School Pulls Dictionary Because ‘Oral Sex’ Is in There

Parenting is hard. With so many pernicious influences threatening the youth these days, it’s a game of Whack-a-Mole to keep them all at bay. You’ve got Myspace with its sexual predators and seizure-inducing Blingees, Facebook with its non-functional privacy settings, and now that creepy old perv Noah Webster is giving kids sex lessons. That’s right: not even the goddamn dictionary’s safe. Or so parents in one California town would have you believe…

(‘DiggThis’)According to the Press Enterprise, a school district in Riverside County has pulled the Merriam-Webster dictionary from its shelves for including the term “oral sex.” District spokeswoman Betti Cadmus defended the decision, saying, “it’s just not age appropriate.” If middle schoolers weren’t already doing things only tenth-level freaks used to know about to a Ke$ha soundtrack at rainbow parties, she might have a point. In this day and age, a parent should be glad if oral sex is all their kid is doing. At least it can’t get anyone preggers.

Even more adorable than the fact that these people think kids won’t know to do stuff to each other’s sex parts unless the dictionary tells them to: their particular choice of target. Wouldn’t the parents’ of Riverside, California’s righteous ire be better spent on Judy Blume, who’s taught millions of pre-teens the art of masturbation? What about the phallic undertones in Dr. Seuss? With so much electronic bullshit to distract them, we should be happy children deign to read books at all. If some salacious definitions will convince them to do so, that’s ok by me.

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