Last night, when President Obama addressed us by way of boob-tube, our hearts fluttered even as our brains turned into large question marks as he rambled on about securing $1.5 billion to unearth the secret antidote to the H1N1 virus and more relevant matters upon which the future of this country hinges. “H1N1” is the least gauche way of referring to this level 5 pandemic. You see, easily offended reader, “swine flu” is like the c-word among mild-mannered Muslims and Israelis across our battered world. Even individuals involved in the pork racket are a mite sensitive to the term, claiming it drives away business. So what alternative media-friendly C U Next Tuesdays have we to choose from?
As it turns out, lots! The World Health Organization is considering the somehow-less-offensive Mexican Flu or the unarguably catchier “2009 H1N1 Flu”. The former should go over as well as Spanish Flu. I remain partial to Kissing Pigs Disease.
But this far more studied list includes Pigluenza, Bacon Lung, Osteoboarosis, and the cute-as-a-button Piggy Pox. Also, consider such gems as Babe’s Revenge (or alternately, Kirstie Alley’s Revenge, and why not?), Pig Plague, and The Carnivore’s Consumption in your palavers about the piggish pestilence.
But please, for the love of rapidly-produced news items intending to capitalize on all hype, traffic, and panic derived from this ailment, do not condemn us to the usage of “H1N1,” Mr. President. It’s an alphanumerical nightmare to commit to keyboard.