Adam Levine Disses Celeb Designers; Meanwhile, He’s ‘Designing’ A Line For KMart

If you are a celebrity "designing" a clothing line for a store whose name ends with "mart" you should probably should not throw stones at other "celebrity designers." Adam Levine, I’m looking at you.

 

The Maroon 5 frontman is designing and developing a line for Kmart and ShopYourWay.com, the Huffington Post reported in January. Although even the whole "designing and developing" part is being outsourced, as Levine announced this week that fans should upload photos on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook to "inspire" him. He sounds like quite the innovator, this one! 

Yesterday MTV checked in with this "new designer" and he threw some shade at other celebrities with their own fashion lines. They asked: 

If you were forced to wear any other celebrity clothing line other than your own, whose would you choose?

None of them. I would take death.

Over everything? That’s bold.

Seriously. But wait…does Calvin Klein count? Or Tom Ford? I’d wear their lines.

He would take death over wearing any other celeb-designed line? And he’s faux-designing clothes for Kmart?

Give me a fucking break, asshole.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Andy Samberg Returns To ‘SNL’ To Explain What YOLO Really Means

Andy Samberg returned to Saturday Night Live last night for a digital short starring Lonely Island, host Adam Levine and musical guest Kendrick Lamar all about YOLO. In case you’ve been under a rock, YOLO is the acronym everyone loves to hate and last night it didn’t mean "you only live once." With these guys, YOLO is a warning: "you oughtta look out." 

The clip reminded us what Samberg did best on SNL: absurdist digital shorts. The joke in this one gets old quickly, although Lamar’s brief, serious interlude makes it funny again. 

Still, I wouldn’t mind if Samberg comes back with Lonely Island occasionally for digital shorts on SNL:  

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitterhttp://www.twitter.com/jessicawakeman.

‘American Horror Story’: Mommy Dearest

Nice, American Horror Story. I didn’t think you could do it after four long, tedious episodes, but now that we have Lana down in the basement of Bloody Norman Bates Face, we are finally getting somewhere.

Still, a couple of quibbles before we delve into the brilliance of Zachary Quinto-cum-Anthony-Perkins-cum-Leatherface routine. Yes, Sister Mary Eunice, they are about you. I just don’t get why you are so bad at being THE DEVIL. It’s like you are putting in the littlest effort possible, and you aren’t even supernatural, as far as I can tell. Oh man, what if the twist is that Sister Mary Eunice just sprung a leak in her ole noggin and believed she was Satan incarnate? Because I’m pretty sure THE DEVIL should be able to do things other than give creepy, narratively inconsequential little girls a reason to kill their mothers. (I mean, who doesn’t want to stab their mother in the back at age ten? Am I right, ladies?)

Also, if you are THE DEVIL, I feel like you should also be psychic? THE DEVIL is definitely psychic, right? So then why doesn’t Mary Eunice know about Arden’s past as a Nazi, or that Sister Jude had a Nazi Hunter/Breaking Bad‘s Mark Margolis chasing after him? She also put Shelly in a goddamn playground, which did lend to an overly heavy-handed moment where Monsignor Shakespeare had to strangle her to death with his rosaries, thus sealing his fate in hell forever. (Probs. I don’t know how these things work!) Also THE DEVIL likes to dress up in sexy lingerie and sing like she’s all of The First Wives Club combined.  Boring! Spit up some pea soup, lady! You are totally pointless! Stop stabbing people, you crazy bitch, and get your meds right!

Luckily, this week had virtually no Kit Walker and no Grace, so we can table that subplot for a moment and focus on something that bothered me all episode. When did Sister Jude become a nun again? I thought she was already fired from Briarcliff and that was why she was sleeping with that random guy in the last episode? Did she just sneak back in? As a nun, are you allowed to do that? Apparently not, because Shakespeare transfers her to a wayward girl’s hospital in Pittsburgh.

And follow-up question: Is it easy as time travel? Because when our episode opens, we’re back to the future, where the three fake Bloody Faces are found hanging from the rafters after a guy sounding exactly like Zachary Quinto called in, confessing to killing the imposters. But just so everyone knows, he promises he didn’t kill Adam Levine. (He tells the detectives this by calling Levine’s iPhone, which apparently Maroon 5 was clutching with his dismembered arm this entire time?) Leading to the inevitable, "But where is Mrs. People‘s Sexiest Man of the Year, Channing Tatum?"

We’ll get to that.

So now that Sister Jude is on to Dr. Arden/aka Hans Landa (no wait, that’s Christoph Waltz from Inglourious Basterds, but the is VERY SIMILAR), she concotes a plan with the Nazi hunter to get his fingerprints. But even when she does, Sister Eunice has already stabbed the guy in the throat! What is with all the stabbing, THE DEVIL? Can’t you kill someone just by looking at them? Also, you can read minds but only found out Jude’s plan because you happened to pick up the phone when the Nazi hunter called? Lame.

So now Sister Jude is out, Monsignor Shakespeare has made a pack with a guy whose in league with THE DEVIL, and, most importantly, Lana Winters gets to find out the plot of Silence of the Lambs/Psycho/Texas Chainsaw Massacre before two of the three are even created. LUCKY GIRL.

After being forced (one supposes) to make up with her toothless, dead body of her girlfriend, she wakes up from the nightmare in her own bedroom, surrounded by pictures of her and her lover, with the smell of delicious croque monsieur wafting through the shower curtains and tiled floors of her. Wait…she’s not at home at all! She’s still in Bloody Face’s basement! Although it’s not all bad, as Dr. Thredson has made her a delicious sandwich. You have to give it to Lana, she knows how to play Thredson like she was Hannibal Lector and he’s Clarice. Well, if Clarice was an insane, Buffalo Bill wannabe who skinned women because they didn’t remind him enough of his mother, who he wants to have sex with very badly, but doesn’t know how because he was orphaned.

"Have the lambs finally stopped screaming?" Winters asks. No, actually, she just puts on her best "I am listening empathetically" face, while Thredson gives his whole backstory, alternating between the almost-fey Norman Bates and manic gleefulness of the Joker. It’s an amazing balancing act, because the scariest part of this whole storyline is how human Thredson is. At one point he crows about how "self-aware" he is, which is very true, and also deeply horrifying, because unlike other split-personality characters, who need to become an alter-ego to kill, Thredson has full cognitive awareness of who he is. Sure, he rationalizes it by doing the whole Blue Velvet "Mommy" routine, but for the most part he remains quite logical. He even mentions the Harlow cloth monkey experiments to explain why he loves warm woman skin so much, which is a theory we all know from Psych 101, and seems a little pat of an answer. (Fun fact: Harlow also created something called the "Rape Rack" for artificial insemination, and also the "Pit of Despair.")

And while Winters agrees to play Mommy, basically because she has no other choice, being chained to a bed and really wanting to stay alive, Thredson runs upstairs and takes a phone call from Kit, who is in jail but apparently knows his psychiatrist’s home number. While Thredson is busy getting super angry because Kit called him a fraud, Lana finds a file and almost escapes before the good doctor finds her and decides to skin her after all, while wearing his Bloody Face mask. Bad mommy!

But once again, using her newfound powers of X-TREME empathy for crazy (she’s suddenly Carrie Matheson, this one), she says tells Thredson it’s okay to kill her, she forgives him, because a mother’s love is unconditional. At which point Thredson rips off the mask and embraces Lana/mommy and starts sucking on her boob while Lana just freaaaaaks the fuck out. But quietly, quietly.

Also, there is some quiet girl that was brought into the asylum, and THE DEVIL tells her to learn how to protect herself, and the next thing you know she’s killed her entire family. So maybe THE DEVIL’s power of persuasion is her super power?

Which brings us back to the present. While it’s definitely Thredson’s voice on the phone (despite the fact that he’d be an 83-year-old by this point), we see Ms. Channing Tatum strapped down in Bloody Face’s chamber, and a Bloody Face standing over her. But here’s the thing: Bloody Face definitely has a female body. So here’s my theory: It’s some Saw III-type of thing, where Thredson is that old Jigsaw guy who found a female prodigy to take over his work while he will probably be revealed to have terrible CGI makeup. Is the young Asperger’s girl going to be his disciple? ONLY time will tell! Because THE DEVIL probably has no idea.

Follow Drew Grant on Twitter.

 

‘American Horror Story’: The Gang’s All Back! (Well, Sorta)

I loved the first season of American Horror Story. Let’s just begin with that. I thought Jessica Lange deserved the Emmy and Golden Globe. Evan Peters was robbed by not getting any nominations for "Best Crying." (I’m working off the presumption that if this was an actual category, it would just go to Claire Danes for Homeland.) I even have a sketch of Tate Langdon crying above my bed. That is how into American Horror Story I am.

I was so amped up for the second season that I must have watched those creepy promos a million times. Scary nuns! Straight jackets! M.C. Escher staircases! American Horror Story looked at shows like Twin Peaks and True Blood and correctly realized that it’s impossible to keep audiences both terrified and invested in the characters after season 1.5, so they are making each one a self-contained narrative, with it’s own cast.  But since Lange and Peters did such a good job last time around, they were hired to play two new main characters. You can pretty much imagine the state I was in last night for the premiere.

Still, I had my fears. I had my hand-wringing concerns. I was uneasy about American Horror Story’s propensity for straight homages to other scary movies, sometimes at the cost of the series’ own plot. Last season, this predilection gave the show some of its strongest themes—like the whole Rosemary’s Baby thing—but also contributed to its weakest moments. (Two thirds of the second episode was spent literally remaking The Strangers, with a couple Funny Games allusions thrown in for good measure.)

Luckily, this doesn’t seem to be the case in the new American Horror Story, which is set in a Boston mental institution in the 1960s. Except wait! Last year, the premiere began with a flashback to the ’70s. And as we begin our delve into the heart of darkness this year, we start in the present day… a flash-forward. Did American Horror Story just give itself a masturbatory self-homage? Very clever.

A little less clever, however, is the couple we are introduced in this cold open: Mrs. Channing Tatum (Jenna Dewan) and the guy with the douchey tattoos from The Voice. That’s right, Adam "Smugface" Levine is (finally?) flexing his acting chops. He’s a horny newlywed who has agreed to the world’s creepiest honeymoon: his wife wants to go have sex in the biggest haunted attractions in the country. And it just so happens that the now-abandoned Briarcliff Manor for the Criminally Insane happens to be their last stop. "So…this is goodbye," indeed. (Alternate joke: He should "move like Jagger out of there!") Instead, they fuck on an operating table.

Mrs. Tatum explains that in 1908, Briarcliff was the largest tuberculosis ward in the East Coast, which is already super scary because no one wants to die like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Mid-century, the Catholic Church bought the property and turned it into a state-run mental institution. Still, the "death chute" used to funnel bacteria-infested bodies got to stay, because it slipped everybody’s mind that a building that would be housing the CRIMINALLY INSANE should probably not come equipped with its own escape tunnel to the outside world.

Also, fun fact: Among the residents of the Briarcliff was the infamous BLOODY FACE, a serial killer who skinned his victims alive. When Adam Levine hears about BLOODY FACE, he gets so scared that his arm falls off. (Hopefully it was the tattooed arm.) 

Mrs. Tatum tries to act scared now that they are trapped inside, not having sex. And they are stuck in the abandoned sanitarium with whatever scared Adam’s arm off. There’s only one way out, and it’s tuberculcious! She’ll really need to Step Up now! (Alternate joke: Too bad she didn’t take The Vow of silence before coming up with this terrible Honeymoon idea!)

CACHA! CACHA! SHZZZZ! (That’s my impression of the opening credits, feel free to make your own phonetic guesses.)

Now we are in 1964, and some jerk is having his gas pumped by a snappy youth. The guy is complaining about how it cost three whole dollars to fill up his tank. It’s supposed to be one of those moments where we role our eyes and tell this guy "You jerk! Three dollars is SO CHEAP! Wait till the future!" The problem is, three bucks is actually an insane price for gas in 1964.

Even though he has a right to be mad at the gas price, he loses our sympathy when throws his money on the ground. The poor attendant, good-naturedly suffering what is probably the latest in a long string of gas-related indignities, bends down to pick it up. He straightens up to yell "Drive Safely!" while the camera spins around the reveal…Tate!

Well, not Tate. But Evan Peters, playing some guy named Kit Walker (Pronounced "Wah-kah." Remember, this is a Boston period piece, and Kit sounds like he’s channeling Leonardo DiCaprio’s "duly appointed fehdahral maaaahshal" character from Shutter Island.). Kit doesn’t even care that he has a dumb job, or that his friends are pretty menacing and try to steal his gun within, like, two seconds of showing up at the gas station. Kit isn’t going to let that bring him down, because Kit has a secret. He’s in love! Not just in love, but married! And not just married, but married to a pretty black lady! And it’s 1964, or at least an alternative-reality 1964 where Boston has annexed itself from the north and moved down to the Deep South, where a mixed-race couple is the second worst thing you could be, besides homosexual. (Don’t worry, the show will awkwardly force a lesbian storyline into the pilot as well.)

After awesome sex with his beautiful chocolate bride, Tate sees lights outside and assumes the worst. He grabs his gun and orders Alma to stay inside. Unlucky for him, it’s not his friends or the KKK but ALIENS.

Generally, I don’t find aliens scary, but this whole sequence was terrifying. There were no little green men or slime-covered monsters. Just piercing light, screaming, objects attaching themselves to the ceiling, and a confusing sequence of shots: Kit—now sans wife—is naked, bathed in pure light one second, and then receiving electroshock therapy (presumably) at Briarcliff the next. Guess no one bought his Area 51 story.

But before we can find out what lead up to Kit’s incarceration, we meet the rest of the cuckoo’s nest. Nosy reporter Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson, who played the psychic last season) goes to Briarcliff on the pretense of writing a story about the asylum’s delicious molasses bread (no, seriously) and meets the madhouse. There’s Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe, looking considerably younger and less bitchy than she did last season as the haughty ghost-mistress of Terror House), a prostrating ditz who acts as second in command to the totally dom Sister Jude (Jessica Lange). Jude is an uptight nun who is only lax in the accent department, which comes and goes as the mood (moo-awd!) strikes her. When we meet her, she’s been shaving nymphomaniac Shelly’s head, but stops halfway to take a meeting. (Lucky for Shelly, she’s played by Chloe Sevigny, so the half-bald thing kind of works for her.)

Lana is more interested in the inmates than the cooking. Why was she giving Shelly a totally punk rock Chelsea, when that hairstyle wouldn’t be in vogue for 30 years?

Jude—whose own hair must be wound pretty tight behind that habit, since her skull looks like it is about to burst out of her face—curtly informs Lana that Shelly had been brought to the asylum after being diagnosed by a psychiatrist. "A psychiatrist," she spits, "who gave her a preposterous diagnosis comparing her to a wood nymph." (Get it??)

So, to sum up the scene: the woman running a mental asylum for the CRIMINALLY INSANE thinks that mental illness is just a new-fangled devil’s term for sin. She’s already giving Nurse Ratched a run for her money.

But Jude and her closet full of whips might not even be the worst of the asylum’s staff. The god-fearing woman is rightfully suspicious of the other "head" of Briarcliff, Dr. Arthur Arden (James Cromwell, Babe and Babe II: Pig in the City). Boston’s answer to Joseph Mengele has been performing secret experiments on some of the patients, and has enlisted Sister Mary Eunice as his accomplice in getting rid of the evidence. Sister Jude thinks it’s fishy that Dr. Arden’s "patients" a) all seem to die right on his operating table and b) don’t have any surviving relatives to complain about it. Then they have a fight that goes something like this, where Sister Jude is like "Blah, blah, GOD!"

"Blah, blah, SCIENCE!" says Dr. Arden. "Also, look at this mutant flower I made…with SCIENCE!"

"Blah, blah, Jesus is watching, abomination, blah, blah, blah." Sister Jude takes her leave. She needs to make dinner for her secret crush, the hospital’s Monsignor, Timothy Howard. (Played by Joseph Fiennes, who finally found the role worth to follow up his portrayal of Shakespeare in 1998.) Sister Jude has a dirty little sex fantasy during the meal after the Monsignor says that her cooking belies a decadent streak. Also, she is wearing a sexy red slip under her cloister. What kind of nun is she?

Well, she had a rough day: It turns out Ms. Walker wasn’t interested in molasses bread at all! She used it as a cover for her real story, about BLOODY FACE, who was due to arrive at the hospital that very afternoon. As Sister Jude prissily marches Ms. Walker out of Briarcliff, the reporter locks eyes on the man who allegedly murdered and skinned three women. Hi, Kit!

Kit does not have a good first day in the asylum, because he is tied to a bed and forced to listen to a nun smugly taunt him about his crimes. Later, he meets a hot new friend named Grace, who sneaks him food and allegedly murdered her whole family. She’s got a cute French accent. The two are instant besties.

But even that fleeting pleasure is cut short. Dr. Arden wants Kit for a brain experiment! Which doesn’t seem smart, seeing as the kid is very high profile and about to go to trial, but whatever. I’m not the crazy doctor here, what do I know? Before Kit can get a fun icepick lobotomy, Arden notices a lump in his neck and decides to cut it out. You know, in case it’s treasure or something.

Unfortunately, it’s not treasure, or even candy. It’s a microchip. Of course, no one in 1964 knows what a microchip is, so the two men stare at the thing like it’s about to sprout legs and run away. Oh, wait, there it goes!

Blah, blah, science, indeed!

Nosy Lana wants to sneak back into the mental asylum and break the story about Sister Jude’s inhumane treatments wide open. Her lesbian girlfriend (see??) think that sounds like a great idea, probably because she just finished getting high. Off her marijuana cigarette. Lana finds Sister Mary Eunice scrambling back out of the woods after feeding those monstrosities Arden is taking care of. She blackmails the nun into sneaking her in the asylum through the death chute, whereupon she is immediately attacked by a monster hiding in a supposedly unoccupied room.

This is why you never take advice from your stoned girlfriend.

When Lana wakes up, she finds herself strapped to a bed in Briarcliff, with a nasty-looking Saw-device on her head. Sister Jude thinks Lana is too nosy, and pulled some strings to have her committed. Despite being mentioned in the episode, Sister Jude has apparently never heard of Nellie Bly.

Things look bleak for Lana, and even bleaker for Mrs. Tatum, whom the show cuts back to for the final sequence. Who is that in the chute? Why, it’s BLOODY FACE! Quick, get your husband, who is finding it "Harder to Breathe," and pull out A Guide to Recognizing Your Local Saints.

It looks like you’re going to need it.

Follow Drew Grant on Twitter.

We’re Breaking Up With ‘The Voice’

You watch too much TV. No, you do. So do I. We all follow too many series and overload our DVRs to the point where we have to spend Sunday afternoons clearing them out like they’re our junk drawer. And there are new shows premiering all the time! Some of them worth a look—okay, most of them aren’t, but SOME. But we can’t just keep piling on like this. We’ve gotta start weeding shows out. On the plus side, if you’re a wonky sort, a good TV purge is often a great way to examine what you’re looking for in your entertainment. What you value. So each week here at BlackBook, we’re going to tell you what show you should be giving up on. It won’t be easy, but it has to be done. This week, we’re letting go of The Voice.

Getting Dumped: The Voice

What’d They Do This Time? Look, we all know why we started watching The Voice. We’d just gotten out of a grueling relationship with American Idol that left us disillusioned and with nightmares about LeeDWyze. At the time, The Voice was as good a rebound choice as anything else. A leopard never changes its spots, after all—we’re always going to need some kind of music-based talent show to rally around. And The Voice had a lot of great elements. For one thing, they seemed to value exactly what their title said they would, preferring impressive vocals over gimmicky, freakshow auditions. And the focus on mentorship, rather than throwing contestants out to the wolves not knowing anything, was a cool twist. But let’s be honest: we had one thing on our minds when we were falling for The Voice: those chairs. They were a brilliant innovation, bringing all the spontaneous excitement of a Whack-a-Mole game to the traditional singing competition. Watching the power shift from the judges one minute (will they hit that button??) to the contestant the next minute (which mentor will they choose??) is legitimately exciting TV.

This is the problem, though: everything that’s great about the show is swiveling around in those chairs, and after the audition rounds are over, there are still weeks—MONTHS, even—to go before the show settles on a winner. Which, also, not for nothing, but can you name one winner of The Voice off the top of your head? Do you even know how many there have been? The simple truth is that the contestants have never been more compelling than the judges, and the later weeks really suffer for that. After multiple seasons of trying to make the middle and later rounds as compelling as those wonderful chair-turning rounds, isn’t it time to admit that this is all the show is capable of offering, thank it for some hot rebound action, and start looking for something more stable?

Anything Else? Carson Daly. Why? Why is Carson Daly? Why is he constantly introducing himself to the families? Do the other judges even know he’s there? We should be fine with not knowing the answers to any of these questions, by the way.

What We’ll Miss: The judges, of course. Their competitive camaraderie is a lot of fun to watch. But that’s actually another reason to call it quits now, with Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo Green leaving after this season. If the sad last few years of American Idol have taught us anything, it’s that the desperate search for random celebrities to plug into judges’ chairs is a sad spectacle indeed. We’ll be able to get our fill of Adam Levine on American Horror Story, and THAT show will get him naked, so we’re fine with the tradeoff.

What We’ll Have More Time For: The Voice is on two nights a week, for three hours total, so it’s like breaking up with THREE shows at once! Mondays are kind of a wasteland if you’re not into Dancing with the Stars or Bones, though we’ve heard good things about Switched at Birth on ABC Family (seriously!). But on Tuesdays, you’ll have more time for the promising Ben & Kate on FOX. No singing on that one, but Lucy Punch kiiind of looks like Christina Aguilera?

Follow Joe Reid on Twitter.

Tim Tebow Gets Maroon 5 ‘Payphone’ Parody

Fuck if I know what’s even going on here — you know, girls and football, blah — but I am told the Jets are playing this afternoon. Thus I would be remiss not to post this Maroon 5 ‘Payphone’ parody from Network of Champions.

 

Oh look: someone with a higher falsetto than Adam Levine.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Your Definitive Guide To Casting On ‘American Horror Story’ Season Two

Casting news can get so tedious, especially when you couldn’t give a crap about the latest Breaking Hunger Potter Twilight Games franchise. But a casting update I can get behind is season two of American Horror Story, which will be set in an all-new setting and feature an almost all-new cast. Creator Ryan Murphy dished to The Hollywood Reporter that season two will be "fun, sexy and baroque" and set on an East Coast mental institution for the criminally insane. So who can we expect to see onscreen?

  • Jessica Lange (who played Constance the neighbor): Lange will play a nun who runs the East Coast mental institution, spars with patients, and is in love with her hunky boss.   
  • Other season one actors including Zachary Quinto (Chad the spurned gay lover), Evan Peters (Tate the creepy boyfriend), Sarah Paulson (medium Billie Dean) and Lily Rabe (Nora the sad mom): These season one cast member will return to the series, but will play entirely new roles. The only thing we know about Quinto’s role is that he’s been signed on as the series’ "co-lead" along with Lange. #2
  • Adam Levine: Yes, we’re going to learn the hard way if Maroon 5 frontman and co-host of The Voice can actually act in something longer than a music video. Murphy said the singer needs to "play a sexy guy" and will appear with actress as two "gritty" characters called The Lovers.  
  • Chloe Sevigny: The indie darling will play a "nymphomaniac" named Shelly who will "go head to head" with Lange’s nun character.
  • James Cromwell: The Artist actor will join the cast as a doctor at the mental institution named Dr. Arden.
  • Ralph Fiennes: The hunky actor is "in talks" to play Jessica Lange’s boss and "lust object," according to NYmag.com’s Vulture blog.  
  • Chris Zylka: The young actor has just appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man and the recently cancelled Secret Circle. He’s now headed to season two in an as-of-yet unclear role, but only indicated he gets screentime with Lange. 
  • Britne Olford: The young actress recently played Cadie in the American version of Skins and will join the season two cast as a character named Alma.
  • Lizzie Brochere: The French actress will play a "nemesis" to Jessica Lange’s character on season two. According to TV Line, her role was described in casting as a femme fatale, "extremely sexual and dangerous wild-child sexpot" and compared to Angelina Jolie’s character in Girl Interrupted. Sounds like a perfect part for a French actress known for her racy work.

So there you have it: an exhaustive, but surely not  yet complete, list of who we can expect in season two. In the meantime, where are you all getting your psychosexual comedic drama?

Afternoon Links: Nicki Minaj Signs Up With Pepsi, Michael Bay Tells Ninja Turtle Fans To ‘Chill’

● Nicki Minaj has inked a multimillion-dollar deal with Pepsi to be the face their new "Pop" beverage. "It’s going to be explosive," they say. [Forbes]

● Michael Bay says die-hard fans need to "chill," because he is not going to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot he is working on. "Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place," he assure. "Our team is working closely with on of the original creators of the Ninja Turtles to help expand and give more complex back story." [TMZ]

● Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase are writing a movie together. "Can’t say too much about the concept, but the joy of working with him again is one that I am extremely excited about," Aykroyd writes on Facebook.  [Vulture]

● Apparently Drake don’t mind if he do with Wayne’s sloppy seconds. [RapFix]

Harry Potter bully Jamie Waylett has been sentenced to two years in prison for involvement (during which he was allegedly in possesion of a firebomb) in last summer’s London riots. [Us]

● Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine is in negotiations to join the second season of FX’s American Horror Story as a contemporary character and one half of a couple called “The Lovers.” [EW]

Morning Links: Jessica Simpson Is Pregnant, Adam Levine Doesn’t Want His Music Played On ‘Evil’ Fox

● Jessica Simpson is, just like everyone thought, pregnant! She was just waiting until she had a magazine deal — this one with OK! bringing in a reported $500,000, hopefully deposited directly into the nascent child’s college fund — confirmed before she would say so. [OK!] ● Lindsay Lohan was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs yesterday after the judge ripped on her acting career (“She is supposed to be an actress from what I hear.”), admonished her to start doing her community service, and, ultimately, revoked her probation. Lindsay immediately posted the $100,000 bail, and is set to return to court November 2nd. If you must, the mugshot. [NYP] ● Carla Burni and French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed une peitite fille into the world yesterday evening. [People]

● Kate Winslet was on hand yesterday while her new boyfriend, Ned Rocknroll, and his uncle, Richard Branson, launched their new “high-end spaceport” far out into the galaxy. [Us] ● Maroon 5 heartthrob Adam Levine warned Fox News against using his music on their “evil fucking channel ever again.” And then he said, “Thank you,” which was nice. [Huff Post] ● River Phoenix’s final film, Dark Blood, is being cut for release 18 years after Phoenix’s sudden and untimely, mid-shoot death. [THR]

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