Open Letter to the Jolie-Pitts, Re: Mickey D’s

Dear Brange,

How are you? Ange, I didn’t find Changeling nearly as god-awful as everyone said it was. And Brad, yes, I fell asleep during The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but I blame the Christmas Day margaritas — Rosa Mexicano wishes you a Feliz Navidad! — more than your acting. Also, the upcoming Inglorious Basterds looks promising: you play a hillbilly Jew descended from the mountains of East Tennessee, with a neck scar from a close-call lynching. Ha. Now for the tough love.

Listen, y’all are rich, and you know what rich means? Rich means you never ever have to eat another Filet-O-Fish again. So what’s this I hear about you taking the Benetton brood through the McDonald’s drive-thru, again? Twice in one week — come on now, America’s already fat. I know you have no love for our domestic adoptables, but the least you could do is follow Megan Fox’s example and take your faux-hawked Cambodian to Whole Foods. I always thought it was M.F. who was the poor man’s A.J., but maybe it’s the other way around.

Perhaps you would say that you just prefer the taste of Mickey D’s limp fries. Bitches, please. Have your personal chef whip up these healthy, evoo-roasted potato sticks for the kiddies instead, then wrangle a few play dates because these young’uns need all the outside friends they can get. And I’m not talking Suri Cruise.

Oven-Roasted French Fries 1. Preheat oven to 400˚. Peel and wash 5 large roasting potatoes. 2. Slice potatoes into desired fry shape and thickness. Don’t mix-n-match; maintain a uniform size for even cooking. 3. Place sliced potatoes in bowl and cover with salted water. Let soak for 30 minutes. Like a pack-a-day habit, this will promote future crispiness. 4. Dry slices, thoroughly, on paper towels. 5. Lay slices on parchment-lined baking sheet, brush with 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, and season with salt and pepper. 6. Bake for 45 minutes, turning periodically for an even tan. 7. Serve with dipping sauce of choice. Surely a child with a moniker like Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has a palette sophisticated enough to appreciate fancy German mustard.


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