Fox News Anchors Collectively Lose Their Minds During Romney Defeat

I’m sleepy today, as I stayed up way too late watching Republicans freak the hell out over the idea of having a black guy in charge of things for another four years (and, you know, the concept that rape victims shouldn’t be forced to keep their unwanted children because even unwanted babies need the love of Our Heavenly Father and should carry the stigma of their conception forever). But it was worth it, because last night’s Fox News coverage was art. Art. With a capital A! 

Luckily, The Daily Beast has a good collection of the best moments, including the one in which Karl Rove was like, "No. No. No. Unpossible. This can’t be happening. NOT TO THE WHITE GUYS!" and Bill O’Reilly lamenting the fact that people with accents and limp wrists and vaginas might actually have some sway over how this country moves forward. But for my money, there’s nothing better than watching hottie anchor Megyn Kelly wander around the Fox News HQ in an effort to prolong the admission that her beloved Mitt Romney lost the race. 

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Stewart-O’Reilly Rumble May Be Closest We Get To Elevated Discourse

As if this election hadn’t already reached critical mass of ridiculousness, it’s about to get 100% shoutier. In a last-ditch attempt for anything remotely resembling elevated or even bearable political discourse before the 2012 election, longtime punditry peers and “frenemies” Bill O’Reilly and Jon Stewart will spar on the issues affecting the country during election-time. Under the tagline “It’s Why Al Gore Invented the Internet,” the Daily Show satirist-turned-voice-of-frustration and Fox News’ resident rage-face will do it live for IRL and web audiences, and if the respected pundit faces of blue and red states respectively can get together and shout over each other, so can the rest of us, right? 

“O’Reilly v. Stewart 2012: The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium” will take place Saturday, October 6 at Lisner Auditorium at The George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Pre-sale tickets are on sale now, and the whole thing will be broadcast online via a $4.95 Internet stream, with half the profits going to charity. Those who pre-order tickets by October 1 can submit a question for the two parties to debate. 

We would have liked to see rapper, Renaissance man and longtime O’Reilly nemesis Ludacris as the moderator for this debate, because although that would perhaps taint the integrity of a good, honest debate, it would be excellent. But, instead, news anchor E.D. Hill, a veteran of CNN and Fox News, will moderate. 

Afternoon Links: Paula Deen Confirms She Has Diabetes, LiLo’s Glowing Probation Report

● Paula Deen confirmed this morning on Today that she does indeed have Type 2 diabetes. She also revealed that she has known — and been cheerfully championing an all butter everything diet anyways — for three years now. Or as she puts it, "I did not [want to] let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life." [Page Six]

● Once again, Lindsay Lohan has earned herself a glowing probation report. If she can keep this up, she could be let loose on the world once more come March 29th. [TMZ]

● President Obama would love to wish Betty White a happy 90th birthday, but first he’s going to have to ask to see that long-form birth certificate of hers. [Politico]

● Bill O’Reilly referred to himself as "a brother, man," after correctly distinguishing his "Ice Cubes from the Ice-Ts" on last night’s O’Reilly Factor. Needless to say, Ice-T was not impressed. [EW]

● "I think I am smart unless I am really, really in love, and then I am ridiculously stupid," says Taylor Swift, whose new album will be — shockingly! — about heart break. [Vogue]

● "I don’t think it warranted anywhere near that reaction," said Daniel Radcliffe, the host of last weekend’s Saturday Night Live, in an attempt to argue that Lana Del Rey’s performance could have been worse. [TMZ]

Lupe Fiasco & Bill O’Reilly Square Off Over ‘Terrorist’ Comment

Lupe Fiasco rankled a few patriots when he called President Obama “the biggest terrorist” in America during a recent CBS interview. One of those people was Bill O’Reilly, who invited him to The O’Reilly Factor for a good old-fashioned debate. It’s strange to watch the conservative Fox News host defend Obama, but his introduction—“Now, we’re used to irresponsible statements from rappers, but that’s really over the top”—was a pretty typical jab.

O’Reilly defended Obama’s military initiatives as a means of protecting the U.S. and accused Lupe of influencing the kids with an “oversimplified” message. “Your constituents are not exactly political science PHDs, they’re impressionable kids,” he said.

Lupe made no effort to retract his statement, noting that his terrorist comment applies to every former U.S. president, and not just Obama. The War in Afghanistan became a focal point of the debate, with Lupe insisting that the government’s foreign policies are the “root causes of terrorism.” Things peaked when O’Reilly slammed the rapper’s claims as fallacious.

It all ended on a friendly enough note with Lupe offering to license The Fiasco Factor, but the rapper later tweeted that some footage had been edited from the segment, writing, “Did they edit out the part about the US military manuals that teach you how to be a terrorist?” “Oh really…come on billy…well read em for your self America. I’m not against the military my father was Special Forces Green Beret ‘De Opresso Libre’ taught me everything I know. I’m against injustice.”

Watch Below.

Terrence Malick Photographed at Cannes, Bill O’Reilly Calls Gaga a Patriot

● Contrary to popular belief, Terrence Malick actually showed up to The Tree of Life premiere in Cannes, and there’s a picture of Brad Pitt caressing his neck to prove it. [Awards Daily] ● In GQ‘s oral history of Nirvana, Courtney Love reveals that Kurt Cobain had a large penis, but stops short of giving her oral history of it. [GQ] ● If one million records sold is considered glory, then Lady Gaga’s new record will be on the edge of it next week. Born This Way is expected to sell 900 to 950K in its first week. [Hits Double Daily]

Bridesmaids‘ breakout star Melissa McCarthy told Conan O’Brien that she based her character on Food Network star Guy Fieri, who bases himself on a sausage. [Movieline]. ● Since today seems to be all about expensive jewelery, take a look at Justin Bieber’s wacky Baby Stewie necklace. 25K, anyone? [TMZ] ● And in more Lady Gaga news, Bill O’Reilly has declared her a patriot for eating David Letterman’s notes. [Gawker.TV]

Jon Stewart vs. Bill O’Reilly on Common’s White House Visit

Last night, Jon Stewart took on Bill O’Reilly in what is hopefully the final chapter of this ongoing Common at the White House “controversy.” To sum up O’Reilly’s argument: the President welcomed someone who wrote about a convicted murderer in an 11-year-old track and that just doesn’t fly. To sum up Jon Stewart’s argument: The White House has hosted many musicians who have written tracks about convicted murderers, including Bono, Bruce Springsteen, and Bob Dylan—and that was totally cool.

O’Reilly harped on the fact that the rapper once visited a “cop killer”—Assata Shakur— in Cuba, while The Daily Show host explained that Common’s interest in Shakur’s case stemmed from his belief that she was unjustly accused. He also listed the aforementioned musicians, such as Bono, who have penned tracks about convicted murderers, and have retained visiting rights to the White House.

Still, O’Reilly was not appeased, which lead Stewart to make two indisputable points:

“There is a selective outrage machine here at Fox, that pettifogs only when it suits the narrative that suits them,” and also, “You know songs are not all literal, right? When The Weather Girls sing, “It’s Raining Men” it’s not really precipitation of males. It’s a metaphor.”

Watch below.

Bill O’Reilly Finally Gets the Comic Book Treatment he Deserves

When he’s not charming talk show hosts or having reasonable interactions with his co-workers, Bill O’Reilly is just a normal human being like you or me. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. And sometimes other people who also wear pants write comic books about him.

This November, the good people at Bluewater Productions, who brought you illustrated tomes on the likes of Justin Bieber and Mark Zuckerberg, will release Political Power: Bill O’Reilly. It will “focus mainly on O’Reilly from childhood to college.” Will we see the political pundit sexually harass his grade-school coeds, get pushed around by liberal bullies in the locker room, and argue for a “fair and balanced” meal at the dining hall? Likely not. “It’s a biography,” explains writer Jerome Maida, clarifying absolutely nothing. “To be more accurate, it’s part of a biography. Because there’s no way I could encompass the entirety of someone’s life that has the breadth and depth that I learned Bill O’Reilly’s does.” This breadth and depth can now be yours for $3.99.

Bill O’Reilly & the Top Five Television Walk-Offs

This morning on The View, Bill O’Reilly did a wonderful thing. His opinions about the so-called “Ground Zero mosque” pissed off Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg to the point where they felt the need to remove themselves from the set and his presence, in front of a live studio audience. Barbara Walters immediately called her co-hosts out for their thin skin, but the reality is, great drama makes for great TV. Behar and Goldberg did everyone a favor, including Bill O’Reilly, who gets to keep his reputation as a hot-headed button-pusher. What made this so special, as you’re about to see, is that it’s usually the guests who storm out of interviews, not the hosts. At any rate, the whole thing reminded us of some other memorable moments in TV Walk-off history. Check them out, after the jump.

1. Dr. Jan Adams walks off Larry King Live: We begin with the man who supposedly helped kill Kanye West’s mom. Remember that? She died as a result of complications resulting from surgery, and the man responsible, Dr. Jan Adams, went on Larry King to defend himself until he suspiciously loses the urge out of respect to the family.

2.Carrie Prejean walks off Larry King Live: Another classic moment in King’s repertoire. No matter how batty the soon-to-be-retired host comes off, every so often he’ll encounter a guest that makes him seem machete-sharp. Disgraced beauty queen Carrie Prejean was one such guest. Here, she refuses to talk about the terms of a settlement, and after King pesters her, she calls him “inappropriate.” What happens next is talk show awkwardness at its peak.

3. Andrew Dice Clay storms off CNN: It’s hard to watch this clip just once. The quickness with which things fall apart is startling. When a CNN host infers that washed-up comedian Andrew Dice Clay is a washed-up comedian, he snaps, giving his greatest performance in years. “Go fuck yourself and go fuck the whole fucking network” is an instant Clay classic.

4. In the name of Xenu, Tommy Davis abandons his Nightline interview: If Scientology has an image problem, flacks like Tommy Davis are the reason why (and maybe this guy). During this interview with professional provoker Martin Bashir, Davis strips off his mic and walks out after Bashir won’t let talk of Xenu, volcanoes, and spaceships drop.

5. The Bee Gees show off their sense of humor on a British chat show: If the title of this video wasn’t “Clive Anderson chat show bust up with Bee Gees 1996,” it would be impossible to predict what goes down in the final moments of what seems like a routine interview. Sure, the host Clive Anderson took a few jabs at the group’s expense, but isn’t that what happens on talk shows? After Barry Gibb storms off, his brother Maurice is left there alone to wonder with the rest of us: What just happened?

Links: Chatroulette Map Might Ruin Your Life; Ludacris and Bill O’Reilly Kiss and Make Up

● Hopefully you haven’t been exposing yourself to strangers through anonymous video, because Chatroulette Map pairs screenshots of users with geolocation software to pinpoint IP addresses on a map. Basically, you’re outed and we’re doomed. [Chatroulette Map] ● Ever wish you had an infographic of the best jobs in America? [Focus] ● Chris Brown swears he’s become a better guy — now if only the radio would stop refusing to play his songs. “Fix this, fans!” he says. Or maybe don’t, because he should have thought about this before he went rage blackout ninja on his very famous girlfriend, or anyone. [Necole Bitchie]

● Squashing their longstanding beef, Ludacris and Bill O’Reilly have bonded over a mutual love of money. See: post-racial! [Radar] ● Forbes has a new list of the world’s billionaires, if you’re in the mood to feel bad about your bank account. [Forbes] ● A tabloid gossip item about how Levi Johnston is “clinging to his 15 minutes” seems entirely unaware of the irony of its existence. Point being: he’s hanging out with Kathy Griffin. [Page Six]