I’m Very Concerned About Lana Del Rey’s Vagina

Lana Del Rey has one album under her belt, but because the music industry is generally in the shitter, the weirdo singer-songwriter is set to release a deluxe edition of her debut album—the full title being Born to Die: Paradise Edition—on November 12. We don’t have to wait that long to hear the new tracks, however, as the chanteause has uploaded a YouTube montage of clips from the album. 

The special edition / reissue will include the original fifteen tracks from "Born to Die" as well as a second disc of nine songs. One is, naturally, her cover of "Blue Velvet," which I can only assume she thought was written by David Lynch. More importantly, there’s a song titled, aptly, "Pussy," which includes the classic line, "My pussy tastes like Pepsi cola." Being a Coke man (and someone who is more into penises than vaginas), I can only say that I am a little concerned. Will too much of Lana Del Rey’s vagina give you cavities? I, for one, can’t imagine it’s particularly good for you, but I have yet to ask my dentist. (That does, however, remind me that I should make an appointment.)

Pre-order the album from iTunes today, and listen to clips from the bonus tracks below:

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Lana Del Rey Plans to Branch Into the Movie Biz

Lana Del Rey, weirdo indie chanteuse, has burned out after one album, which is not too surprising since her presence in the music world brought at first outrage, then confusion, then apathy, then more confusion. Rather than follow up Born to Die with another album, Del Rey plans to continue modeling and move into the movie business.

In an interview with Vogue Australia (via NME), Del Rey says, “When I was starting, I had a vision of being a writer for film and that’s what I am doing now. I’m so happy… Hopefully I will branch into film work and stay there. That will be my happy place. I’d like to stay in one place for a long time.” As my buddy Joe Reid writes, “Well, we had a good run, movies.”

Meanwhile, Del Rey is now the face attached to Jaguar’s upcoming F-Type sports car. As TopSpeed puts it (because they are INSANE):

Lana del Rey is the personification of a girl that every warm-blooded man hopes to be locked in step with. She’s got a voice that can serenade a pack of big cats, a gorgeous face that can make men weep, and an all-around appeal that can convince people of any gender to buy the products that has her name attached to it.

Surprisingly, no one commented that Lana Del Rey can serenade a pack of big cats because they confuse her voice for that of the housecat variety. 

Lana Del Rey Channels Marilyn and Jackie O in “National Anthem” Video

Just in time for next week’s Fourth of July celebrations, Lana Del Rey, the strangest of indie pop ducks currently making dreamy and slightly insufferable music right now, has unveiled the video for her newest single, "National Anthem." I try my best to refrain from using "epic" to describe things that just end up on YouTube, but this might be Del Rey’s biggest accomplishment in the sense that it looks like she actually tried

It begins, oddly, with Del Rey in old-timey black and white footage, mimicing Marilyn Monroe’s classic rendition of "Happy Birthday" (question: how much did her record label shell out to get the rights to that for some seven-minute music video?). Do you think she modeled her Marilyn on My Week With Marilyn‘s Michelle Williams or Smash‘s Katharine McPhee? (Trick question: the answer Smash‘s Uma Thurman’s Marilyn). Then, the real music video begins, with an Instagrammy depiction of Del Rey traipsing around a Hamptons lawn with A$AP Rocky and some adorable kids. 

(Here’s a random and slightly unrelated question: has Instagram put those old-timey photoshoot storefronts out of business yet? It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to a mall so that I could dress up in cowboy gear and have my picture taken by a college student who regrets not taking summer courses instead of returning to his parents’ suburban home for break.)

And, of course, there’s a recreation of the JFK assassination, because every generation gets the silly pop-music homage to an American tragedy it deserves. 

In all seriousness, though, I’m actually shocked how much I didn’t not like this video. The song is actually one of the few from Del Rey’s Born to Die that I thought was actually pretty good. But, you know, the bar’s set pretty low here. But it does work well in conjuction with my Lana Del Rey drinking game, in which I take shots every time there’s a shot of either her closed eyes or her creepy nails. (It’s a good thing this is less than eight minutes long.)

How to Have a Fight About Lana Del Rey

Happy Lana Del Rey Week! That’s right: Born to Die, Del Rey’s debut album (let’s just pretend that her previous work as Lizzy Grant doesn’t exist. She does!), officially drops tomorrow. Can you believe it’s finally here? We first mentioned her around these parts in October, and we didn’t think this day would ever arrive! While we’re sure you’ll have this new album on a loop, we’re not quite sure which stance you’ll take in the Great Lana Del Rey Debate. Is she a no-talent sex pot foisted upon us by evil record company magnates? Is she a talented singer-songwriter who’s just playing along with the marketing machine in order to make a living with her talents? 

Whether you love her or hate her, you’ll probably get into an argument about Lana Del Rey this week. And since we’re all about providing great services, we’re pleased to share with you all of the talking points you’ll need for your Lana Delbate. 

Con: She’s not authentic. Her name used to be Lizzy Grant! She pretends that she didn’t come from a wealthy background! Those lips! Those enormous fake lips!

Pro: Pop stars don’t have to be authentic. You know who else made up his own back-story? Bob Dylan! Hey, remember when The White Stripes claimed they were brother and sister? They were actually married! (Don’t let this derail you into discussing how creepy that still is.)

Con: She’s a terrible singer! Sure, the album version of those songs are layered with enough production to keep the dying-cat screeches of Del Rey’s attempts at purring at a relatively steady pitch, but did you see her on SNL? Woof! 

Pro: She knows she’s not a good performer. She admitted in a recent interview that "you can’t expect much" from her performance style (or lack-thereof). At least she writes her own songs!

Con: She doesn’t write her own songs. Her album lists a bunch of other people (dudes, mostly) with songwriting credits, including the guy who wrote "Heaven Is a Place on Earth." And, yes, "heaven is a place on earth" is an actual line that shows up in one of his songs.

Pro: So what if she isn’t the sole writer of those songs? You know who else has a songwriting team? Beyoncé! 

Con: But what about those lips? Please, we must discuss those lips.

Pro: Criticisms of her image are inherently misogynist. Why focus on what she looks like? Don’t all pop stars have to be pretty to get attention? Why doesn’t anyone remark about how male singers look? Besides, she’s playing a character, like Lady Gaga. 

Con: Her character is covering-up her lack of talent. Sure, she writes some lyrics. But they’re lyrics like "Money is the reason we exist / Everybody know it, it’s a fact / kiss kiss."

Pro: But her persona is all camp! She’s doing it deliberately, taking elements of mid-century Americana and mixing them with contemporary sounds and themes. It’s not supposed to be taken seriously.

Con: Her version of "camp" is actually trolling. Come on, she has a song called "This Is What Makes Us Girls." Anyone who writes a title like that is making a broad, sweeping generalization solely for the attention.

And so on! So go ahead: pick a side. With great divisive arguments like abortion, religion, and Lana Del Rey, there is no such thing as a middle ground.

Lana Del Rey is ‘Born to Die’

There are a lot of reasons to like or hate Lana Del Rey, depending on your point of view. She’s either an incredibly brooding, evocative singer, or a packaged piece of nu-indie meant to sucker your typical suburban teenager with absolutely no middle ground. If you trend more towards the latter type, ignore this post and go listen to M83.

But if you don’t mind Del Rey, you’ll want to watch the video for "Born to Die," the latest single off her upcoming debut album of the same name. She previously released a truncated video that was just her and a random tattooed bro embracing in front of a moving American flag, which is where this one picks up. There are some tigers, a glossy cathedral, a sexy/dangerous relationship with tattoo bro, and some moody nighttime driving. It looks very high budget, making you wonder whether the critics who cry, "Inauthentic!" have some merit to them. Or, you know, you can just enjoy or not enjoy the song and move on.