Charlie Sheen Issues Bizarre Response to New Drug Rumors

Is Charlie Sheen back on cocaine? Did his ex-wife Brooke Mueller also relapse recently while visiting Charlie, triggering her umpteenth visit to rehab, as reported this week by TMZ? Well, we’re still not quite sure (but probably yes, because duh).

You see, Sheen did release a statement to TMZ today addressing reports that both he and Mueller had recently started using cocaine again. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t make much sense.

Here’s Sheen’s statement:

I can’t speak to anyone’s opinion or judgement.
I was there
they were not.
their tepid
hearsay is a baseless
static drone.
a mantra.
their theme.
I refuse to be held hostage by their ‘constitutional’
privelidge,
to judge those
who can and who do.

nabobs.
CS

Yeah, I’m not quite sure what he’s saying, either. Luckily for us, though, TMZ offers this translation:

Charlie is neither confirming nor denying if he or Brooke is using drugs. He is blasting reports as hearsay … saying the people writing them are passing judgment on people they know nothing about — people who are winning. 

Too bad that still doesn’t tell us anything about a possible relapse (but again, probably, because duh–it’s Charlie Sheen).

Morning Links: Zooey Deschanel Lashes Back at LA Times, Penn Badgley Wants to Record an Album

● Zooey Deschanel got all sensitive on her Tumblr after LA Times writer Patt Morrison suggested in an opinion piece that Zooey Deschanel was a “snobby cow” who was too good for Downtown LA. [HelloGiggles] ● According to legal documents filed by Mathew Knowles, Beyoncé was falsely led to believe that her father was siphoning money from her when she fired him. Mathew maintains that he didn’t steal anything and also that, Beyoncé, I am your father. [TMZ] ● When Colin Hanks said “Essentially, what we were doing is using the technology of this era to celebrate an older era,” he meant he was excited to be using Twitter and Kickstarter to make his nostalgic movie about Tower Records, but it kind of sounds like he’s just talking about making a movie with Instagram. [HuffPost]

● According to a new custody settlement, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are just going to pass on the mandatory drug testing from now on, as it’s been an obvious problem for the both of them. [TMZ] ● “A lot of women don’t know how to love because there’s deep reasons for them not knowing how to love,” said Lil Wayne in regards to his mushy summer hit “How To Love.” “A lot of people don’t open up that can and I figured that I can open up that can of worms and see what happens.” The Tao of Wayne. [MTV] ● Penn Badgley says he can play an instrument and plans to record an album. Of course you do, Lonely Boy. [PageSix]