What A Beautiful Day Not To Go Apple Picking

It is, you cannot have failed to notice, simply glorious outside. But, to paraphrase John Cheever, what remains to be said about a fine fall day, when the air is crisp and the sky a perfect field of blue? One thing: that it presents an ideal opportunity not to drive out to the country and pay some farmer for the privilege of plucking his mealy old apples, hauling the inferior produce home and letting it go bad in the crisper.

Yes, this is your big chance not to tramp through a muddy orchard with several hundred strangers, avoiding angry bees and working up a sweat under your autumn flannel as you paw through low-hanging tree branches that have already been stripped bare and look somewhat diseased regardless. Likewise, there’ll never be a better time not to sprain your ankle by slipping on a rotten piece of fruit, or not get lost for six hours in a corn maze, all while not being exposed to various potent insecticides.

Don’t go now, before it’s too late! Don’t make your butt all itchy by sitting on a bale of hay in a trailer being pulled over hill and dale by a pickup truck that belches exhaust into your breathing space. Spend an afternoon not drinking lukewarm cider and peeing it into a portable toilet while your significant other peruses the “crafts” table. Years from now, you’ll cherish the memory of never bickering with her when you missed your exit on the way home. Trust me, an outing like this is something you really want to miss.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.