wife, that was a big mistake made by the mobsters and the reason we see the shot of the village burning is that’s their half-assed attempt to cover it up.

5. Knowing a looper killed his mother, is the Rainmaker closing all these loops for revenge?

“Or is he doing it because he’s come to power and he’s wiping everything out? It’s a good question.” says Johnson, suggesting there’s really no answer.

6. Why is it essential for a looper to close his own loop? 

This is another one of those questions Johnson had answered in his head but didn’t put in the movie. In fact, he even conceived a scene with Abe addressing it but never shot it.

“People in the future, all they know about time travel is to be afraid of it. So they’re trying to keep it as tight as possible. So the initial reason they set it up this way was to keep the causality loop as tight as possible,” Johnson said. Because, for example, if someone else kills your older self and you have to exist with your own murderer for 30 years, what’s stopping you for murdering them or doing something to screw everything else up?  ”Every bit of evidence is gone from that loop when you kill yourself,” he said.

7. Was Joe in love with Sarah and was this something explored more in different versions of the script?

Johnson said he explicitly didn’t want Joe and Sarah to fall in love because Joe’s decision at the end has to be because he sees himself in Cid, not out of love for Sarah. Instead, their love scene is just “two lonely people in an intense situation together.” Johnson did admit, though, “There are hints that if Joe had lived, something might have happened, but in the context of the story? No.”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is Now a Bruce Willis Impressionist

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis are both starring in Looper, the new film from the Rian Johnson, the madman behind the mind-bending Brick. Johnson’s going balls-out on this one, casting Gordon-Levitt and Willis in what is essentially the same role. Sit down for this one, because it’s going to take a lot of effort to make your silly little brain believe that Gordon-Levitt could be cast as a young Bruce Willis.

Take a peak at the trailer below:

Well! That’s certainly a taco wrapped in a burrito wrapped in a pizza stuffed into Ryan Gosling’s gym bag from Drive, isn’t it? Gordon-Levitt’s fake-Willis look is subtle enough, meaning if you went to the movies without your glasses on or, maybe, high, you might say, "Yeah, sure, that looks like a young Bruce Willis, but 40 pounds lighter and a full head of hair!" (We all remember what Bruce Willis looked like 30 years ago, right?)

According to Yahoo, the process of transforming Gordon-Levitt into Willis actually took a team of people who made casts of their faces and stuff:

The task of changing Gordon-Levitt’s look went to makeup designer Kazuhiro Tsuji, who had previously worked with the actor on G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Johnson said that Tsuji started by taking casts of both Gordon-Levitt’s and Willis’ faces, and then "he started sculpting clay onto this perfect model of Joe’s face." The process of finding the correct balance of facial features took several months, and Gordon-Levitt ended up spending three hours a day in the makeup chair getting the prosthetics applied.

Meanwhile, Gordon-Levitt perfected (not my term, btw) Willis’s voice by recording and listening to "dialogue from movies like Sin City." Because when one thinks of a classic Bruce WIllis film, the first title is obviously Sin City. Anyway, this movie could be great and I will probably see it and just throw up my hands at the absurd premise because, you know what? Time travel. All bets are off. 

‘Looper’ Trailer: Time-Traveling Joseph Gordon-Levitt Hunts Himself

Here’s one for heavy concepts: In Rian Johnson’s Looper, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a type of assassin — naturally called a looper — whose job it is to kill people sent to him from the future. As in, criminal mobs from 2072 time travel the person they want gone back to 2042, where JGL pumps them full of lead. Everything’s going fine until he’s tasked with a killing out of the ordinary: His future self, played by a grizzly Bruce Willis. In the moment where he hesitates for the kill, Willis escapes and hijinks ensue, because nothing’s worse in a sci-fi film than someone from the future meddling in the past. 

It’s definitely ambitious: Director Johnson, previously known for quirky genre exercises like Brick and The Brothers Bloom, has never been shy about breaking convention and doing something strange. In this case, it means slicking JGL with makeup to make sure he resembles a younger Willis, an effect which is partially believable and partially absurd, especially when they try to make the same grumpy guy facial expression.

But the mystery of what remains to be seen — why Willis is up for assassination, and how time-travel can be retroactively achieved — seems to make Looper as interesting as any other movie you might see this year, assuming science fiction is your bag. Which, why the hell not? Jeff Daniels, Emily Blunt, Paul Dano and Piper Perabo also star. It’s out on September 28.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Transforms into a Young Bruce Willis for ‘Looper’

Brick director Rian Johnson held a panel for his new movie Looper at Wondercon, along with the film’s star Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It’s got a crazy time travel storyline and calls for make-up so intense, you probably won’t recognize the twee heartthrob.

Gordon-Levitt plays a hitman whose victims pop up from 30 years in the future to be killed.  The twist comes when his older self, played by Bruce Willis, is sent back to be offed. 

In order to achieve believability, Gordon-Levitt sat in make-up for three hours a day to change his lips, nose, and eye-color. He looks different for sure, but I don’t know if he would have been cast in Die Hard. “I wanted to match," he told the panel. "It’s not an ‘impersonation’ but it’s definitely based on Bruce, so we hung out and I got to know him pretty well.”"

joseph gordon-levitt Looper

Gordon-Levitt also reportedly studied audio tapes of Willis to try and sound like him, though EW thinks the “difference is so subtle that many (okay, me) didn’t even register it during the quick teaser trailer that unspooled before Gordon-Levitt joined the panel.”

The film is slated to open in September and also stars Paul Dano, Jeff Daniels and Emily Blunt.

Cavill, Willis & Weaver Clash in ‘The Cold Light of Day’

Have you ever gone on a family vacation that turned sour? (Of course you have.) But really, Henry Cavill’s got you beat — in The Cold Light of Day, he returns to a boat his family is vacationing on to find them missing, the walls and blankets covered in blood. Naturally, there’s a political conspiracy involving his secret agent dad, played by Bruce Willis. While Cavill tries to figure the mess out, Sigourney Weaver shows up as the government woman who wants to make the trouble go away, provided he can get her some information. It’s a trip and a romp through the streets of Spain, centered around the type of fast-paced intrigue you pay good theater money for.

Apparently, being really good-looking can make up for having zero experience as a secret agent and not understanding the language of the country you’re trapped in. But whatever: logic is suspended in all instances of Bruce Willis mashing faces, and this will be a dry run for Cavill’s potential stardom before his turn as Superman in next year’s Man of Steel. I’m having just as much fun looking at the tags on the YouTube trailer, which account for every possible spelling configuration: "the cold light of day" "the cold light if day trailer" "the cold light if day 2012" "the cold light if day official trailer" "Bruce Willis" "Henry Cavill" "Sigourney Weaver" "playtrailers" "play trailers" the cold light of day trailer the cold light of day trailer the cold light of day trailer movie 2012 high definition "official trailer" "the cold light of day trailer bruce willis" Nice try, but they forgot "Sigurney Weever" and "The Cold Light of Hey." Some dyslexics will never be able to see this thing.