Lots of Big Sexy Noise, Parties, Vodka, & Christmas Lights

With a week to go before the big show, clubs must compete with Christmas parties at unique venues where free booze will flow. In fact, it’s pretty easy to get all liquored up in this town without spending cash money as long as you diligently RSVP to the right events. Many clubs are getting people through the doors, but the spend is not there as these holiday soirees eat into revenues and people are hoarding cash for Christmas gifts.

Tonight you can enjoy Russian Standard Vodka at the Bo Concept holiday party at 105 Madison Avenue. This affair is hosted by bon vivant photographer Patrick McMullan, Village Voice columnist Michael Musto, Michelle Park, and Niki and Shaokao Cheng. The music will be by Lady Bunny, who is riding yet another 15 minutes of fame after being used by Adam Sandler in a sight gag during his 12/12/12 routine. The party will unveil “the new collection of Swedish Underwear Brand, Frank Dandy modeled by New York Swim Team. You must RSVP. “ After Bingo at Hotel Chantelle, where Stoli will try to sway me, I might head over to the Jane Hotel  to listen to DJ Wonder and Bianca Linta as I play ping pong. This is a New York vs Sweden shindig and I may seek out aquavit and such.

Tonight I am desperate  to attend Big Sexy Noise performance at The Bowery Electric, 327 Bowery at 2nd Street. Big Sexy Noise features the New York no wave singer, poet, actress, and performance artist Lydia Lunch and ex-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds guitarist James Johnston. This is post-punk nirvana and I’m there.

Tomorrow night, an event scheduled for November 2nd but postponed by Sandy will occur at SL, 409 West 14th Street.  Amanda Hearst, Georgina Bloomberg, and the Friends of Finn committee will attend The Humane Society of the US’ “To the Rescue! Benefit After Party.” The list of A-listers involved is ginormous. This is a see-how-the-better-half-live event.

Last night, me and mine headed out to Dyker Heights, a Brooklyn neighborhood right before the Verrazano Bridge, to view the holiday lights. There are homes where hundreds of thousands of dollars are spent to celebrate the season. We were in awe of these Disney-level extravaganzas. I have to go out and buy some gifts, a tree, and wrapping paper, so I will leave you here. 

Five Terrible Remakes In The Works

From gritty reboot to plain old plagiarism, here are the worst remakes currently in the pipeline.

Three Men and a Baby:

"Adam Sandler is planning to remake 1980s hit comedy flick ‘Three Men and Baby’. He would team up with Disney, who made the original for the project … Adam wants to remake the same movie again with Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider in the lead roles. The original ‘Three Men and Baby’ was also a remake of a French movie."

Highlander

"For fans of [Ryan] Reynolds’ other work, we wonder what this means for any potential of him suiting up soon for that other buzzed about project with a hard-to-kill sword-swinging protagonist: Deadpool. And more importantly, are we going to see Reynolds sport long locks like his predecessor? Is he going to rock a fake Scottish accent in flashbacks as part of the Clan MacLeod?"

RoboCop:

Unlike the original RoboCop, whose chrome-and-black armor suggested something that was part-man, part-carburetor, the new suit is a more anatomically-inspired and streamlined design, more exo-skeleton than cyborg. It recalls certain examples of superhero outerwear—more specifically, those worn by Batman in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy.

Evil Dead:

Sam Raimi himself is producing the remake, as well as helping out Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Young AdultJunowith scripting duties.

Dirty Dancing:

Lionsgate is postponing the Dirty Dancing reboot. The studio has put the remake on ice for another year for casting reasons, Deadline has learned. The remake of the 1987 Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey film was scheduled to be released in July 2013, but now the movie is off the studio’s release dance card at least until 2014.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Less People Wanted To See ‘That’s My Boy’ and ‘Rock of Ages’ Than Expected

That’s My Boy already looked terrible from the poster, but bad Photoshop alone couldn’t have accounted for its performance at the box office this weekend. Despite Adam Sandler’s perpetual stardom, the co-vehicle for Andy Samberg opened in fifth place, with earnings of only $13 million dollars. Vulture reports that this makes That’s My Boy Sandler’s lowest-performing opening weekend for a comedy in 15 years.

Meanwhile, America’s interest in Tom Cruise playing novelty roles seems to have diminished. Rock of Ages didn’t come out on top, either, opening in third place with $15.1 million. The Cruise-helmed classic rock musical didn’t quite find its voice, or its audience.

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted remained on top with $35.5 million, while Prometheus came in second with $20.2 million. Snow White and the Huntsman rounded out the top five, just passing That’s My Boy with $13.8 million.

We can now continue to have a little more faith in American moviegoers.

Some Thoughts on ‘That’s My Boy’ and Andy Samberg’s Career

What’s in store for Andy Samberg now that he’s officially left Saturday Night Live? Will there be more joke-rap in the comedian’s future? Will his serious turn in the upcoming Celeste and Jesse Forever (co-starring—and co-written by—Rashida Jones) bring in critical accolades? Most importantly, will his career survive the pile of stinking garbage that is his upcoming flick That’s My Boy, in which he plays the son of an immature Adam Sandler (redundant, I know) who is just 13 years his senior? 

Granted, I have not seen That’s My Boy, which hits theaters next Friday. But, ya know, I have seen the trailer. And I’m not a total idiot. Here’s a reminder in case you want a reason to rip out your eyeballs today. Oh, and it’s NSFW:

Woof! No thanks! I recognize I’m not the key demographic for your typical Adam Sandler movie, as I’m generally not into the concept of any of the voices that Sandler makes, nor am I particularly interested to see if Vanilla Ice can pull off the complicated role of "Himself" (nope, still haven’t gotten around to watching Cool as Ice). But I can’t help but think critically about the movie and Andy Samberg’s role in it. It is, after all, his first post-SNL film, which was perhaps poor timing. 

Of course, the advertising campaigns aren’t doing the movie any favors. Beyond the terrible trailer above, there’s also the ridiculous poster, to which I would like to draw your attention:

First of all, I spent some time staring at this mess as it was directly above the urinal in the bar I went to last night, which seems about right. Every time I returnd to take care of business and whatnot, I came face-to-face with this Photoshop of Horrors. First of all, if Sandler and Samberg are just hanging out on the lawn of some fancy water-front home, why did Sandler leave a trail of empties in his path? Is that how he knows which way to get back to the bathroom to barf? Do you think we’re supposed to assume that he drank those beers en route, or that he was carrying those cans in his arms, dropping each one after the other? And speaking of beer, what kind of lens did the photog use to get that spectacular action shot of the beer seemingly floating out of that can only Samberg’s tux? 

I dunno, guys, something isn’t adding up! You know, Samberg is supposed to be the daughter of Sandler and Eva Amurri, Susan Sarandon’s daughter. I’d point out that Samberg doesn’t look like either of them, much less someone who could possibly be Susan Sarandon’s grandson, but I should mention that Sarandon shows up later in the film (according to IMDb, anyway) as the older version of her daughter’s character. How’s that mind-fuck for you? 

Is Andy Samberg hoping his post-SNL life will be anything like Adam Sandler’s? Sure, Sandler had all of those early hits, but he’s also a massive joke, right? Like, no one still thinks, "Man, that Billy Madison really changed the game when it came to idiot buffoons talking like babies and banging hot chicks." Right?

Your Daily Guide To Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Miss USA 2012

Of all the important things that happened this weekend, none is more trendy on Google this morning that Miss USA 2012, the off-brand beauty pageant that took place Sunday night. Miss Rhode Island, Olivia Culpo, won. And while she seems nice, we would have liked to see the crown go to Miss Ohio, who went on a tangent about Pretty Woman being an empowering movie about "a wonderful, beautiful woman… having a rough time. But you know what? She came out on top and she didn’t let anyone stay in her path.”

MTV Movie Awards

Though it lacks the weight of any of the big awards show, the MTV Movie Awards remains a surprisingly interesting monster. This isn’t so much because of the winners—though congrats are due to the folks at Twilight, Harry Potter and The Hunger Games—but because of what else you can see. Indeed, last night’s show featured never-before-seen preview footage from The Dark Knight Rises as well as a sneak peek at the forthcoming The Perks of Being A Wallflower (which you can see here), making it worth watching for those of us who aren’t really crazed about waiting around all night to watch a teenager get an award for Best Kiss.

Richard Dawson

Yahoo! searchers are nuts about the former Family Feud host, who died yesterday from complications of esophageal cancer —as you undoubtedly read about right here. There’s not a whole lot else to say about the matter, but here’s a nice video tribute to the guy.

Johnny Depp

The second most popular thing to read about this morning on Yahoo! is actor Johnny Depp, who took his bohemian schtick one step farther last night at the previously mentioned movie awards, getting on stage with rockers The Black Keys to perform two songs, “Gold on the Ceiling” and “Lonely Boy” of the band’s El Camino album. Depp was there to pick up his Generation Award, which MTV calls “the Movie Awards’ highest honor, acknowledging an actor who can be counted on to engage the MTV audience with everything he or she does.” Previous winners include Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Tom Cruise, and Jim Carrey. Meh.

On Twitter

This morning, the biggest trending topics on Twitter—worldwide–are #10BandsILike and #10PeopleIveSeenLive. We won’t insult you by posting photos of the wittiest of the entries; there are none.

NSFW Trailer for Adam Sandler & Andy Samberg’s ‘That’s My Boy’ is All Kinds of Charming

That’s My Boy, the new Adam Sandler movie, was originally called I Hate You, Dad. The contrast in vibes between those two titles ably foreshadows the creative confusion going on in the film’s first trailer, which is quite red band and NSFW if you work in a boring office. Sandler plays a deadbeat in debt to the IRS, who finds out that his long-abandoned son, played by Andy Samberg, is now a millionaire. 

Hatching a scheme to pay off those pesky back taxes, he shows up at Samberg’s impending wedding with the hopes of rekindling some dormant father-son relationship before he’s sent to jail. But wouldn’t you know, it turns out he really likes hanging out with his boy, money aside. It’s a potentially touching concept, yes, but given the creative players, the trailer is replete with jokes like Sandler cracking "It tastes like dick infused with balls" after he’s handed a precious health drink at a spa. 

Remember when Sandler showed up on the Oscars talking about how the movies inspire him to make art? Yeah. That’s My Boy is out on June 15.

Adam Sandler Leads The Razzie Nominations

Are you sick of hearing about the Oscars and all the amazing movies you haven’t seen and probably won’t see until they end up on TV when you are bored or too hung over to even reach for the remote? Let’s take a look at the flip side of Hollywood lauding Hollywood: Adam Sandler officially had a crappy year when it came to the Silver Screen.  The former SNLer has taken the record when it comes to the Razzies, the awards show that honors the year’s worst films, being nominated for a whopping 11 categories.

Jack and Jill, in which Sandler plays both a man and his annoying sister, is getting serious recogntion. He is nominated for both worst actor and worst screenplay couple for that flick, as well as his role in Just Go with It.  He also gets double attention for worst-picture and worst prequel, remake, rip-off or sequel with nods to both Bucky Larson and Jack and Jill.

Sandler will be competing with other terrible films like New Year’s Eve and Transformers: Dark of the Moon and actors like Nicolas Cage and Taylor Lautner in the April 1, ceremony.

Sandler should take heart, the critical panning of Jack and Jill was pure comedy gold with lines like "More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill and I am still dead inside." Additionally, he can now claim victory over Eddie Murphy, who held the previous record for most Razzie noms for Norbit, for being worse at playing drag opposite himself. That’s a very special feat in and of itself.

Morning Links: Russell Simmons Petitions For New State Drink, Gwyneth’s Generous Baby Gift

● Practicing vegan Russell Simmons has petitioned New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to switch the state beverage from milk to something healthier and more ethical, like soy milk. [Huff Post]

● Charlie of "Charlie Bit My Finger" fame made some $158,000 off his viral video. What has your cute kid done? [NYT]

● Adam Sandler’s animated vampire flick, Hotel Transylvania, has traded a Miley Cyrus — who says, "I really wanna work on my music this year! That’s all :)” — for a Selena Gomez. See what they did there? [E!]

● Gwyneth Paltrow gifted Jay-Z and Beyoncé with a $979 stroller, in which they can walk baby Blue around the house until she is ready for her grand debut. [Us]

● The Situation "really ripped both Snooki and JWoww a new one" after they suggested in an interview that he might have gay tendencies, like "his posture and the way he holds his cigarettes." [SunTimes]

● Lest you be tempted to let your YA novels touch, Hunger Games producers were deliberate in not casting anyone from Twilight. [Us]

● Kristen Cavallari wants you to see her still just teeny-tiny baby bump. [Us]

‘Jack and Jill’ Made $26 Million This Weekend, Suckers

This weekend, we collected samples from wonderfully harsh reviews of Adam Sandler’s cross-dressing comedy Jack and Jill. Would you see Jack and Jill after reading any of those criticisms? Would you see it after being subjected to the trailer? Well, neither the preview nor the vitriol spewed by America’s film critics did much to deter the public, as Jack and Jill made $26 million weekend.

Because Adam Sandler comedies generally open to huge numbers, industry experts actually deemed Jack and Jill’s weekend numbers a disappointment, since many had predicted it to rake in more than $30 million, in line with previous Sandler laugh-a-thons. In related news, industry experts somehow think we’re more stupid than we actually are.

For reference, Jack and Jill made more money in one weekend than Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors made during its entire box office run. To be fair, Crimes and Misdemeanors didn’t feature this Dunkin’ Donuts commercial where Al Pacino sings and dances with a giant coffee cup:

Even after factoring in the irony hounds who saw Jack and Jill as a joke, the return numbers indicate that millions of people made the conscious decision to spend no small amount of money during a recession to see Adam Sandler wear a wig and crush a miniature horse.

America is back, baby!