New York Islanders Will Move To Brooklyn

The New York Islanders, which I understand to be some sort of hockey team, are announcing today their plan to abandon the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum on Long Island to the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn, because they hate our troops and love British banks. No, just kidding, I’m sure they have a good reason. Everyone wants to make it out of the suburbs, right?

The Islanders would be joining the Barclays Center’s only current franchise—the Brooklyn (formerly New Jersey) Nets—to create some manner of all-powerful hipster sports conglomerate. But I don’t think the stadium’s owner, Bruce Ratner, should stop there. He needs to keep poaching teams! For example, you never hear about the Pittsburgh Pirates anymore; bring them to Barclays and rename them the Brooklyn Buccaneers. And are the New York Giants still playing in the Meadowlands? They should play in Barclays as the Brooklyn Big Guys!

May as well move all of New York’s big concerts and speeches to Barclays as well. The easiest solution would be to airlift Madison Square Garden over the East River and drop it on top of Barclays as a second floor. Then put Gracie Mansion on top of that and make Mayor Bloomberg live there. Then, for skyline purposes, cap the whole structure off with the Statue of Liberty (to be renamed the Statue of Flatbush Avenue). Oh, and put a Shake Shack or Five Guys in her crown. I don’t want to have to go back to Manhattan for a quality burger.  
 

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