We’ll Never Be Able to Get ‘Matilda’ Tickets

Matilda, the brand-new Broadway musical imported from the Royal Shakespeare Company in Stratford-upon-Avon (and later on London’s West End) and based on the Roald Dahl classic, has been buzzed about in New York for months, and last night’s opening night brought much praise from critics all over the country. Ben Brantley’s review in the New York Times begins with the word "rejoice," which, you know, is a pretty solid start, and the show has gotten great reviews in pretty much every other publication. (Of course, the show’s PR team knew that would happen.) So, basically, good luck finding tickets at a reasonable price. Now for the good news: maybe you can finally get into Book of Mormon?

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IT’S HUMP DAY: This Week’s Sexiest NYC Events

It’s Wednesday and you know what that means: we get our hump on. This weekly column is devoted to finding the hottest events across NYC that’ll arouse and titillate even the most jaded New Yorker. Partake in these shows and soirees across NYC and make tonight – and the rest of your nights this week – very sexy.

Topless Girls Caroling:
I mean, this is a no-brainer. Burlesque dancers from three different troupes join together at LES rock club R Bar on Saturday to sing and desecrate your favorite Christmas tunes like, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree.”  Whoops! Ah well, no holiday is safe from the ire of guttered minds. Sat., Dec. 8th at R Bar, 7pm. All the details here.

The Sixth Annual Menorah Horah:
Hanukkah hotness hits Highline Ballroom on Sunday, when Jewish international burlesque duo The Schlep Sisters hold a pageant-style show where eight Hanukkah hopefuls vie for a spot in the very-exclusive Menorah Horah Royalty. Retro swimsuits and dreidel and latke songs included. Who will compete? Who will win the crown? I’m schvitzing just thinking about it. Bring your JDateSun., Dec. 9th at Highline Ballroom, 6pm, $25. All the details here.

Mies Julie:
NYT theatre critic Ben Brantley said “There is more erotic heat generated by the play’s two central characters than in any production in town.” And well, crap, if even stoic Brantley is turned on, then you can be sure you’ll be too when witnessing the off-Broadway play Mies Julie, a night-in-the-life of a black farm laborer and his “master’s” daughter in this smoldering post-apartheid drama. When the show’s over, release some steam at neighboring indie & intimate gastropub reBar.
Show runs until Sun., Dec. 16th at St. Ann’s Warehouse, $70. All the details here.

Naked Holidays:
Alright, so if topless just isn’t enough, ya big ol’ horndog you, then get a front-row seat to the sixth annual off-Broadway show Naked Holidays, where the cast –  wearing scarves and Santa hats (and only those) – perform their own raunchy spins on Yuletide classics, like “Dad Came Out This Christmas,” and “The Big Toy Chest.” After the show, head to Theatre District landmark and holiday-decorated Smith’s Bar for a drink and live music by (clothed) local performers. Show runs nightly until Sun., Dec. 30th at Roy Arias Studios, $57.50. All the details here.

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‘New York Times’ Critic Has a Big Crush on Hugh Jackman

Super stud Hugh Jackman is known best for his action roles, particularly as Wolverine in the X-Men franchise. But he’s also an accomplished stage actor; he first gained popularity outside of his native land down under when he starred in Oklahoma! in London. He’s no stranger to Broadway, having won a Tony for his portrayal of Australian singer Peter Allen in The Boy from Oz. This week, Jackman made his return to the Great White Way in a one-man show, aptly titled Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway, and apparently it’s a big, sexy hit.

The show opened last night, and the venerable New York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has wasted no time singing his praises of Jackman’s performance. But it sounds more like he’s recapping a great date rather than reviewing a night at the theater. If Brantley is correct in his critiques, then Jackman spends the evening wooing the ladies in the audience and giving all of the dudes boners–and it sounds like he puts out on the first date.

Brantley focuses on Jackman’s sexin’ skills, making reference to his hips at least twice (grinding and nearly bustin’ out of his trousers and what not). "You feel you could reach out and touch him, and you may well have occasion to as he works the aisles of the Broadhurst," he writes. Keep your hands to yourself, Benny! One imagines that the "passionate squeal" that comes from the audience when Jackman makes his reference could have been Brantley himself, squirming in his orchestra seat and breaking into a cool sweat as Jackman croons those Rogers and Hammerstein tunes.

Sing it with me now: Brantley and Jackman, sittin’ in a tree… "For that’s what this show is all about, finally: the erotically charged, two-way relationship between a star and his fans," Brantley says. "The Playbill for ‘Back on Broadway’ makes it clear that sex is what this production is selling." Translation: Hugh Jackman is sex on a stick, and his hips will charm your pants off.