Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Deb Fischer

Normally TV-obsessed Google has a nose for news this morning, with Nebraska’s unexpected candidate for Senate topping the list of most-searched words. Deb Fischer, who shot from next to nowhere to defeat trounced Nebraska’s Attorney General and State Treasurer in their primary, despite spending next to nothing (or at least the political version), and will go on to face former Senator Bob Kerrey, supposedly widely disliked in Nebraska after leaving for a decade on the East Coast, in the election. Nebraska, who knew!

Solar Eclipse

Something else taking up brain space for Google readers—who, in fairness, are also still reading about America’s Got Talent—is the solar eclipse coming to most of the U.S.A. May 20. The East Coast won’t have a chance to see the sun slip behind the moon and give it what for, but the rest of the country should have no problem checking out the first such eclipse of the century. Real science geeks can tune into NASA’s website, among the first to come up in a “solar eclipse” search, for nerdier details.

Rachel Uchitel

Yahoo! is nowhere near as brainy as Google today. The most-searched term at the ‘hoo! is “Rachel Uchitel,” the former Tiger Woods ladypal—you might remember her making millions to keep her lip buttoned about their hijinks—who popped out a kid Tuesday night. “Contractions are starting to kick in,” she tweeted yesterday before dropping a seven-pound little girl. No worries, golf stars: The dad is Uchitel’s husband, Matt Hahn.

Zodiac Killer

Lyndon Lafferty, a former California Highway Patrol Officer, has published a book that allegedly identifies the Zodiac Killer, the infamous serial killer who plagued the San Francisco area in the 1960s. While the book doesn’t name the killer by name, Lafferty asserts that the man who killed at least five people is now a 91-year-old California resident who was motivated by alcoholism and a rage over his wife’s infidelities to kill. And while it might sound flimsy to the casual Internet searcher (or the police, who have closed the case), when Lafferty showed his suspect’s image to the sister of one of the Zodiac’s victims, she reportedly said, “It’s him."

#womencantresist

Behind “I Hate My Face,” a trending topic for compliment seekers and body dysmorphics, this hashtag is Twitter’s favorite morning topic. Surprisingly, however, not all women on the social network are in agreement about what they want and are unable to resist. Is this not something they all agreed upon beforehand?!

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Can't Resist 5

 

Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Jerry Brown
Readers at Google today can’t get enough of California Governor Jerry Brown, who Monday released a harshly revised state budget that proposed to raise taxes on the already impoverished state. And if voters didn’t like that, Brown said he could just slash budgets for schools instead. "I’m counting on the voters to say yes [to increasing the California budget by $5 billion] because I know voters don’t want to cut schools," Brown said menacingly. "I know they don’t want to cut law enforcement." Now’s as good a time as any, we suppose, to listen to the Dead Kennedys’ song about when Brown was previously governor

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America’s Got Talent
People are still frantically Googling TV shows. Specifically America’s Got Talent, which premiered Monday night on NBC and was watched closely for any wrong moves on the part of new talent judge Howard Stern. But even though Stern, who’s known for his sharp tongue and enjoying talent like a woman who can smoke cigarettes with her vagina, managed to charm plenty of the show’s viewers, he couldn’t help but strike out at least once. When one contestant spoke of his recently deceased parents, Stern quipped, "Did they die of embarrassment?"

Mitchell Guist
Swamp People star Mitchell Guist has died of an as-yet-unexplained cause at the age of 48, and people on Yahoo! and Bing alike love reading about it. The Louisiana resident, who appeared in a History Channel show about alligator hunters on Louisiana’s Atchafalaya swamp, collapsed aboard his boat and was dead by the time he reached the hospital. So far, no alligators have been charged with wrongdoing.

Rebekah Brooks
On Twitter, former Rupert Murdoch henchwoman Rebekah Brooks is trending thanks to the news that she and her husband Charlie are both being charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, which isn’t as sexy as it sounds. The charges stem from the Brookses alleged attempts to conceal material from police in regard to the great News of the World phone hacking scandal. The disgraced newspaper titaness, whose red hair is obviously a calling card of evil, released a statement saying, "We deplore this weak and unjust decision."

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The Devastating True Cost of Howie Mandel

Life-sized penis Howie Mandel, a judge on America’s Got Talent, was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Both those guys suck yet it is Howie Mandel who is more worthy of opprobrium. For what has Howie Mandel ever done to justify his existence? Jay Leno, at least, collects cars. Howie Mandel is simply a professional soul-patched fedora-wearing mouth-breathing shrimp-eating germaphobic baby.

Howie Mandel was on air for approximately 6 minutes last night. Now there’s approximately 4 million viewers of The Tonight Show which means that’s 400,000 man hours wasted which, at $59 GDP (PPP) per hour worked, equals, $2,360,000. So Howie has to answer for that. 

The only possible counter argument here is that Howie Mandel was the voice of Gizmo.

Below, waste another $9.83 cents watching Mandel tap Jay Leno on his nose. It’s an alternative to his silly proclivity for first-bumping.