Bacon-Flavored Condoms Exist

Remember a few years ago when everyone discovered how delicious bacon is? Yeah, well, people are still obsessed with bacon to a stupid and annoying extent, and to prove how *~*cRaZy*~* people are about bacon, J&D’s Foods have rolled out (ew) bacon-flavored condoms. "Make your meat look like meat," the package says. I can’t think of a worse way to promote safe sex. I mean, novelty condoms have existed for years, but I don’t think I’d ever be turned on by the sight of a penis resembling bacon-wrapped dates. And I like my sexytimes to smell and taste like sex and my food to smell and taste like food. Let’s not get carried away here and mix those two up. A little whipped cream is understandable, but we’re really crossing a line here. 

[Via Hypervocal]

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Donut Burgers? No Dishes Over 475 Calories? What’s Happening At These New L.A. Spots

If you’re one of those people who just won’t shut the hell up about how much you love bacon, no one likes you. Also, no one will believe your bacon-loving words if you haven’t already been pounding on the doors at Slater’s 50/50 in Pasadena that opened his past Friday. The “50/50” means that half of their signature burger is made of ground beef, and the other half is actual ground bacon – sandwiched right on top of the patty. Yep, they go there. This sports pub offers over 100 beers and fried chicken and pancakes. Plus, if you make it to Slater’s on a football Saturday, there’s an off-menu burger served on a donut. Pigs are flying.

Seasons 52 also just opened up in the Westfield Century City Mall, giving holiday shoppers enough freshness to keep their energy high all day, thanks to a menu full of locally-sourced ingredients, herbs grown on site, and no dish over 475 calories. We’re speechless. The end.

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Los Angeles Openings: Storefront, The Hart and The Hunter

Judging by the weather in LA this morning, fall is officially here, and so hearty, comfort food is on our minds. (Aside from the general election and Honey Boo Boo and Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman getting divorced.) In Hollywood, a small neighborhood deli called Storefront just opened, headed by the teams behind Covell and Salt’s Cure, and offering gourmet sandwiches and burgers replete with Salt’s Cure’s infamous bacon. You want a coffee? Great. They serve it black. You want any other coffee drink? Not an option.

Inside the Melrose District’s Palihotel, The Hart and The Hunter has arrived with classic Southern small plates like boiled peanuts, chicken cracklings & hot pepper vinegar, and assorted pickles. But if you’re really hungry, they have a bunch of potted provisions, like ham hock rillette, collard green marmalade, and bay shrimp salad. Eat too much and you can just check in for the night next door.

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Less Bacon to Feature In Your Artisanal Brunch Drinks In 2013

Yesterday, a report from the United Kingdom-based National Pig Association caused a disturbance in the force, as if a million brunch-goers and Redditors cried out in terror. The industry group predicts an international shortage of pork and bacon, as drought conditions led to a decrease in corn and soybeans, meaning less feed for said pigs, fewer pigs going to market and although the report suggests a potential doubling of pork prices, one ag expert has that number as more of a 3-4% increase. But yeah, less bacon. Chances are, if you’ve seen this story already, it was prefaced on Facebook or Reddit with a resonant “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Seriously though, think of what this means! Think of the international crisis! Millions of water chestnuts, dates and shrimps will go naked at cocktail parties. That “No Hope, No Jobs, No Cash” meme will fire anew with more pleas that Kevin Bacon does not die. The YouTube fame-hungry legions will have no EpicMealTime upon which to model their bold and innovative web cooking shows. That charcuterie bloody Mary you have been enjoying at the same brunch for two years may become more expensive. No bold entrepreneurs will attempt new pig-centric culinary products that test the limits of American innovation and human consumption, e.g. Baconnaise. And most importantly, how will Ron Swanson take the news?

Although people who want to buy bacon will probably still buy bacon and this all seems a bit alarmist, there are, in the larger scheme of things, actually really important consequences here and we should all have some perspective. Farmers everywhere took a huge hit this summer with the drought. Foods of all kinds will cost more for everyone, which is never a good thing, and it’s easy to just go “NOOOOO!” on Facebook when something like this happens because bacon is like a meme in food form for some reason, but this is actually gonna mess with people’s livelihoods (and yours, too, if bacon is a big part of your consumption and you’re on a strict food budget). We should retain a little perspective here, although worrying about what Ron Swanson will do is acceptable.  

Alright, soapbox moment over. I think we all know who is to blame for this potential shortage. Drought notwithstanding, it’s probably Josh Sankey, that guy who’s been going around the country paying for everything using bacon as currency as a stunt for Oscar Mayer. He’s got stacks on stacks on stacks of bacon and has been making a living selling it off. On the other hand, in the event of a bacon shortage, this is actually genius. He may be able to effectively create a black market for pork products in the event that the shortage is worse than the NPA predicts. Living high on the hog, literally.

Scientists Have Figured Out How to Make Bacon From Scratch

You remember a few years ago when everyone discovered bacon and got a total boner about it? And then we had bacon-flavored ice cream and bacon-flavored chocolate and bacon-flavored pretzels and we started eating bacon cereal because isn’t the idea of bacon for breakfast such a novelty? Bacon! We were cuckoo for cocoa puffs about bacon. We were all that stupid dog who loves bacon so much about bacon. Well, Bacon Mania XXIV is still among us, apparently, because some scientists in Europe have figured out how to make bacon out of stem cells.

Blame it on the Dutch!

In an effort to make meat production more humane, alleviate hunger and help curb global warming, Dutch researchers have developed a way to grow edible meat in the laboratory from the stem cells of pigs. Although the lab-grown strips of meat don’t yet taste or look much like pork (researchers say it has the consistency and feel of scallop), the ramifications for the new technology on the world’s food supply could be significant.

"If we took the stem cells from one pig and multiplied it by a factor of a million, we would need one million fewer pigs to get the same amount of meat," said Mark Post, a biologist at Maastricht University involved in the project.

Uh, y’all know we…can just get bacon from pigs? Like, we don’t have to make bacon from stem cells because we already have bacon. You guys are aware of this, right? Because we don’t have to make fake meat that looks like scallops because we actually have real meat that looks like meat. Hell, we have fake meat that looks like meat. 

You know what we still don’t have? A cure for cancer. So, uh, get on that, scientists. Cancer first, fake bacon second.