If That’s Not Tuna, What Is It?

A not altogether shocking study informs us that Americans hardly ever get the tuna they order in restaurants, especially sushi spots. In fact, depending on where you buy groceries or go out to dinner, anywhere from 59% to 84% of the tuna is not tuna. Naturally, one has to ask: what the hell am I even eating? Because the plate still looks pretty full. Below, we break down tuna’s constituent non-tuna elements in full. 



  • Sawdust: 4%
  • Artisanal, organic, sustainably farmed mercury: 17%
  • Sushi chef fingernails: 6%
  • Dolphins that couldn’t do any cool tricks anyway: 3%
  • Ancient tuna curse: 5%  
  • Air pockets: 2%
  • Red stuff: 30%
  • Tuna’s buddy, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time: 13%
  • Thin tissue of lies: 11%
  • Recalled cat food: 9% 
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