Everyone wants their party to be the best—people laughing and dancing and having such good time, that someday they’ll tell their kids about it. “It was because of that party that you were conceived, Billy.” The look of the party is important (what you serve can help). but the most important puzzle piece to the perfect party is music. But with each party being different, you’ll need a helpful guide for you to discern what will be the best song for each party type. And guess what? We’ve got one for you, right here!!
Beer Pong Party: “The Final Countdown” by Europe This song has intensity, a sense of superior importance and is super cheesy. Just like Beer Pong. It truly heightens the thrill of a man tossing a ping-pong ball into a cup of beer, or the agony of it bouncing off the rim of that red cup. The opening also lends itself to awesomely dramatic introductions to Beer Pong teams like “The Truffle Shuffles” and “Baby Seal Club.” Girls Night Out Party: “Groove is In the Heart” by Dee-Lite I have never seen a group of girls able to resist getting up and getting down to this song. They get in a circle and all sing along and dance together. Sorry guys, this is a girls only song. But if you want something to do, enjoy watching the ladies on the dance floor shimmying up and down every time the slide whistle is played. Rooftop Party: “Sexx Laws” by Beck Whether it’s for an afternoon BBQ or an after-after-party, if you are outside on a roof overlooking anything, this song will make you feel like you’re the king of the world. And the more city lights you’re looking down, on the more the garbled futuristic lyrics and sound feel like they really mean something. Vegas Party: “Hate to Say I told You So” by The Hives You’re in a limo, driving down the Strip. You’ve got a yard of Pina Colada in your hand so you’re totally blottoed, screaming out the sunroof. You may be up, but you’ve probably lost a bundle. It doesn’t matter. Play this song at full volume and I promise you the best night of your life. Hipster Party: “Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme Song” by The Fresh prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff If this song won’t get people up and dancing, nothing will. But I guarantee that at least everyone will sing along if only to prove they know all the lyrics. Expect at least one Carlton impression. When it’s over, they’ll all say how lame that just was and continue to ironically drink their 40s. That’s what hipsters do, right? Tween Party: “Baby (Ft. Ludacris)” by Justin Bieber The Bieb is the perfect non-threatening heartthrob, and playing whichever song is his most popular at the moment will give you the best chance at making your awkward basement party cool, overcoming your mom continually poking her head in to “see how things are going,” and the fact that you and the new girl are wearing the same shirt. And with Bieber, if nothing else your party will be trending on Twitter. Coke Party: Punk version of “Come On, Eileen” by Save Ferris. An 80’s drug with a fast-paced version of an 80’s song. Get it? It works on so many levels. Don’t you get it, man?!! It’s like WE ARE ALL EILEEN!!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!! I have to go the bathroom again for a sec, be right back. Don’t go anywhere!!!!11!1 I want to talk to you about something important. New York City Party: “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z A great song about NYC, plus it lists specific places in NYC, which people in New York love because they can talk about how they used to live right there and there was this amazing little breakfast place right around the corner from their place that served the best Latkes in the city. I went in all the time, they totally knew me. Los Angeles Party: “Empire State of Mind” by Jay Z. What can I say, it’s a good song? Plus everyone living in Los Angeles is either from New York, lived there at some point, or has some fake spiritual connection to its people and its “energy.” Chicago Party: anything by Wilco. I’m not sure why, but everybody in Chicago LOVES Wilco. Milwaukee Party: “I‘m in Miami Bitch” by LMFAO Just shout “Milwaukee” over “Miami,” creating the new lyrics, “I’m in Milwaukee, bitch!” A perfect and hilarious substitute. This was the hit of the reception at my friend’s wedding in Milwaukee. Late 40’s to early 50’s Wine Party: “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye Older people think this song rocks. It doesn’t, but they seem to think it does. It really gets them going, probably because it was in the movie The Big Chill, and when a bunch of old people get together they always think they’re in The Big Chill. They also talk about how they used to smoke pot until one person actually pulls it out and everyone else gets snobby and judgmental. High School or College Theater Show Wrap Party: “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey Everyone one of these kids want to be in a real life version of Glee and singing this song together is probably the closest they’re gonna get, so they’ll put their whole heart and soul into belting this one out. Live your dreams kids, Don’t Stop Believin’! But please do take off those leg warmers, you look ridiculous. Apartment Party: “Walk It Out” by Unk Perfect for confined spaces, because of it’s steady thumping bass. The smaller the place, the more your studio walls will buckle, making your sexy, soccer player neighbors say, “Wow. #302 is rockin’ tonight, let’s go get super wasted there!” Also, by the end of the song, everyone knows the words to sing along. It’s just “Walk it Outover and over. Pity Party: “Hurt” by Johnny Cash Just got broken up with? Fired? Surgery didn’t fix the problem? Grab a bottle of the hardest moonshine you can find, put this record on your turntable. and cry your troubles away. A warning: this song is so depressing, playing might cause your plants to kill themselves. Filipino Crew Bar on a Cruise Ship Party: “Gasolina” by Daddy Yankee I don’t know why, but this song will make people go nuts! I know this from experience. Don’t ask why, I just do. Lots and lots of experience. They go NUTS! Stoner Party: “I Want to Get High” by Cypress Hill It’s long, bizarre siren sound intro, B-Real’s cartoonishly high voice, the lyric “Tell Bill Clinton to go and inhale.” There is nothing that stoners won’t like about this song. I’m not promising anybody will make it off the couch to dance, but it will gets some heads bobbing and some dreads swaying. Douchebag Weekend Warrior Party: “Cheeseburger in Paradise” by Jimmy Buffett The is the song that will get your drunk-on-Miller-Lite dad to hoot and holler about things you never wanted to hear him say. If you’re at a party where this song comes on and people get excited, run. Drunk day traders blowing off steam can turn dangerous fast. Also, the women surrounding you are 50-year-old moms and the guy wearing the Tommy Bahama shorts is about to piss himself. Couples Mixer Party: “Come Sail Away” by Styx It’s a slow burn at a full 6 minutes. But here’s how it works. You sit and enjoy each others company for the first 1:30 to 2:00, quietly getting to know people. By 2:30 nobody will be able to stay seated. By 3:30 everyone will be dancing and showing off their physical prowess on the dance floor. Chose your partner by 5:20 and by 5:45 you’ll be reminded why you want that divorce.
Photo courtesy of Last Night’s Party.