A Guide To Your #TrendingTopics

Every day on Twitter there are ten trending topics. A trending topic means many people are writing about something and adding an identical hashtag. Because this is all very abstruce, we’re introducing a daily guide to trending topics. Here are your trending topics for Monday, May 7, 2012. 

Teen Wolf Trailer
This is a promoted topic for a fairly mediocre television series on MTV which premieres its second season June 5th. The television show features a teen wolf named Scott who plays lacrosse and likes a girl named Allison. Here is the trailer so you needn’t watch the show. Although, in many ways, adolescent boys are just like werewolves anyway: hard-to-control urges, slobbering, bacne—so as a roman à clef, the series is especially incisive. 

Example Tweets: 

MTVTeenWolf
 

#What2ChainzWouldSay
2 Chainz, aka Tity Boi aka Tausheed Evans, is a Georgia-based rapper with a unique cadence. This meme involves speculating on what Mr. Evans might say in any given situation. Sadly, a lot of this meme has become just retweeting 2Chainz lyrics. This sort of misses the point. It’s the difference between speculating what Jesus would do in a situation (a.k.a. missing the 1 train) and pure biblical exegesis, that is, what Jesus actually did. 

Example Tweets: 

What2ChainzWouldSay

#WordsINeverWantToHear
A straight-forward meme of words one doesn’t wish to hear since they might indicate some sort of personal shortcoming. Perhaps surprisingly, there’s nothing ironic about this thread. 

Example Tweets: 

#WordsINeverWantToHear

#FatPeoplePasswords
Combinations of words and short phrases that indicate an unhealthy obsession with food that an overweight person might use as a password. Interestingly: Avril Lavigne (@WeLoveAvril) does not like this trending topic. 

Example Tweets: 

#FatPeoplePasswords

Morning Links: Avril Lavigne & Brody Jenner Split, Justin Bieber Dyes His Hair

● Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne have called it quits after nearly two years together, meaning Avril will now need better excuses to hang out with Kim and Paris. [Us]

● Justin Bieber debuted a new, darker ‘do over the weekend. [Us]

● Producers are said to be looking towards the less coastal Jersey City, Las Vegas, or Los Angeles for the upcoming sixth season of Jersey Shore. [Page Six]

● Matt LeBlanc "wishes" there could be a Friends reunion show because, as he joked, "I could use the money." [TMZ]

● "He will change diapers, of course he will," says Beyoncé of Jay’s new daddy duties in her first post-birth interview. "He’s going to be a very hands-on father and he is going to be so good at it." [Huff Post]

● Included on Barack Obama’s celebrity endorsement wishlist? Everyone from Vampire Weekend to Blake Lively; Gloria Steinem to the Jonas Brothers; Counting Crows the The Roots; and Jay-Z, but not Beyoncé, who has already got her hands full with Michelle. [Nerve]

Band of Pop Music Vigilantes Attack Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner

Pop-punk singer Avril Lavigne and her boyfriend Brody Jenner were involved in a fight outside the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel early this morning. Lavigne was apparently "jumped" by five people on the street, who fled into the night after roughing her up and breaking a bottle over Jenner’s head. It’s a curious story indeed! TMZ originally reported that Lavigne was attacked by "an unknown woman," and little details have emerged since other than the updated news that the fight was in fact some sort of brawl. But what was the cause?

Perhaps the girl in question is a Brody admirer who decided to act out the lyrics of Lavigne’s 2007 hit single "Girlfriend" by attacking his lady-friend while screeching "hey hey you you hey hey!!!" Maybe the five strangers are disgruntled Sum 41 fans who theorized that the Lavigne’s divorce from the punk band’s frontman Deryck Whibley last year had a negative affect on the band’s current output. Or maybe the group are upset about Kim Kardashian’s divorce and decided to take their anger out on her step-brother’s forehead.

Or it could be a group of ruffians who still can’t get "Complicated" out of their heads and are still pissed about the series finale of The Hills.

Whatever the reason, Lavigne claims that her "face is fucked" and offers the following PSA to her fans via Twitter: "So not ok to be abusive to others. Violence is NEVER the answer." So, yeah,

Avril Lavigne Back From the Depths With Re-Launched Clothing Line

Ever heard of Abbey Dawn? Me either. But Avril Lavigne is looking to change that. Launched in 2008 by the young pop star, Abbey Dawn is the streetwear line sold exclusively at Kohl’s, but due to dwindling sales figures, Lavigne is re-launching the line in a few months on her new e-shop. Surely taking cues from Jessica Simpson and Gwen Stefani, whose clothing and accessory lines now eclipse their singing careers (in terms of profits), Lavigne’s new collection will do double-duty as a marketing campaign for her new single, appropriately called out in the video on the teaser page of the online shop.

The video claims the line is not exclusive and available to ship internationally, with promises of “really great designs,” including pieces with “really big hoods…extra big hoods.” We wait with bated breath.

Links: Avril Lavigne & Lindsay Lohan Throw Down, Show Miley Cyrus the Money

● Early-twenties has-beens Avril Lavigne and Lindsay Lohan had a very public fight at a Hollywood party, in which one called the other a fake loser. Who did what is unimportant, but here’s hoping they destroy each other. Or get a reality show. [Page Six] ● Tiger Woods has a dirty mouth and apparently that’s contagious. [Celebuzz] ● In America, 87% of people know what Twitter is, according to a recent study. The site is disproportionately used by African-Americans, college graduates and households making over $50,000 a year. [NYT]

● Miley Cyrus to Disney in reference to Hannah Montana: “Fuck you, pay me.” Cue repentance. [Vulture] ● Kendra Wilkinson — famous for being hot and naked — may have a sex tape with multiple partners. Hopefully not Hugh Hefner and his nurse. [Radar] ● Have you ever wondered who came up with “If You See Something, Say Something?” There is an interesting answer! [NYT]

The 19 Worst ‘Maxim’ Cover Models of All Time

Over the last two decades, Maxim has featured a bevy of beauties on its covers, from Hollywood starlets to sexy female sports stars. But like the unfortunate souls found on Playboy’s worst cover-girl list, Maxim does suffer the occasional miscast. Although it may be interesting to see Fergie in a bra, even the mag’s target audience might think twice about incorporating her into one’s genteel nighttime fantasies. But Fergie’s hardly the only gal who maybe didn’t turn in her best work fronting for Maxim.

(‘DiggThis’)

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image 1. Lucy Lawless (April 1999) – Stunning during her tenure as Xena: Warrior Princess, and would probably be a strong contender for the upcoming Wonder Woman film were she still in her prime. Suffice to say, it isn’t Lucy’s looks that landed her on this list; rather, it’s the Xena thing. That role was a feminist’s wet dream, reaching new levels of man-hating with each subsequent episode. Even if we were willing to look beyond that (which we’re not), the appearance of Xena in a men’s magazine contradicts her cultivated image as a feminist icon. What it ultimately boils down to is that this spread isn’t arousing unless you like having your nuts crunched.

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2. Melissa Joan Hart (October, 1999) – Most children of the 90s remember her from Nickelodeon’s Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s that nostalgia factor which makes it impossible to look at Melissa Joan Hart without recalling some of our more awkward pre-pubescent moments. For those of us who were already adults during the early 90s, it’s even harder to look at her without feeling like a dirty old man.

image 3. Lara Flynn Boyle (December 1999) – On this cover, Lara Flynn Boyle looks like she’s battling (or embracing) an impressive cocaine habit and a severe eating disorder. Who knows what got trimmed off or slimmed down in Photoshop, but still, time for a sammich.

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4. Helena Bonham Carter (August 2001) – There are lots of women out there with looks that walk the fine line between strange and hot. Helena Bonham Carter is one of them. Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk characterized Marla Singer, the character Carter played in the film version, as having “big eyes the way they have in Japanese animation.” Not only does Tim Burton’s longtime partner and muse aptly match this description, but her spread in Maxim probably fulfilled every necrophiliac’s fantasy.

image 5. Christina Aguilera (January 2003) – Despite her superior vocal skills, Christina Aguilera was always eclipsed by her former rival, Britney Spears. In a desperate attempt to surpass her, Aguilera bronzed her skin, sported a skunk tail, and left little else to the imagination. The end result left her looking more like an Orange County douchette than an A-list pop star. While her album, Stripped, was commercially and critically a hit, her Maxim spread was a sad afterthought.

image 6. Shania Twain (June 2003) – Faith Hill was hot back in the day, but we draw the line there when it comes to country musicians. Shania Twain isn’t at all bad looking, but she doesn’t belong on the cover of Maxim. Besides, she was pushing 40 by the time the magazine came to print — gasp! — and to be honest, she was always more the marrying type than ideal cover skank.

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7. Michelle Branch (January 2004) – At the height of her success, Michelle Branch packed more talent than most of her Autotuned counterparts. Yet, while attractive, she was hardly a sex symbol. Her Maxim appearance seemed like a disconnect with her otherwise wholesome image, as she’s no Britney or Paris otherwise.

image 8. Marge Simpson (April 2004) – Readers flip through Maxim to ogle at ‘shopped flesh and blood, not pen and ink. Though give Maxim props for a novel idea that Playboy ripped off five years later. Still, if we were into cartoon poon, we’d buy stocking up on hentai.

image 9. Avril Lavigne (October 2004) – Like most commercially successful female artists, she’s a good-looking girl. But her mall-safe version of sk8er punk makes her both a little young and a little twee, even for Maxim.

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10. Girls of The Apprentice (December 2004) – Bottom of the barrel time, and that’s saying something. Really, what can be said about highlighting the questionable charms of a reality show that favorably depicts Donald Trump’s business acumen by comparing it with even lesser lights such as these? Even Snooki would be preferable.

image 11. Nicky Hilton (August 2005) – As if one Hilton sister wasn’t enough. If Nicky was looking to outdo Paris, then she should have done a sex tape, not a photo shoot.

image 12. Nicolette Sheridan (November 2005) – After multiple plastic surgeries, Nicolette resembles a tightly taxidermized otter. Plus, Maxim readers generally steer clear of Lifetime and Desperate Housewives.

image 13. Haylie Duff (January 2006) – Much like Nicky Hilton, Haylie Duff is the celebrity sister that nobody knew existed. While Hillary Duff has made a lucrative career as a tween idol, most readers are probably unable to remember any of Haylie’s films besides Napoleon Dynamite (2004). Her appearance in Maxim was yet another attempt to ride the coattails of her sister’s fame.

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14. Lacey Chabert (January 2007) – Claudia from Party of Five grew up and really filled out. Unfortunately, most people remember Lacey as the little sister with the annoyingly screechy voice. As scorchingly hot as she grew up to be, looking at her in that way felt like acknowledging a younger cousin’s new boobs.

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15. Fergie (April 2007) – Most people’s gut reaction to Fergie is that she’s good looking for her age. Sadly, this compliment crumbles when you find out she’s only 32. That’s what happens when you supposedly have a forehead lift, breast augmentation, nose job, and extreme Botox. The end result comes uncomfortably close to a West Hollywood tranny.

image 16. Sarah Silverman (June 2007) – While we love Sarah for making us laugh and for being one of the few attractive comedians out there, she could have shown more skin for her Maxim cover. What photographer thought it would be a good idea for her to pose in the remnants of a gorilla suit? No furries.

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17. Lindsay Lohan (September 2007) – Oh Lindsay, how far you’ve fallen from your glory days as a Mean Girl. Her appearance in Maxim was clearly nothing more than a desperate attempt to revive her floundering career. To make matters worse, she looked less like the Lindsay we briefly loved and more like Amy Winehouse’s heroin buddy.

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18. Heidi Montag (February 2008) – Someday, decades from now, someone will have to explain to the children just who Heidi Montag was — and that no, the pre- and post-surgery Heidis are not two different people. Note near identical similarity to Lara Flynn Boyle’s oh-it’s-ok-that-you’re-looking-at-my-butt pose above.

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19. Ashley Greene (November 2009) – You may not care, but Ashley Greene had a role in Twilight. One supposes that enough unfortunate straight males were dragged to the movie by their significant others that they vaguely recognize her on the cover of Maxim, and hence impulse-buy.

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Lindsay Lohan vs. Avril Lavigne: Fashion Week Tragedy

Amid the typhoon of tulle, we’ve learned a single important lesson as this year’s season of Fashion Weeks unspooled worldwide: teenybopping once-stars would do well to keep their participation in runway exhibitions strictly spectatorial. Otherwise you end up with a Hot Topic-for-slutty-tweens debacle like Avril Lavigne did. Or worse, you could actually pour your blood, sweat, and tears into a collection, only to end up with a day-glo, heart-shaped failure on your hands. But with so much fabric going up in flames and giving scribes everywhere a reason to beat the word “sartorial” senseless until it loses all further meaning, perhaps a play-by-play is in order to determine the loseriest loser of them all: Abbey Dawn or LiLo for Ungaro?

EFFORT Lavigne: Let’s be honest here. She sat down one day and while popping cashews in her mouth probably doodled something onto a piece of Ramada Inn stationery. Suffice to say, she was moved by what she sketched. I mean, blown away. So she faxed the designs to an agent, who in turn, rounded up a bunch of desperate interns from FIT and the New School who brought this collection to life. Lohan: Meanwhile for House of Ungaro, it’s noted that Lohan collaborated with designer Estrella Archs. At least theirs was a more creative genesis. Loser: Lavigne, no contest.

INTENT Lavigne: The pieces from Lavigne’s Abbey Dawn line were intended to be worn by human beings during daylight. Lohan: The pieces from the House of Ungaro collection are probably meant to be worn to posh clubs where you’re trying to get the attention of your well meaning, but exhausted boyish girlfriend. Loser: Lavigne, again.

RUNWAY PRESENTATION Lavigne: Models walked down the catwalk to a six-song loop of Lavigne’s greatest hits, two of which were “Girlfriend.” Lohan: For the House of Ungaro presentation, models probably had an actual soundtrack and the added glitz of the Louvre as a backdrop. Loser: Lavigne — and not because of her inability to secure something as historic as the Louvre, but for her “Girlfriend” assault.

POISE Lavigne: Upon the presentation’s conclusion, Lavigne strutted down the catwalk and she looked — ugh, fine! — gorgeous and confident — and perhaps it’s that air that suckered Kohl’s into a deal to sell Abbey Dawn nationwide. Although it’s unlikely that Lavigne herself was wearing anything that was part of the collection. Lohan: Lohan, on the other hand, burst into tears, reportedly. Not because she was necessarily jeered, but I think those were Tears of Joy. Regardless, that’s what backstage is for. Loser:Lohan.

CRITICAL CONSENSUS Lavigne: “Abbey Yawn.” Lohan: “House of Fugaro.” Loser: Tie!

With one draw, a single loss on Lohan’s side, and three on Lavigne’s, it’s clear that Lavigne’s Fashion Week debut was more tragic. Ideally, she’d stop tailoring clothes and stick to tailoring mediocre pop tunes. Obviously when the profits start flooding in from Bismarck, North Dakota or wherever they have a Kohl’s, Lavigne will probably run right back to that Ramada Inn and hide away again until her next burst of genius. Which, by the by, LiLo already has in spades. In turn, this will cause her to punch the air defiantly and cry, “Why?” of a world that never seems to cut her a break.

Abbey Yawn: Avril Lavigne’s Reflection on Celebrity Narcissism

Last night, I inexplicably found myself sitting four rows from a catwalk at the Metropolitan Pavilion, where a collection of models showcased some clothes that were purportedly designed by a fading pop singer. Fine. I was actually a little thrilled to be attending a Fashion Week event thereby earning a modicum of relevance for the week, no matter how insignificant in the grand scheme of things. My plus one, on the other hand, was thrilled to collect the free vinyl Elle Jewelry tote they were handing out at the end. Nevertheless, there we were, watching a parade of the latest finery from “Abbey Dawn by Avril Lavigne” set to the tune of a half-dozen of Lavigne’s greatest hits, when I decided that going the way of Van Gogh would be too easy, and that somewhere in this messy facsimile of vintage punk couture, was essentially Lavigne’s greatest hits package, all premised in indulgent histrionics.

As we’ve learned, greatest hits compilations can be a bit of a bother. A pop star has to sit down and figure out that of all the shit she’s recorded, what can she actually listen to straight-faced? Sometimes the process involves lumbering back into the recording studio, where she may half-assedly sing a few hooks, refrains, maybe a middle-8. And then as she sips on some Tanqueray, a producer will spin that into radio-ready fare, and voila! You have the obligatory “bonus track.”

So this fashion idea is something of a genius pursuit for Lavigne, who finds none of her songs aging particularly well. A fashion project which probably finds her just sketching some things and other people actually executing the design, while small children in third-world countries stitch the pieces together, makes sense. Minimal labor for maximum pay-off. She may never have to sing a tune again.

But if only it were that solid. At the runway show, the models were all groomed after Lavigne, from their flat-ironed ‘dos to their flimsy gaits. None of that helped when they showed off such garb as “Crossbones tee with pink/black suspenders & Living Doll shorty-shorts” or the “Doodle Jean.” But as with her music, it makes sense that Lavigne would stamp her name on the hard work of people who already created and propagated a sub-culture whose commodity lied in appropriation.

And even if the clothes kind of sucked, there was something bittersweet and reassuring about seeing Lavigne sashay down the runway upon the show’s conclusion in a tutu and promptly disappear before anyone, unaware of her new blonde ‘do, could remark, “Was that Heidi Montag?”

Katy Perry Teaches Virtues of Fauxmosexuality on ‘American Idol’

Since Paula Abdul’s principled exit from American Idol, producers have been trotting out a lunch buffet of guest judges whose claims to either the “American” or “Idol” parts of American Idol are dubious at best. Apart from Mary J. Blige (who is probably as close to an American idol as the show’s revolving door of judges will ever get), some of these judges seem a little shaky, like Victoria Beckham and Broadway favorites Neil Patrick Harris and Kristin Chenoweth. But because we forgive their un-Idolicious standing because they’re awesome. And the others, well … they’re frankly just not as awesome. Like the previously announced Joe Jonas, who is probably the least qualified for this gig. This means that even though their claims to fame are as rooted in novelty as Beckham’s, there’s little reason for them to be dispensing advice to aspiring pop stars when they themselves have become dusty casualties of the music industry — and all who have become significantly eclipsed by past Idol winners like Kelly Clarkson and Jordin Sparks.

In fact, the only areas of expertise that Avril Lavigne, Shania Twain, and Katy Perry are fit to chat about involve trying to shake down some change from passing fads. Whether it’s skater culture, country-pop crossovers, or fleeting Sapphism, why any of these singers were asked onto guide little hatchlings on a television show that strives to biologically engineer pop stars to outlast gimmicks is a mystery.

However, Perry has taken her role as pop professor in stride, remarking, “I might become a little bit of a buddy with Simon because whenever I watch that show, as much as he’s an asshole, he’s a very truthful, honest asshole.” But despite her praise, she’s sensitive to the fragile egos of Idol-ites.

“I don’t want to break their hearts, but how many of us know that one person that has been trying and trying, and doing karaoke and little gigs here and there at, like, an open mic. And nobody has told them they can’t sing in pitch — for, like, 15 years.” Pot kettle black, Perry! Still, she has a point: “You’re like, ‘Somebody needs to say something’ and unfortunately, I might be that gal to tell you the truth.” Or at least let them know it’s okay to lip-synch, if it means you’re finding your way to the middle of a Margaret Cho-Amanda Palmer sandwich, as demonstrated below.