Much hay has been made of the news that Internet dinosaur Yahoo! Inc. will buy the blogging platform Tumblr for $1.1 billion, allowing the company’s decrepit 26-year-old founder and CEO, David Karp, to finally retire to his private island made of American Apparel models. (Just kidding, David. Please don’t delete me.) But while Tumblr users and others have expressed outrage and threatened self-exile, as if we’d just reelected George W. Bush, we didn’t know what a Yahoo!-fried Tumblr will look like. Until now. Here are some highly confidential plans we intercepted.
· All Tumblr user names will be modified to have the Yahoo! exclamation point at the end.
· Ask Boxes will be replaced with Yahoo! email accounts (and users must delete Gmail accounts before being permitted to register for Yahoo! email accounts).
· Panels of Sudoku, GemClix, Deep Sea Mahjong and other Yahoo! Games will be randomly inserted into the dashboard. Everyone loves games.
· Half of Tumblr’s budget will now go toward high-concept Super Bowl ad buys.
· Logging onto Yahoo!-Tumblr for the first time downloads a spyware patch onto your computer. Don’t worry, it’s just to make sure that you never quit Yahoo!-Tumblr. Ever.
· More yodeling, somehow.
· The edit and delete post buttons will be removed. Yahoo! is a big believer in learning from your mistakes.
· All songs must now be uploaded as MIDI files.
· Any attempt to embed a YouTube video will incur an automatic DMCA lawsuit from NBCUniversal.
· Tumblr Radar will be revamped to advertise nothing but Dell computers. Dude, you’re getting a Dell!
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