Here’s What Not to Get Your Significant Other for Valentine’s Day

Let me just clarify something: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with reading and loving fluffy vampire lit. Reading anything at all is (usually) ultimately good for you. There is, however, something wrong with impressionable teenagers being marketed a major book and movie franchise idealizing an abusive relationship and said teenagers thinking that’s okay. But there’s already enough on the Internet both intelligently criticizing and tearing down the Twilight series at large, so today, we’re just going to focus on this one really terrible piece of Twilight-inspired merchandise, and with Valentine’s Day around the corner, there’s going to be a lot of awful crap like this for sale.

Wall decals are kind of a hit-and-miss enterprise anyway, but this one is just a particular degree of terrible. I could understand wanting birds or swirly patterns or fleurs-de-lis or whatever, or one of those Fatheads of a sports team you like maybe (but not an actual athlete because who wants Kyle Beckerman on their wall gross) stuck to your walls, but a life-size silhouette of vampire in broody teen body form/girlfriend abuser Edward Cullen that stands in a broody pose over your bed watching you sleep? What? No. Of course not. Why would anyone buy this? Here’s the description, from Etsy seller vinylfruit:

“Let everyone know what team you’re on by giving Edward a home! Or you can keep him to yourself… put him on the back of your bedroom door so he can be intrigued while you sleep! He’ll be keeping an eye out for any roving carnivorous vampires searching for a snack, while reminding you to ‘Be Safe.’”

It’s not exactly clear what’s the creepiest part of this. The silhouette wall decal so it always looks like someone is standing menacingly over your bed and providing fairly high octane nightmare fuel, the fact that it’s supposed to be watching you sleep, the fact that it’s depicting a popular character who perpetuates textbook symptoms of domestic abuse, the ominous and almost threatening “Be safe,” or the fact that this is all supposed to be romantic? Romantics of the world, if your partner is really into Twilight, that’s fine, whatever, and I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but please don’t drop $60 on a gift that says “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby! Here’s your Stockholm Syndrome!” 

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