Robert Pattinson Smokes Cigarette with Mysterious New Girlfriend

There are certain limitations that come with acting in highly successful franchises whose target audience are girls aged 8-14. One includes not being able to come out as a lesbian in a non-hypothetical way. Another includes not engaging in filthy habits like smoking. Which is why a close-up of Robert Pattinson staring smugly at a paparazzi camera with fag between fingers is going to set off a firestorm. A lot like the one that Pattinson would’ve started if he had discarded that cigarette, unstubbed, over the balcony and let it fall into a gasoline puddle.

This is only a problem because Pattinson is the last hope for lazy parents arranging for their children to raise themselves on movies and TV. Said hopes used to include Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. This violation of lazy parental trust in tandem with Pattinson’s entertaining of a mysterious, unnamed girl, which becomes more apparent in this set of photographs, is sure to work R-Patz fans the world over into maddening agitation.

The seeds are all there. Think back to how rumors started blazing about a R-Patz/K-Stew fling. Fans got perhaps a little too protective of Pattinson. Eventually the Twi-hards got over it. Maybe the game-changer was the lesbian thing. Or maybe it’s the fact that she continues to appear in the press as much as he does. And she openly denies romance. Regardless, the fans collectively decided they were a-OK with K-Stew. But, twist!

Enter this shadowy stranger into paparazzi view who may have spurred Pattinson to smoke a (post-coital?) cigarette. Things are going to be said. Some will say that she’s the lost Kardashian sister. Others will say she’s a call girl from Singapore. And then the fans will stampede until they dig their tenterhooks far into Pattinson, making him promise to never smoke or see that malicious stranger again. The earth may rumble for eons.

When this happens, the rest of us would do well to retreat to the nearest bunker and sublimate our anxieties with grain alcohol. Until the hordes die down, if ever.

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