‘Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’ Performers Announced, Aren’t Very Rockin’

For the past four decades, on every New Year’s Eve, Dick Clark has emerged from his bioform preservation chamber at the center of the Earth to host ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. The program is a cultural mainstay, and must-see TV for shut-ins and people in hospitals recovering from failed holiday suicide attempts. Entertainment Weekly got their hands on this year’s list of performers, and we’re starting to think ABC is taking liberties with the term “Rockin’.”

Performing at the Times Square studio before and after the ball drops will be Florence + the Machine, Nicki Minaj, LMFAO, The Band Perry, blink-182, OneRepublic, Gym Class Heroes, Taio Cruz, Will.i.am and Christina Perri. Sure, Nicki Minaj is cool, and Florence + the Machine are the best band on Anthropologie’s store-wide soundtrack, but the rest is a hodgepodge of crap, ‘90s throwback pop-punk, and more crap.

Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy, and Fergie will be co-hosting. Happy New Year, we guess?

Morning Links: ‘Glee’ Stars to Graduate, Rilo Kiley Breaks Up For Real

Glee club upperclassmen Lea Michele, Cory Montheith, and Chris Colfer are on track graduate from William McKinley High School – and the series – at the end up the upcoming third season. [THR] ● After all that fuss, Mila Kunis seems to think she might be too busy to make it to Sgt. Scott Moore’s Marine Corps Ball. “Surely, Mila will stand by her word,” said Moore’s dad. Mila, you’re country needs you. [NYP] ● Blink 182 are hoping to work on a new album this summer and will be releasing their first single in about a billion years this week. Of course you’ll sort of love it — pop punk’s for the people! [Billboard]

● Sources say Kim Kardashian and Krish Humphries are set to walk down the aisle so soon as August 20. Such short notice for a royal wedding — in England they had months to speculate about seating arrangements before the big day! [PageSix] ● Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting ready to tie the knot. Something “intimate and informal,” and not because we want them to, or because institution says they should, but because the kids won’t stop asking. [NYDN] ● Sometimes “on a break” really means “broken up,” and all the years that have passed since Rilo Kiley’s last album mean the band is dunzo. “I was mad at music — and it wasn’t music’s fault,” said guitarist Blake Sennett. It’s not you, music, it’s me. [Spinner]