Steve Martin Gives Oscar Advice to Eddie Murphy

Steve Martin has hosted the Oscars twice, making him something of an awards show professional – actually, they paid him both times, which makes him a literal professional – and that’s why he’s also in the best position possible to give this year’s host, Eddie Murphy, some advice. On his website, Martin posted an open letter to Murphy, offering his Bowfinger costar some insight and tips for the gig.

We personally think Eddie Murphy will do a bang-up job. Stand-ups have experience moving a narrative along in front of a live audience, as well as a natural facility for improvisation. James Franco and Anne Hathaway could do neither during their hosting gig last year, and the ceremony was widely panned because of it. They probably could’ve used Steve Martin’s advice:

Hi Eddie, I heard you’re hosting this year’s Oscars. First of all, CONGRATS. Even though you didn’t ask for my advice and specifically said, “please, no advice,” here are a few tips! Whatever you do, don’t have a co-host. They’re a big pain and they just end up breaking your SNL hosting record. Start slimming down now. You looked kinda paunchy in NORBIT. People always say it’s a disgrace that neither you nor I have ever won an Oscar, but they’re just being correct. The losers can feel very sad, so when you’re backstage with them, pat their backs, then shake your head sadly. It’s a blast! Fortunately, only you and I can get away with smuggling out an Oscar in our pants. Remember to relax and have a good time while 12,000 livebloggers rip you to shreds The accountants that certify the voting? Same chad counters from Florida. If you feel the show is running long, you’re probably thinking of 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, or any of the shows in the 90’s. If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him. Eddie, since you and I are old friends, and I sincerely thought you deserved an Oscar nomination for BOWFINGER, the movie we did together that stands alone in comedy history, from which we got no credit or acknowledgement except large paychecks and drivers and any type of food we wanted delivered to us every day in our really nice trailers, I wish you all the best on your Oscar hosting gig. Steve Martin

While we aren’t even a one-time Oscar host, we feel there is some other advice that Eddie Murphy could use: • Jokes about how long the ceremony is running do nothing but make said ceremony run even longer. • People love musical numbers because the orchestration drowns out all the self-conscious laughter from the audience. • If you feel you are doing a poor job, swear. The next day everyone will talk about you saying “ball sack” rather than your terrible overall performance. • Current events are great fodder for monologue jokes. Read a newspaper the morning of the ceremony. • There is a fine line between poking fun at a celebrity and cruelly insulting them. Cross that line as often as possible. • Dress nice, this is a formal event.

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