Trolling the Oscars: Why None of These Movies Deserve to Win Best Picture

Welcome to the internet, where all of my opinions are right. You know what’s so great about being able to log into a CMS account and self-publish my thoughts and ideas? No matter how I actually feel, everything I write online comes across as completely sincere and competent, even when the things I write are neither of those things! It’s a brave new world we’re living in, when tweets can be art and art can be criticized by any person with an idea for a clever hashtag. Naturally, it’s time to harness this power by showing you exactly why none of the nine nominees for Best Picture deserve to win a goddamn thing. Let’s go!

Amour

Oh, come on. You didn’t see Amour. You know how I know this? Because I didn’t see Amour. I didn’t see this movie because I could just call my grandparents and ask them to speak to me in French for two hours. At least the phone call would be free! And hey, maybe I’d get twenty bucks out of it or somewhere, whereas Amour would cost me at least thirteen dollars and bring with it a lot of emotional anxiety. Anyway, this movie should not win, but I kind of wish it would if only so I can quickly take screenshots of midwestern teenagers tweeting about how they don’t know what Amour is. That’s how blogging works!

Argo

Ugh, Argo. Argofuckyourself, indeed, Argo! The major point about Argo was that Ben Affleck can direct a movie, which comes as a surprise to literally no one because he has already directed two movies that people liked a lot. The other reason Argo was made was so Ben Affleck could take off his shirt in another movie. Oh, and you know another thing that sucked about Argo? The fact that none of the women in Argo were allowed to speak to each other on camera. Sorry, Clea Duvall; you get to be in a Big Motion Picture, but you may only open your mouth when in the presence of Victor Garber. And don’t you dare make eye contact with Ben Affleck! 

Beasts of the Southern Wild

I do love a movie with a precocious child as much as the next guy, but how awkward do you feel about the fact that some white people from New York City went down to New Orleans to make a movie about magical negroes? I’m surprised there weren’t any animated bears and foxes floating along the river, or that those giant titular beasts didn’t burst into "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah." 

Django Unchained

This one is simple: Django Unchained should not win Best Picture because it is not Jackie Brown and Jackie Brown is the only Quentin Tarantino movie that deserves to win Best Picture. 

Les Misérables

A friend of mine described this movie with the following: "It was like in acting classes when one person started crying and then everyone else in class cried harder and louder and uglier." This is one of the few movies in which everyone was dead at the end and I thought, "You know what? I’m OK with this." That is until the ghost of Anne Hathaway showed up again with that chopped-off hair and sad dress, which made me depressed. I really hate that it’s a known fact that your apperance when you die is what you’ll look like in Heaven. Really sucks for people who get run over by trucks, huh? 

Life of Pi

Spoiler alert: Pi is the tiger, and the tiger is Pi, and the eggman is Paul, I think, and maybe we ought to remake Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band but with 3D CGI, but I’m getting distracted. Life of Pi is a cartoon movie for adults who are still making their way through Oprah’s Book Club.

Lincoln

Oh, I’m sorry, is this category called Best Way to Nap? Lincoln was terrible. Remember how fun TV miniseries used to be? They were long, yes, but they were campy as hell, had a lot of awkward sex not normally seen during primetime, and were stuffed with lots of recognizable people who were not really famous but still possessed a certain level celebrity that you’d still be excited if you saw them on the street. Lincoln was just a really expensive TV-miniseries, but without the sex. Or the fun. And with overwritten dialogue by Tony Kushner. I got a screener of Lincoln, and it’s best uses so far have been as a coaster and as a substitute for Ambien.

Silver Linings Playbook

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people love this movie so much. Is it because we’re so desperate to see Ben Stiller act in a dramatic performance that we could substitute in Bradley Cooper and just go with it? Is it because it’s nice to see Julia Stiles back in action? Is it because of Jacki Weaver saying "crabby snacks and homemades?" Is it because of Dancing With the Stars? Is it because As Good as It Gets was too subtle and we needed a subpar version of that to really hone in the idea of what mental illness is? Or is it because everyone is crazy? If everyone is crazy, no one is crazy. 

Zero Dark Thirty

JUST KIDDING! While you were all being emotionally waterboarded by the rest of what Hollywood had to offer, you guys completely missed the fact that this was the best movie of the year. Jessica Chastain! She could act circles around everyone else on this planet, and she wouldn’t be exhausted because she’s, like, a healthy vegan. And you know she’s on track for world domination. GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE. it doesn’t even matter if this loses to, say, Argo, because Kathryn Bigelow will have her revenge on all of you. Especially you, Ben Affleck. 

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‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ Returning to Theaters For Oscar Completists

Oscar season is upon us, and with Oscar seasons comes the inevitable mad dash of Oscar completists who have to see every Best Picture nominee before the big night, where a CGI teddy bear will make some rude jokes about Anne Hathaway to an audience of people in eveningwear that cost more than your apartment. Beasts of the Southern Wild, a critical and festival darling, netted four Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director for Benh Zeitlin and Best Actress for breakout star Quvenzhané Wallis, who at six years old has become the youngest actress ever to receive such a nomination.

But, even with all the critical praise and even President Obama calling it "spectacular," for some viewers, it may have gotten lost in the shuffle. The film is available at a Redbox near you, but if you like the air-conditioned box and expensive popcorn experience, the film will have an encore run in cinemas for Best Picture marathoners. Starting today, Beasts of the Southern Wild returns to the big screen to the following cinemas in the following U.S. cities (via Fox Searchlight’s blog): 

ATLANTA, GA
Midtown Art Cinema, Atlanta, GA
Medlock Crossing, Duluth, GA
 
CHARLESTON, SC
Charles Towne Sq., North Charleston, SC
Wesgate Mall Cinema 8, Spartanburg, SC
 
KNOXVILLE, TN
Downtown West Cinema 8, Knoxville, TN
 
BOSTON, MA
Kendall Sq., Cambridge, MA
Embassy 6, Waltham, MA
Regal Hooksett, Hookset, MA
 
BALTIMORE, MD
Charles 5 Theater, Baltimore, MA
 
CLEVELAND, OH
Cinemark Movies 10, North Canton, MA
Richmond Town Sq., Richmond Heights, OH
 
COLUMBUS, OH
Georgeville Sq., Columbis, OH
 
PITTSBURG, PA
Regent Sq., Edgewood, PA
 
WASHINGTON, DC
Arlington Cinema & Draft, Arlington, VA
E-Street Cinema, Washginton, DC
AFI Silver Springs, Silver Springs, MD
 
DETROIT, MI
Main Art, Royal Oak, MI
Movies 16, Warren, MI
 
GRAND RAPIDS, MI
Celebration Woodland Mall, Grand Rapids, MI
 
GAINESVILLE, FL
Gainesville Stadium 14, Gainesville, FL
 
JACKSONVILLE, FL
Island Cinema 7, St. Simons Island, GA
 
TAMPA/ST. PETERSBURG, FL
Parkway Cinema, Sarasota, FL
 
PANAMA CITY, FL
Regency Stadium 11, Panama City, FL
 
MIAMI/FT. LAUDERDALE, FL
The Last Picture Show, Tamarac, FL
 
NEW YORK, NY
Lincoln Plaza 6, New York, NY
Sunshine Cinemas 5, New York, NY
AMC Jersery Gardens, Elizabeth, NJ
Clairidge 6, Montclair, NJ
Garden CInema 4, Norwalk, CT
Jacob Burns Film Center, Pleasantville, NJ
 
BUFFALO, NY
McKinley 6 Theatres, Blasdell, NY
 
PHILADELPHIA, PA
Ritz, Philadelphia, PA
 
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA
Vinegar Hill, Charlottesville, VA
 
RICHMOND, VA
Commonwealth 20, Richmond, VA
 
CHICAGO, IL
Century Centre Cinema, Chicago, IL
Lincolnshire 21, Lincolnshire, IL
Cantera Stadium 17, Warrenville, IL
 
DALLAS/FT. WORTH, TX
Magnolia Cinema 5, Dallas, TX
 
HOUSTON, TX
River Oaks 3, Houston, TX
 
DES MOINES, IA
Fleur Cafe, Des Moines, IA
 
LINCOLN, NE
Mary Riepma Ross Arts Center, Lincoln, NE
 
MINNEAPOLIS, MN
Edina 4, Edina, MN
 
OMAHA, NE
Westwood Cinemas, Omaha, DE
 
SIOUX FALLS, SD
Capital Theater, Aberdeen, SD
 
NASHVILLE, TN
Hollywood Stadium 27, Nashville, TN
 
SPRINGFIELD, MO
Moxie Cinema, Springfield, MO
 
ST. LOUIS, MO
Tivoli, St. Louis, MO
 
SAN DIEGO, CA
Landmark, La Jolla, CA
Hillcrest 5, San Diego, CA
 
LOS ANGELES, CA
Los Feliz 3, Los Angeles, CA
The Landmark 12, Los Angeles, CA
Rancho Niguel, Laguna Niguel, CA
Westlake Village Twin Art Center, Westlake Village, CA
 
DENVER, CO
Mayan, Denver, CO
Lyric Twin Cinema Cafe, Ft. Collins, CO
West Village Stadium, Lakewood, CO
 
LAS VEGAS, NV
Village Square Cinema 18, Las Vegas, NV
 
SAN FRANCISCO/OAKLAND, CA
Rialto’s 3 Elmwood, Berekely, CA
Rialto’s 9, Sebastopol, CA
Aquarius Twin Art Cinema, Palo Alto, CA
Embarcadero, San Francisco, CA
Stonestown Twin Art Cinema, San Francisco, CA
Bluelight 5 Cinemas, Cupertino, CA
 
SACRAMENTO, CA
Tower Art 3 Cinema, Sacramento, CA
 
PORTLAND, OR
Salem Art 3 Cinema, Salem, OR
 
SEATTLE/TACOMA, WA
Sundance’s Seattle 10 Cinema, Seattle, WA
Meridian 16, Seattle, WA
For a refresher, you can watch the trailer below, or read our conversation with director Benh Zeitlin