The Caffeinated, Alcoholic Beverage Spiking British Crime

It turns out aggressive, caffeinated alcohol products like Mad Dog and Sparks Red have an older, scarier cousin. Her name is Buckfast Tonic Wine, and she’s been laying low in the British Isles for the last century, stirring up knife crime, keeping kids from walking home for dinner in a straight line and generally hanging out. Drinking a bottle of Buckie, according to The Guardian, is like drinking a bottle of wine and three to four cans of Red Bull. No wonder the Buckie bottle has been used as a weapon in 114 recent crimes in Scotland and usually makes it into three crime reports everyday.

If you study Buckie’s heritage, say, on YouTube where British teens enjoy posting videos of themselves “necking” Buckie as fast as they can ( ”>Buckie challenge happens to be Brit slang for quick six) you’ll notice that Buckie tends to hang out next to some train tracks or maybe even in a forest, and she’s especially fond of keeping company with teen boys in soccer jerseys, usually decorated with another alcohol’s logo. But Buckie never gets jealous and, in fact, she loves sharing her friends with benzo, according to The Guardian.

On this mixture, people can have no awareness of what they are doing – feeling “invisible” – no thought for the consequences and no memory the morning after, so they cannot learn from their mistakes. Sometimes the only knowledge the offender or the victim has of an extreme assault against a friend is the [closed-circuit television] footage.

The best part about Buckie, however, has to be that her friends really do love her and they’re not about to let some paternalistic martini-sipping Washington-types take her away from them. Monks have been making Buckie for over a century with the slogan “Three small glasses a day, for good health and lively blood.” What’s wrong with mixing a little caffeine and booze anyway? Actually the write-up in The Guardian is aimed entirely at defending her from allegations that her mere presence leads to violent crime: “People enjoy coffee at the end of a hospitable dinner party too.” If only we could have saved Sparks with the made-by-monks, classy-dinner-party defense.

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