There is something extremely disturbing about food that says, “Eat Me.” Think about it: when cute, animated comestibles inform us, in cheery, cartoon voices, that we should devour them, they’re actually asking us to, well, kill them. What do you think the Pillsbury Doughboy looks like after you’ve put him the oven and used him to mop up some gravy? Not so cute, for one thing. What kind of twisted characters beg for such a fate? These ones, that’s who. The venerable SuicideFood rules this game, but there are always new players. Herewith, a list of the ten creepiest edible spokespeople.
10. Frosted Miniwheat The Frosted Mini Wheat is a Jekyll and Hyde. He’s got his evil sugary side, the one on commercials acting delicious and happy, convincing us to soften him up in milk and slurp him down. But on the other side, being held captive is his Wheaty twin. He doesn’t want to be eaten! He is healthy and sensible, just trying to lead a good, honest, whole grain life. But he doesn’t have the control. The frosting side owns him and it’s the frosting side that gets to make the rules. He’s the one who will take them both down your gullet. Sorry little healthy wheat guy. Don’t look at me like that.
9. Mrs. Butterworth The classic overbearing mother. “Just have a little more syrup on your pancakes, it will make everything all better!” Will it mom, will it really? Will it really be okay if I just have some more sugar with breakfast, even if it’s killing you? Look at you, willing to give up your insides, giving up every part of yourself to make me happy each morning. What about your happiness? Maybe there wouldn’t be so many problems around this house if you saved a little of yourself for yourself. You’d feel better and we could get this family back on track. And what about dad? How do you think it makes Mr. Butterworth feel that you’re just emptying your body for anybody that can twist off your hat? Maybe that’s why he been hanging around that honey bear! Because the bear is full, mom! Did you ever think of that? Did you?!
8. Mayor McCheese Mayor McCheese leads a very dangerous life. He has a cheeseburger for a face/head. Not only must he must live in fear of it being eaten, it’s so out of proportion with the rest of his body, he must constantly worry he’s about to fall over. And, god forbid, his cheeseburger head hits the ground, because you know there are a lot of vermin that would be all over it. Hello Mayor McHalfCheese.
7. Twinkie The Kid Twinkie has been around for a long time. Hundreds of years, probably. And he still looks like a kid. Why? It’s the preservatives. They keep him young and fresh, forever. It’s him and the vampires, but no one takes him seriously. So please, help end Twinkie’s horrific existence as the 200 year-old kid. Bite off his head and suck out his white frosting soul so that he may pass on to a better place.
6. Chips Ahoy Cookies The Chips Ahoy Cookies are a bunch of rich party boys driving around in their dad’s convertible on TV, probably drunk. They live life without consequences, assuming they’re invincible because of their perfect chocolate chunks. Unfortunately, time will catch up with them. It always does. Whether it’s after school, desert time or Christmas Eve, they’ll be drowned in a glass of milk and swallowed up by a hungry snacker. It’s so sad, I almost wish it didn’t have to happen. But it does, right now. Yum.
5. California Raisins I feel the worst about eating the California Raisins, mainly because I don’t understand them. Why do they want to be eaten? But then again, does anyone really ever “understand” brilliant, old blues musicians? It seems to me that they’re in their prime, months away from being inducted into the Motown Hall of Fame, having influenced generations to come. So, why get eaten now? Maybe the music isn’t making the blues go away anymore. Maybe that thing they heard through the grapevine was worse than we thought.
4. M&M’s One sarcastic, one dumb. A couple of sad, bad acting, bumbling fools. These are a couple of guys who I don’t mind taking down, all the way into my stomach. They’re not friends in real life, you can just tell. A couple of actors just phoning in a tired performance. They make me sick, especially if I eat too many.
3. Charlie Tuna I’ll admit, I didn’t get this one at first. This commercial is too old for me. So, I looked up an explanation of Charlie on Wikipedia. Apparently, Charlie is a Tuna with good taste (as proven by his hipster glasses and hat) that doesn’t taste good. That’s right, the point of the ad is that Charlie tastes bad. That’s why he’s disappointed, staring longingly, wishing that hook was piercing him. That’s why everyone is “Sorry, Charlie.” Including him. He’s sorry he’s not dead. Look at how depressed he is, he wants to die. That is where we’re supposed to come in. Charlie wants us to be his personal Dr. Kevorkian. He wants us to chow down, glasses, hat and all. Well, forget it. You don’t taste good, remember? No, instead I will eat all your friends, leaving you even lonelier and more depressed, alone and alive. Sorry, Charlie.
2. Kool-Aid Man Oh, the destructive life of an addict. In this case, a sugar addict. He’s high on sugar all the time. He’s 20% sugar! Crashing through walls, screaming at children. Belushi, Farley and now Kool-Aid Man. The worst part is, nothing will make him change. Not even being grape. No, Dr. Drew can’t even help this man, he is too far gone. This is one case where I truly think the best thing we can do for Kool-Aid Man is to just chug him and put him out of his jittery misery.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy This pervert makes me sick. Always asking us to poke him, thinking it’s SO funny! Oh yeah, look how cute it is when my finger sinks into your stomach. It’s disgusting. He wants us to roll him around, get him hot and watch him rise. No thanks! Your little hat and scarf don’t fool me, I see you for what you are. You’re not a real chef, you’re just a nude, little man running around my kitchen giggling at his own perversity. If someone else wants to indulge this deviant degenerate’s fetishes than by my guest. Personally, I refuse to encourage him. I think he’s crude and absolutely tasteless. Plus, I’m trying to stay away form carbs.