Old-School Genetic Engineering Spawns Soccer’s Second Coming

imageGenetic engineering is both exciting and disturbing — for every giant, extra-delicious peach the boys in the lab create, you also have some freakish half-poodle half-cat creature manufactured by a shady outfit in North Korea. The end game, of course, is to take the best qualities of two living beings and combine them into one ideal superior being. And sometimes, it doesn’t even take a test tube to make the magic happen — just some good old fashioned fucking by the perfect combination of two genetically blessed partners.

So it was with eager anticipation that yesterday, in Madrid, was born the spawn of 20-year-old Atletico Madrid superstar Sergio Aguero and soccer deity Diego Maradona (the Michael Jordan of futbol vs Pele’s old-timey Bill Russell, if you need an analogy). Technically, the child is the son of Aguero and Maradona’s daughter, Gianina, but there’s enough genetic starpower in tiny Benjamin Aguero to have the soccer world salivating at the prospect of a second coming. To put this in perspective for football ignorant heathens, it’s as if Michael Phelps got extra blazed and made love to a seal. Anyhow, if all goes well, Mini Maradona should be ripe and ready to eat by World Cup 2030.

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